Welcome to the Couch! People of PC Psychotherapy (Part 2)

stopdog i know somewhat the confusion and frustration you feel. that wanting to be connected and then not wanting to be because it is way to terrifying and i have no idea how to do feeling attached.it scares me and i don't want to do it .the expectations are way to much to handle.

For me, I've been burned in the past by connecting to other older women and draining the life out of the friendships by casting them in a motherly role. So when I found this T two years ago (female and 15 years older than me) I went into to her office for the first time, sat down and insisted that I got hurt too many times in the past and that I was not looking for another mother figure to hurt me. That I wanted to learn how to stop getting myself into those situations. For the whole first year of my therapy all my energy went towards not getting attached to T and me making sure I didn't cast her in that mother role. Keeping my distance, not reaching out between sessions and making sure I down played my childhood issues so that I wouldn't end up really "needing" her. Also, insisting that shes wrong when she would tell me something and I would get mad at her but yet go back. Finally one day something just switched for me after a year and a half and I knew that she wasn't going to hurt me if I let my defenses down because I knew that she would hold the boundary because it was in the context of the "therapeutic relationship".

Now that I can't see her, I am actually grieving. Bad. But I know she won't hurt me further by feeding what I need from her and as much as it hurts, I know it's probably what is best.

I wrote my feedback for StopDog and yet afterwards I uncontrollably sobbed for an hour. I am so selfish.

Dog: T1 - repetition compulsion. Bad, but could be good IF T1 knew a better way to manage it, or if YOU could see what was going on and realize it is in your best interest to stop repeating.
T2 - there might not be ENOUGH passion there to elicit change in you?
But hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. T1 IS your bad r/s with your "abuser(s)" - you wouldn't be susceptible otherwise. This is so exactly The Forbidden Planet. T1 is the monster you created in your mind - you can't defeat her.

And yes, I KNOW you don't get shots from a regular dr - but T1 making a joke at your expense could be seen like a dr giving a patient a shot - it may hurt, but the purpose in the long run is to help the patient get well. You turning it into an actionable offense (just about!) only serves - FEEDS - the repetition compulsion.

it seems like the t1/t2 team is a good device for you to separate the strawberry swirl(t1) from the cheesecake(t2)! I mean, you have a good job, friends, r/s - so you weren't acting out with someone or something ELSE, it was, as they say in playwrighting parlance, man vs himself, or the world.

Stopdog, I know this isn't what you want, but you are attached to T1. It feels awful because you're fighting it so much.

If you have a history of CSA, then it's very common to not want attachment. It's also very common to minimize it and think your childhood wasn't so bad. I did that, too - I always thought I had a pretty normal childhood and adolescence. Doesn't everyone experience CSA by a family friend at 13? T made me understand that it isn't the norm and that just because there were kids that had it worse than I did doesn't mean that my CSA didn't have profound, lifelong effects.

Thanks for the dialogue guys. It does help.
I hope everyone has a decent Sunday.

I hope it gets better soon. It does feel awful.

She would approve with a catch or disapprove. OR maybe not even approve is the right word - she just thought I was odd. I was hers, and she had to take care of me, but if only I had not been so strange it would have been easier for her.

I will have to think about this. The only thing that has ever made my experience seem even like I could call it csa instead of just cs is the Susan Clancy book. I am still not sure the "a" fits my experience.

No you are not. It is useful to read about others even when it is not the same. My struggles are not those you describe for you, but I appreciate that you told us about it. It is all hard.

What is CSA?

Thank you, and thank you again. Now I feel as though I understand exactly where you are coming from. I will admit, I am a devotee of the current models myself.

As a scientist I do think however, other models should see the light of day and certainly be discussed. Parts of which may even need to be incorporated into our understanding of things now. I understand much much better what you are up against in therapy now.

Are either of your therapists familiar with Susan Clancy's research?

My guess would be that they would dismiss it.

Is THAT what you're hanging your "a"sshat on? That because you weren't traumatically forced, it wasn't traumatizing? Bunk! Talk about grasping at straws. The act was bad - you could not give consent because you were underage. It was a betrayal of trust. Why is that not trauma enough? No, you do NOT get a verdict of reasonable doubt here!

csa - childhood sexual abuse. stopdog is saying, gee, it was jUst a kid having sex, it wasn't abuse. seriously??? what are you, swedish?

If we truly want to honor a person's experience we hear what they say. We don't tell them how to feel.

reductio ad ridiculum is just that.

Er. Er? What? (Yes, I understand it's a joke and I'm not offended in any way, just extremely puzzled.)

um, sorry. a) a running joke of mine on PC, "what are you, ____?" and b) swedish because in the 60's, we (in the US) were told (or was it just my SIL telling me?) how great and sexually liberated sweden was, 14 yr olds "explore" their sexuality, they're not hung up like us americans. This SIL was always pretty drugged up, and also abusive towards me. sorry, the dog just kinda triggered me. let me try again to be supportive.

okay. saying nothing. sorry.

The Clancy book was the first time I realized others had my type of experience and that the potential for trauma did not have to take the model the therapists kept insisting on. I always felt I couldn't even do csa correctly because of the fact that what the therapists kept insisting on in no way matched my situation. I was preschool to young elementary school. I was very relieved to find another model.

Sorry I did not mean to take the couch in a bad direction. And I will now try to get back on couch point.

There is a lot a yardwork going on in my neighborhood. At some point I am going to have to make myself go mow my grass. Instead I lie here wondering if sheep, just a small flock, would be more managable.

Anyone baking anything?

Stopdog, I am glad you reached out. PC is a place for feedback and support. I think everyone here is so brave for being open.

Baking? I'm not even sure I know how to turn my oven on. Probably the button that says "Oven On"

imade home made pizza today does that mean something

Homemade pizza is good.

I think a goat would be better. Ranchers don't like sheep for some reason, I saw it on The Big Valley. I am still trying to figure out how tiny Barbra Stanwyck had all those gigantic big-headed 8-ft tall kids like Linda Evans and the 6-Million Dollar Man, plus 2 more big boys. And who the heck cleaned that house!

I'm wondering if my mood swings are going to stop. I had a good night last night, went to sleep about 3:30am. Slept until almost 2pm today. Now I'm so depressed I don't want to move off the couch. I told H what needed to be done today and he responded by falling asleep.

Goats don't graze, they are browsers- they eat twigs and branches. That means they're good for keeping your trees and bushes trimmed, but not your grass short. They have more personality than sheep, though.

AND they smell better than sheep. I cannot stand the way sheep smell. They're cute and sweet, but . . .

I have herding breed dogs and used to take them sheepherding. Sheep are some of the dumbest animals ever. Goats are smart and have personalities but do not flock together (at least not the breeds around here) and are terrible at being herded.

Heather-I hope you start to feel more level soon. Mood swings are difficult to deal with.

I have a question completely off topic. See, I'm a private nanny for a family so my job does not involve being around adults. My relationship with the kids parents is just Hi/bye, how were the kids today, etc. we go to playgrounds and to the library but they are not really places to make a connection with other people. So, I'm just wondering how someone in my position with such an isolating career can make friends? I don't really have any friends that I can hang out with as everyone is always busy with their own lives. So, any ideas how and where I can make friends? I am so lonely.

I don't see how crying is evidence that you are selfish.

SUGGESTION

Instead of thinking "I am so selfish", think, "I am taking care of myself."

Thanks Can'tExplain.