[ColourBars]

I have stopped seeing my T since last month. I have seen them for over a year before ending the sessions.

I'm thinking I'm feeling pretty stable and on top of things but **** I still get waves of these really intense feelings of just self-hatred, anger and then getting pretty depressed.


I know where they come from. Whenever I see one of my peers in the program I'm in, produce something really great and spectacular, or show off equipment they have that's really cool - I just get all angry at myself and bummed out.

I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. That even if I practice, save up to buy equipment and review a whole bunch of tutorials and stuff, I'll never be good enough compared to everyone else.

And because, what I'm going to in my program, is the field I'm going to for my life/job/career/goal -- and the fact that I suck at it, makes me feel worthless. Stupid. Very retarded that I even bothered coming into the program in the first place.

And knowing that I came into the field because it was the strongest thing I could do, and it's my personal strength -- makes it even worse! Cause that means I really do suck.

I mean, what the heck and I doing with my life then? I can't even do anything worthwhile, helpful or anything that contributes to the world, society or work in any way.

I'm just a boring person with scarcely any abilities. It makes me think it's more logical to die and make room for the people who are worth it.

And if I die, I won't have to worry about anything anymore. And that, seems less stressful then a world-a lifetime full of stress being surrounded by people who are better than me. Struggling financially.


With all of this. This is stuff my T can't help me with. Cause I know what they'll say and have said. Practice, learn and try getting better at what I love doing. With the new skills I will be learning I will feel more confident about myself, and so on.

I've been trying. Getting no where. Financial stuck, it's either buy new gear and become homeless or save the money for rent and have a stable place to stay. I have two part time jobs already with school full-time. I don't know if I can squeeze in a third job to get more money...

People seem to zoom off ahead with their skills that I can't catch up.

What now? I'm in this damned cycle for so long. What do I do now?

[WikidPissah]

Sorry everything is so bleak for you. I know what that feels like, I am in a really low place myself. Please don't give up on you.

[ECHOES]

I have two part time jobs already with school full-time.

The practical things are important. But I wonder if others are having to do all this? Those with a lighter schedule would have more time and energy and focus. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and that's all you can do.

[ColourBars]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It sounds like you are doing the best you can and that's all you can do.

I get that. I really do. But when we're done school and sent off to work in our industry, being the best I could be by learning and trying isn't gonna be enough. You gotta be good at what you're trained to do, kind of thing. And compared to everyone, I don't cut it.

I could try learning and growing all I can but what's the point if there are other people who are probably going to be hired over me? It's not "just school", it's my future too. My career. My life. If I fail at that.... well, then I'm pretty much useless, don't you think?

At that point, what then is there to do?

[learning1]

Originally Posted by ColourBars

I get that. I really do. But when we're done school and sent off to work in our industry, being the best I could be by learning and trying isn't gonna be enough. You gotta be good at what you're trained to do, kind of thing. And compared to everyone, I don't cut it.

I could try learning and growing all I can but what's the point if there are other people who are probably going to be hired over me? It's not "just school", it's my future too. My career. My life. If I fail at that.... well, then I'm pretty much useless, don't you think?

At that point, what then is there to do?

No, you definitely won't be useless just because you don't get hired in your field right away. You're an important, unique person who is doing the best you can and working very hard. That gives you empathy for other people who have to work very hard and it makes you a role model for them. There is a lot more to life than just intelligence and career success. There's acquaintances, friends and relationships, there's art, there's time enjoying oneself alone, reading, exercising, sleeping...

[ColourBars]

Originally Posted by learning1

There is a lot more to life than just intelligence and career success. There's acquaintances, friends and relationships, there's art, there's time enjoying oneself alone, reading, exercising, sleeping...

But having a stable source of income and structure is the bulk of it to support all those other things, don't you agree? ..... I mean, without that... then you don't have a place to stay, a place to sleep, be alone, to eat. You know?

[Fixated]

A stable source of income is nice, but that means something different for everyone. I get the feeling you would only be satisfied with something in the six figures range, but I truly believe that you can have all the happiness you want with a modest income or modest whatever.

A T can help with these things because the amount of self-hate and criticism you have has to have come from somewhere and started for a reason. A T can't help you be better at your career necessarily or stop others from being better than you, but they could help you deal with the pressure.

[ColourBars]

Getting a five figure job is what I was thinking of actually ....

I used to have a T whom I would see from time to time. I don't want to see my T. It reminds me of feeling like a failure not being able to walk out of there all "cured" of my depression and ****. I felt I was at a point where he couldnt help me anymore too.

I'm always feeling so numb and cold. It'd draining people who are close to me in real life. I'm always thinking of just getting rid of the source of the problem (me) and it would be a workable solution. But I constantly think of how I could fyck up my suicide and how that in the end could be a bigger burden.

Anyway, there are some people in life that can't be helped. Maybe I'm one of them. If I go, I go. If I live on, finish school, scrape by life with dimes and crumbs till death then.... well... that life path seems pointless. And worthless to go through.

But anyway, thanks to all for posting.

[venusss]

You need to realize there is an economic crisis looming out there, so not being hired straight away doesn't mean YOU are incompetent... it tells more about the market.

It's hard for everybody, but I guess it can be done.

I hardly ever say this to people, because I am all "do or die", but you are really hard on yourself, too much for your own good. You are trying... why do you "have to" be the best? As long as you are decent, it's all good. Imagine if all people who are the best at what they do quit... the world would not be better off.
Truth is... only few people can be "the best". The others are average... and that is not a crime. Sometimes it's good enough. Average singers still produce songs people enjoy. Average doctors still cure people. Average architects still design houses for people to live in. It's all good. There is more to life than being competitive. You can still contribute a lot to the world.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ColourBars

And compared to everyone, I don't cut it.

There's no contest going on except in your head. You get hired for a job (and you have been hired for 2 jobs and are going to school at the same time and staying up with your personal life despite significant handicaps so you are not incompetent getting jobs or working hard) and you work that job. What the other people are doing, even in your field is what they are doing. So you are only the backup drummer in the band, on stand-by? If you want to be doing that, that's great!

I'm retired now, went through life not working at very interesting jobs until my last one, which was literally made for me. When we start out, we can't be on top or there'd be no where to go? We can't have the experience or know ourselves well and what we are capable of doing yet because we haven't put in the time. Do you know that, factually, it takes 10 years of work in a field to get good? Writers take 10 years before they are good writers. Bill Gates didn't suddenly become "Bill Gates", he started as a geeky young teen and put in his 10 years.

Yes, it also takes the right equipment at the right time, the right mentors, education, and surroundings to become Bill Gates but if you want to do what you are working on, then the 10 years of hard work can come at any time. I wanted to write a novel for the longest time it seems like but started studying writing and taking classes and putting in the time writing in the mid-90's and, guess what, I wrote a pretty good novel in 2009 http://mysharingspaceonline.com/story.pdf Didn't even edit it or do anything further with it (besides get a free proof copy) but the point was I wanted to write it and I finally was able to, because of the 10 years of work I put in.

That's why looking at what others are doing can make us crazy; they are at different points, want different things, are more/less concentrated on wider/narrower subjects than we are. What we see of them is truly only the tip of the iceberg.

Like I said, I'm retired. Does that mean I've given up, do nothing? No! I'm very active in the fields that interest me, am still learning and working on becoming the best I can "now" for my own purposes. At 61 and me starting only a few years ago, there are scores of people who are better than I am at what I'm doing but they're not Me, they don't have my particular background and experiences and point of view. They can't do what I do as well as I do it because they are not me, doing what I am doing, from my perspective.

[Sannah]

My question is did a parent make you feel like you could never be good enough?

[ColourBars]

Originally Posted by Sannah

My question is did a parent make you feel like you could never be good enough?

All the time. But I don't need them to realize I suck *** either. T_T

[Sannah]

Can you see how you have internalized how they treated you?

[likewater]

colourbars, you are waay overwhelming yourself. just take one step at a time. you'll get the job you are meant for. after graduating not EVERYONE gets their perfect job in their exact field immediately. a good T would really help with your self doubt and self esteem issues which could be sabatouging you. please dont give up. the world would lose a great____? what did you study?

[mcl6136]

[quote=ColourBars;2348800]I have stopped seeing my T since last month. I have seen them for over a year before ending the sessions.

I'm thinking I'm feeling pretty stable and on top of things but **** I still get waves of these really intense feelings of just self-hatred, anger and then getting pretty depressed.


I know where they come from. Whenever I see one of my peers in the program I'm in, produce something really great and spectacular, or show off equipment they have that's really cool - I just get all angry at myself and bummed out.

I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. That even if I practice, save up to buy equipment and review a whole bunch of tutorials and stuff, I'll never be good enough compared to everyone else.

comparison is the basis of all misery

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ColourBars

I get that. I really do. But when we're done school and sent off to work in our industry, being the best I could be by learning and trying isn't gonna be enough. You gotta be good at what you're trained to do, kind of thing. And compared to everyone, I don't cut it.

I could try learning and growing all I can but what's the point if there are other people who are probably going to be hired over me? It's not "just school", it's my future too. My career. My life. If I fail at that.... well, then I'm pretty much useless, don't you think?

At that point, what then is there to do?

Success at school, success at work, and success in life are three very different things.

Many of your schoolmates will soon discover (as I did) that being top in school is worthless outside it.

For your long-term happiness, the work you do in therapy is more important than the work you do at school.