[TortieKitty]

*shrugs* Thought I'd post a thread. What the hey.

I finally saw a therapist, heh. I say "finally" because when I was in high school, I really thought I'd spend my whole adult life on a shrink's couch, the way things had been going, but it didn't work out that way. I've always been slow to get things done, so this followed suit.

I saw her for the first time this week. I think it went really well. I was worried I wouldn't be able to talk to her because I'm not usually good at talking to people I don't know, but I really kicked butt, I think. She said I seemed nervous and that if I weren't, that'd be abnormal. But she may find soon that I'm kind of always like that when talking to someone, especially seated across from them and being on the spot.

There was only one main aspect of myself I didn't address and don't plan to, and I'm not sure whether or not to feel guilty about that. To me, it's not really a problem exactly, but it's the sort of thing that would raise a red flag visible for miles, and I worry that she'd just run with that and forget everything else in her quest.

One of the most interesting aspects of it was that we were on exactly the same wavelength, diagnosis-wise--there's nothing glaringly wrong, and my life history isn't very revealing. I'm just kind of a muddle for no reason. That's what's always bothered me--why have I been a mess and why am I not kicking butt in life when I can't really point to anything obvious? Unlike some people, I'd almost prefer a label, or rather, an explanation. It would be nice if there were just a word for me that explained it all. But I guess it's just a mix of little things.

What's completely bizarre to me is that I've been doing better. The older I get, the more on the ball I am and the better I am at talking to people and the like. So now I go into therapy. Maybe I had to reach a point in my life where I was more mature, more sensible, etc., to make the decision, but most of the ugly stuff is behind me. On top of that, I've felt better in the past week or so than I had been. I wonder if it doesn't actually relate to finally going to therapy, actually, like just deciding to go and having one appointment is a treatment in itself. (Of course, she thinks it might be hormones and wants me to track my moods. Then there's my caffeine addiction. At this point, it's almost more of a doctor's appointment than a therapy session. )

I almost feel weirder about going a second time than going the first time. My whole life story has been scribbled down on a yellow pad--now what? Still, I like her. We even talked about American Idol for a bit. So it's not all serious and clinical. But without a glaring and serious issue, I'm not sure where to go. Of course, I don't know that everything was addressed fully, either.

So anyway, I joined here recently because I apparently have to join a message board for everything in my life.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome TortieKitty. It sounds like you have found a t that you are very compatible with. I hope your relationship continues to grow with her.

[JustBen]

Welcome to PC, and good for you for getting into therapy. It sounds like you and your therapist are a good match. As far as "where to go from here" is concerned, hopefully your therapist will help you figure out some goals.

I'm so glad you have found a good relationship with your therapist. Welcome to the forum also. I totally understand what you mean about wanting to have a diagnosis.

[(JD)]

Hi tortie kitty, welcome! Guess you really aren't new to the routine, but new to real therapy! A good therapist can help you become a wonderfully content person...a better person than you have ever been. Mine already has helped me do that (there's more to do though )

You sound like you're in a position to really review your life, and make the changes that will give you even more out of life. TC

[TortieKitty]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

I never thought I'd be in a position to seek help to improve a not-so-bad situation, not when I figured I was way messed up for years. You know, even if I was in perfect mental health, I'd still say I had issues just because it's the only thing I know how to say. Besides, everyone says I'm crazy, anyway (bless 'em).

In a sense, we don't have that much juicy stuff to go on in sessions. She asked if I'd told my parents I was seeing her--if I had, I could ask them what the psych had said about me as a kid. It's sort of the only interesting spot. But I haven't told them and don't plan to.

Our last session was on what classes I could take and thus seemed like rather a waste of money, ahem. But she's talking about meds now, and I'm thinking it's just because it'll give us something to talk about.

But whatever comes of this, good or bad, I'll still go. And keeping a mood diary is sort of interesting.

[(JD)]

Hmm. If you know the name of the T you saw as a child, and he/she is still around, he might have basic dx info on file still. (It's a bummer that after 10 years your history is usually "gone" from files.)

I don't think a T would talk about meds just to pass time. T time doesn't have to be "juicy" stuff... even issues about why others think you're "crazy" can be discussed. Obviously it affects you, T time can help you come to grips with being "different?"

I hope you don't have many sessions where you feel it's a waste of money. There's something going on, or you wouldn't feel the need to go ... I hope you are able to open up sooner than later. It's a trust issue. You need to discuss little things to be sure the T can "handle" your real feelings. TC

[TortieKitty]

Well, I don't think I'm holding back except on one thing, which doesn't relate to this other stuff. And I'm keeping that to myself simply because she'd probably have the wrong idea about it. I mean, it doesn't qualify as a problem to me, but I doubt she'd buy that.

I told her what I remembered from that psych visit record, at least--I found it 5 years ago. I am such a fool not to keep it, though. I didn't see a need to as it was just in a dresser in a room down the hall, so it's not like it was going anywhere. Except, heh, it did. I moved out, and they moved to a new house, and I guess all that stuff's gone. Anyway, it didn't have her notes, just a couple sentences or something. I don't know.