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  #1  
Old May 08, 2012, 10:54 AM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Obviously, T's are only able to provide so much to clients, whether it's because of ethical guidelines, personal comfort level, need to attend to multiple people, or their own blind spots (insert any other reason you can think of here). I get that on an intellectual level. But emotionally, it feels like it's just wearing me down.

People talk about grieving what can never be - my T can't be my mother, and she can't take care of me, and my "real" mother isn't going to change who she is. That's all well and good, but how do I get past this incessant wanting for more?

My mom always used to tell me that I was too much when I was a kid. I've carried around that idea forever. I know I keep enacting the same dynamic with my T. I feel like I'm too much for her. Recently, I feel like that's actually true. Several weeks ago she told me that she will no longer talk with me about her own reactions/feelings in the therapy context. I ask for a lot of reassurance, and I think she became tired of providing it. She also decided she will only access email during her work hours, which are limited (4 mornings a week).

In the former case, she told me that she needed to consider my needs above her own, and that's why she wouldn't share these things with me (when I ask; she never spontaneously shares them). In the latter case, I get that perhaps she needs to limit her work time. All the same, I feel like she's pulling away from me, and that that is more about and for her than it is for me.

I don't know how to cope with all of this anymore. I feel like spending money to talk to my T about my issues with her, especially when it feels like there is never any resolution, is just a waste. I've brought up my ambivalence about therapy multiple times, and 4 out of 5 times, she ignores it. She refuses to give me her own input on the topic, supposedly because she thinks I need to make up my own mind. She's right, of course, that the decision is ultimately mine, but it feels as if she's just leaving me hanging.

Anybody have any brilliant words of wisdom? I feel like I've turned all of this over in my head so many times that I can no longer make any good sense out of it. I have a session tomorrow, and right now I'm leaning toward telling her I don't want to come back.
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  #2  
Old May 08, 2012, 12:11 PM
anonymous8713
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Once, I asked my t why I should continue to go to therapy. I wasn't mad at her- she had not done anything hurtful to me or set any confusing boundaries. I just am not an expert in therapy and I wasn't sure what kind of benefit I could continue to get from it. I told her I didn't want her to tell me what to do, I just wanted her professional opinion about whether it would be worthwhile for me considering where I had started and where I seemed to be going.

My t was very helpful and articulate about the benefits of therapy (in general and for me in particular), without giving the impression of trying to influence me.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have been through some tough times with your t. I kind of feel like there might be a better t out there for you. If there is one thing I've learned from PC, it is that there is an infinite number of t's out there and they practice an infinite number of styles. Just because you don't click with your current t doesn't mean you can't find someone who will give you what you need/want.
Thanks for this!
likelife
  #3  
Old May 08, 2012, 12:21 PM
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WikidPissah WikidPissah is offline
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You've been really frustrated with your T for a while, I can see why you have the urge to quit so often. Maybe taking a little break would be good for you...even meeting with a few other T's to see if there would be a better style for you. You need a lot of validation...that isn't WRONG...it just is. It sounds like you feel like it's bad for you to need T, and that just isn't so.
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Thanks for this!
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  #4  
Old May 08, 2012, 12:37 PM
anonymous112713
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Your relationship with your T sounds very familiar... me and my xT had a similar deal occur. I was needy, she pulled back. I wanted a mom and she wasnt going to do it. It was for my own good, even though I Hated it. Ultimatly it lead me to leave and I found a male T who is a much better fit for me. I was upfront with him about the mommy thing, emails, outside of T contact etc... and he signed up for the challenge. Perhaps you could just take a break and look around, with needs in hand, to see if there is a better fit for you out there. Providing this is an issue that has no resolution with the current T.
Thanks for this!
likelife
  #5  
Old May 08, 2012, 01:14 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by likelife View Post
She's right, of course, that the decision is ultimately mine, but it feels as if she's just leaving me hanging.
That's the crux, you have what you know to be true and what feels good or bad. Feelings just tell us how we're feeling, not what would be a good idea to do; that's what your head is for!

If wishes were trees, the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Reason is calling
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around

"Stand" ~R.E.M.
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Thanks for this!
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  #6  
Old May 08, 2012, 03:35 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Thank you, everyone, for your responses. Thanks lucydog and Wikid for acknowledging that I've been struggling with my T for awhile. I was surprised and touched by your comments. It's kind of my default mode to assume that I blend into the background.

I just sent my T an email explaining what I've been feeling and telling her that after our session tomorrow I think I need to be done. I did it through email because I know that if I didn't, I'd just end up crying and not saying anything when I go to see her tomorrow. I asked her if she feels she can still help me and if she sees any possible resolution to the difficulties in our relationship that I discussed.

I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because my guess is that she will respond (probably in session) that the decision to stay or go is up to me. Acknowledging that I want her to tell me how it would personally influence her (or not) if I left makes me feel really embarrassed.
  #7  
Old May 08, 2012, 03:39 PM
Anonymous37917
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I don't think this is something you need to feel embarrassed about likelife. I pushed my T to tell me how he would feel if I switched to another therapist. He had told me at one point that therapists don't think twice when a client changes to a different therapist (commenting on how I don't need to feel guilty for seeing him instead of my former therapist). Two sessions later, I ended up pushing him on that point because it bugged the crud out of me to think that he would not think twice if I just changed to someone else. I NEEDED to know that he cared enough about me that it would bother him. He finally agreed that it would bother him, but didn't want me to feel guilty still, if I ever switched.

You want to know that she CARES about you and that it MATTERS to her if you go or stay. I think that's normal.
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  #8  
Old May 08, 2012, 08:50 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Thanks, MKAC. You're absolutely right that I want to know that my T cares and that I matter. It hurts to feel like the same dynamic that has played out my entire life with my family is being repeated with my T. I feel like a number to her.

I'm glad your T told you he'd be bothered if you left, but that he wouldn't want you to feel guilty about it. That feels like just the right balance between demonstrating care and letting you do what you need to do.
  #9  
Old May 08, 2012, 08:52 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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I've pretty well numbed myself out this evening. I fell asleep midday - the kind of sleep where it feels like you can't keep your eyes open even if you tried - shortly after I emailed my T. I know that's my way of shutting down and protecting myself. As much as I gripe about my frustrations with my T, I'm terrified to walk away from her. Even when I know that it's probably in my best interest.
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  #10  
Old May 08, 2012, 09:17 PM
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it sounds really painful to me; especially the thought that you are too much for her which is going on in your mind

I keep reading about therapy in the context of it giving us new healthier experiences; that in therapy transference can be useful because we get a corrective experience but they don't seem to mention much the idea that it's only corrective if we continue to pay for this correction and that by the very nature of having to pay for it, it can seem less corrective; or how limited a T might be in the area of giving that healthier experience

when you aren't finding it; the way you aren't, and yet there are still those feelings going on; it gets confusing. I wish I had wisdom to give you; I've been through similar thoughts to the ones you've described and don't know the answers
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Thanks for this!
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  #11  
Old May 08, 2012, 09:23 PM
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Ahhh lifelike! Your hurt came out so very clearly in your post and then the just being so tired and beat down that you sleep, sleep, sleep. I wish I had something to cheer you up or something really intellegent to say. I don't but I do understand and I am very glad that you could articulate that on pc. I appreciated you putting words out to describe the pain and reality of therapy wants, needs, and limitations. Hugs sweetie!
Thanks for this!
likelife
  #12  
Old May 08, 2012, 09:41 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Thank you TG and Kacey. Just knowing that I'm heard and supported means so very much to me.
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  #13  
Old May 09, 2012, 08:39 AM
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likelife likelife is offline
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T still hasn't gotten back to me
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  #14  
Old May 09, 2012, 08:40 AM
anonymous112713
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Quote:
Originally Posted by likelife View Post
T still hasn't gotten back to me

is T usually good about returning Emails?
  #15  
Old May 09, 2012, 09:21 AM
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likelife likelife is offline
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She's really inconsistent.
  #16  
Old May 09, 2012, 10:31 AM
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Dreamy01 Dreamy01 is offline
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Blimey I could have written most of your posts. I have very similar feelings about my T; feeling too much for her, the struggle over email, wanting to know I matter and that she cares, etc.

It sounds like this email you've sent is the make or break in your relationship. I do hope your T responds, either by email or in person during your session, and you can have a proper dialogue about it which reassures you that she does care and you do matter. She may say that it's your decision whether you leave or not but it's important, for you anyway, that she also puts accross that you matter to her and she wants you to do what is best for you because she cares.

If she isn't able to do this, it sounds like a warmer and more responsive t may suit you better. As someone else said, ts differ in style and what they will offer. Trust your intuition on this. I've had a rupture with my t recently which has led me to feeling she lacks warmth and is unresponsive, especially over this email business. I worry that she doesn't care. But I'm in a place now where I need to try and work through feelings rather than get too much from her, if that makes sense. Part of me wonders whether in staying with T I will get a sense that she does care but in her own way that wants to ensure I let go of the past and move on, something I've been unable to do with past ts due to what I got from them. She has told me she cares but I need more proof.

Just a thought. My situation is obviously unique. It depends on the attachment with yuor t as well. If there is nothing left for you in this relationship it's obviously better to move on.

I hope you hear back from t.
Thanks for this!
likelife
  #17  
Old May 09, 2012, 11:23 AM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Thanks, Dreamy. I agree, I could probably have written a lot of your posts too. I'm due to see my T in less than an hour and I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach and shaky.

She did email me back, 30 minutes ago, telling me that she respects my decision, and that she let my pdoc know that I am choosing to quit therapy. I'm kind of annoyed by that, but I understand she has a professional obligation. I just don't have any idea what I'm going to say
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  #18  
Old May 09, 2012, 11:43 AM
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Let us know how it went if you feel able.
  #19  
Old May 09, 2012, 02:21 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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I'm done with my session. I feel like I've been trying to waterski, but without the skis, just hanging on to the tow rope and getting smashed by the waves. (I don't actually waterski, so I have no idea where that came from.)

T reiterated that she respected my decision, that she would be sad to see me go, but that if therapy is hurting more than its helping, then it makes sense to do something different.

I was in tears pretty much from the moment I sat down until the end when she tried to confirm that I didn't want to come back and all I could do was shake my head. Words would literally not come out of my mouth.

T and I got into a big thing years ago when I told her that I loved her and wished that she would tell me the same. She did tell me, once, but when I kept asking, she told me that she had already answered that question and wasn't going to answer it again. Today, I told T that I still experience a lot of distress about that. I kick myself for "knowing better," that wanting my T to express love is futile. And yet I can't stop myself from wanting it. She drew her line in the sand a long time ago. I just can't get past it.

She tried to get me to tell her how she had hurt me, and I just couldn't say the words. Couldn't even really form the words.

It feels like ripping a limb off to leave T. And I also know that it's hurt like hell to see her recently. I told her that I felt too humiliated to see anyone else - that's not really what I'm looking for anyway. She reminded me that she told my pdoc that I intended to quit, but was also having suicidal thoughts (which I had told her about in an email). Because I couldn't talk at the end, she told me she'd keep my appt for next week on the calendar and ask my pdoc to give me some names of other T's.

Finding another T to deal with ending with my T just feels ludicrous, though. I'm not really up for the idea of opening myself up again. I've seen my T for five years. I never imagined it would end like this.

I have no idea what to do.
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  #20  
Old May 09, 2012, 02:27 PM
stopdog stopdog is offline
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This is so hard. I wish it was easier. Is there a reason your therapist and pdoc are connected? Does that help you?
  #21  
Old May 09, 2012, 02:47 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Thanks, stopdog. Last year I went through an intensely difficult time - depression, bordering on attempting suicide - and my T asked if she could have permission to consult with my pdoc. I didn't particularly like it, but knew there was probably some value in having them coordinate.

I hardly ever see my pdoc now, and it surprised me that my T would automatically contact her. She has to cover herself, I suppose.
  #22  
Old May 09, 2012, 02:55 PM
Anonymous32491
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I'm done with my session. I feel like I've been trying to waterski, but without the skis, just hanging on to the tow rope and getting smashed by the waves. (I don't actually waterski, so I have no idea where that came from.)

T reiterated that she respected my decision, that she would be sad to see me go, but that if therapy is hurting more than its helping, then it makes sense to do something different.

I was in tears pretty much from the moment I sat down until the end when she tried to confirm that I didn't want to come back and all I could do was shake my head. Words would literally not come out of my mouth.

T and I got into a big thing years ago when I told her that I loved her and wished that she would tell me the same. She did tell me, once, but when I kept asking, she told me that she had already answered that question and wasn't going to answer it again. Today, I told T that I still experience a lot of distress about that. I kick myself for "knowing better," that wanting my T to express love is futile. And yet I can't stop myself from wanting it. She drew her line in the sand a long time ago. I just can't get past it.

She tried to get me to tell her how she had hurt me, and I just couldn't say the words. Couldn't even really form the words.

It feels like ripping a limb off to leave T. And I also know that it's hurt like hell to see her recently. I told her that I felt too humiliated to see anyone else - that's not really what I'm looking for anyway. She reminded me that she told my pdoc that I intended to quit, but was also having suicidal thoughts (which I had told her about in an email). Because I couldn't talk at the end, she told me she'd keep my appt for next week on the calendar and ask my pdoc to give me some names of other T's.

Finding another T to deal with ending with my T just feels ludicrous, though. I'm not really up for the idea of opening myself up again. I've seen my T for five years. I never imagined it would end like this.

I have no idea what to do.
Wow, my heart breaks for you. It does seem like after 5 years everything ended abruptly. It's very good that she's keeping you on the books for next week should you change your mind--even if it's just going for one more session. I bristle whenever my T has reminded me (perhaps 3 times) that I can leave therapy anytime. I know that it's part of their ethical obligation not to stop a client from leaving therapy if he/she expresses this desire. It can seem unfeeling, but please know that she's obligated to follow this.

I get the "I love you" thing - I've struggled with this, too... There are no easy answers, but know that wanting your T to express to you is perfectly fine and normal. You love her and perhaps you tell her this, so it's natural to want to hear these words back. Also, I've said to myself "I know that T loves me so why won't she say it? Are we supposed to express our feelings?" But, it's a boundary for some/most Ts and as hard as it is to accept this, it doesn't mean that a T doesn't love her/his clients.

Take good care. Sending you lots of hugs. You will get through this.
  #23  
Old May 09, 2012, 05:34 PM
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likelife likelife is offline
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Thank you, eastcoaster. You're absolutely right that T's are ethically obligated to respect the client's wishes. Maybe I just wanted her to "fight" for me, you know?

I wish I could believe that wanting my T to express love to me is normal. I "get it" on the one hand, but on the other, it hurts so much to crash up against that boundary. I don't know why I keep putting myself in the position to do that, because I know what's going to happen, but it's as if I can't stop myself.

The truth is that I really, really didn't want to quit. But I also felt like I didn't know how to go forward. And now my pride is telling me that I can't go back, because I said I wouldn't. Stupid pride.
  #24  
Old May 09, 2012, 05:45 PM
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Okay, as one who quits all the time and goes back - it does give you the power. You get to choose what to do. About 12 years ago I really just quit and walked out after three months. That one told me I could not just quit and it was not a good idea and that I really was making a huge mistake -it was horrible even though it did not change my mind and I still left. Being talked into staying by the therapist takes the power from you - not a good plan in my opinion. The choice being yours is good. You can choose to go back and the therapist should not (and probably would not) make you ashamed for changing your mind. The therapist might even say they are glad you chose to come back.
  #25  
Old May 10, 2012, 04:46 AM
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I'm sorry this is so painful for you. I do agree with Stopdog that you having the power over whether you stay or go is healthy and positive even though it doesn't seem so now.

It sounds like your T is being as warm as she feels she can be within her boundaries. A lot of ts won't express I love you, sadly. Love is a very emotive word and has all sorts of implications for both T and client so many Ts just won't even go down that road. It doesn't mean she doesn't care or that you don't matter. From what you've said it sounds like she does and would like to continue seeing you but she cannot force you to stay, that wouldn't be ethical or beneficial.

It would be a shame to leave now unless you really feel in your heart you can't work with her. It might be more helpful in the long run to stay and sit this out. It hurts when you have an issue like this but you can perhaps work through it. I'm trying to do something similar with my T and slowly but surely the sense of connection is being rebuilt, albeit in a new way. Maybe you will find that T's boundaries empower rather than disempower you in the long term. It is hard to see the bigger picture when you're in the thick of it.

Best of luck with what you decide.
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