why...

...is it so hard to let someone into your heart. right now, specifically, my therapist ... 'cause she's 'safe'.

but it hurts ... physically.... emotionally... hurts. i can barely tolerate it.... will i ever be able to break down this wall.

and then the question comes to mind ... do i really know how to love? you can't be this closed off and really love ... can you?

i won't see my therapist until next week and i really don't want to be alone with this pain. anyone wanna sit with me? keep me company so i'm not so alone?

It IS hard. But you're not alone.

sitting with you

Never alone....have a seat next to me

we will sit with you ♥♥♥♥♥

It is hard. There is some kind of risk there to discover.
There is that push pull between wanting to let someone in, and wanting to protect oneself. Fear of being engulfed, fear of being rejected, fear of being hurt. All that can be there.
It's complex and scary. You are brave and courageous to be thinking about it and wanting to open yourself to it.

Wish I had an easy answer fOr this dilemma. I too feel like that.

Sitting here with you. Experienciing and not understanding the pain, too.

pulling up a chair.

trust is such a hard thing.you are definately not alone

I'm here too. No, not alone.

You're not alone. I'm sitting with you too. I'm sorry it's hard for you.

I understand that pain. I'm here too.

I get this struggle of wanting to open up but at the same time some type of self-preservation mechanism keeps kicking in for me.

For me I was told and had multiple experience to confirm that if you open up to someone sooner or later they will use this information against you. And while I know this is not the case with T, its a hard mindset to change. It's like a survival mechanism that is activated automatically. And to open up requires a conscious effort to go against this. Just the though of being open and knocking down the walls causes a physical reaction of making my stomach flip.

I guess maybe with time and small steps that it will happen? In the meantime I will join in on the sitting since I dont have any better insight how to get there.

Here I am too. You are not alone.

thank you thank you thank you all!



i so appreciate the hugs, words of support, and the company. it's harder in the evenings when I'm less distracted.

thank you for saying i'm brave, ECHOES. that's hard to see from where i am. i very much appreciate that.

it is so hard to allow myself to care for someone, especially someone who doesn't feel the same way. so much inside me screams for me to run away. but if i run away, i might as well just crawl into a hole and fade from the world. my therapist makes me feel safe enough to do this.

......... ......... .........

Know what I think about this part of the process? I think the pain is so acute because the fear is so intense. We put ourselves 'out there' - wholly vulnerable. We close our eyes tight, grit our teeth, and stick our toe in the waters of trust. It gets to a certain point, though, where we feel our whole insides are at risk.. it becomes a 'life or death' feeling once we realize that we're going to have to take an enormous leap of faith and jump in.

It is sooo painful to feel that fear.. fear that this will be yet another experience like all those we've had before.. but that this time it will obliterate us.

Here's what I can tell you, though. If you'll just stay in it.. you will come out on the other side.. and when you do, if you don't already, you WILL know how to love. Know how you'll know? Through your therapeutic relationship you will experience a therapeutic kind of 'love' that after lots of ruptures in the relationship, you will have experienced enough 'love' that you will know what it is, and how to do it.

That's what I think

i like how you think, Crescent Moon.

your post made me cry ... but in a good way. you absolutely right about the fear. it's taken me 3 months to finally recognize it as that.

thank you for your post. it offers hope.