eye contact, or lack thereof

As a kid some of us learn that we are bad, wrong, or broken. How do you get past the shame? I imagine the only way to get it out is to slowly let the light of acceptance and love into your soul. Take baby steps. Hang around people who accept you and treat you good. Find healing for the childhood wounds that shamed your childhood self. Face down your mental demons. Why are you so bad? Obviously you feel that you are bad or wrong, but just because we feel something to be true does not make it so.

I have a hard time with eye contact and when we're discussing something really tough, I don't look at my T at all. Sometimes she asks or tells me to look at her to keep me present otherwise I'd likely be off in my own mind somewhere. Avoiding eye contact for me is to avoid vulnerability and to just check out of the moment/situation. T used to be gentler about requesting eye contact in those tough moments, but lately she's been more firm with me.

A couple sessions ago, she also very directly told me to sit up (as I have a tendency to sink into the sofa more and more throughout session, trying to disappear). I made some small noise of frustration, but sat up. My T is pretty good at recognizing when to be tough with me and when to be more gentle. I've learned I can handle a lot more toughness and challenge than I thought.

I have a tough time with eye contact with other people too, but I feel safe enough with T that I try to practice maintaining eye contact with her in the safe environment. It's been helpful for me to try, even when I feel really umcomfortable.