[Mike_J]

So I got back from seeing my therapist a couple of hours ago. Had an AMAZING session, it was so great to see her smile as I told her about how I’m coping with my current situation. Yes it’s difficult and I’m afraid, but I’m accepting the facts of the situation, facing the reality head on and moving forward. I still have this knot in my stomach that has been there for the last 3 weeks but I’m still standing, I have taken some huge blows that recently that I would have thought would easily break me, but they didn’t and I have her to thank for being patient and caring, and giving me the tools I needed to deal with things that if you would have told me I would be able to deal with all this "stuff" a month ago I wouldn’t have believed you. Not only am I still standing I’m actually feeling OK about life.

[WikidPissah]

rough. stupid. wasted. session. But oh well. T did call today and offer another appt this week but no, one bad appt per week is enough.

[sconnie892]

Right before I was supposed to leave for t our accountant at work emailed all these questions - even though she knew I was leaving for the weekend. I answered and she emailed more. I ended up getting to t later than I wanted and not getting my usual 15 minute break to transition from work into t. So when t asked how I was I started venting work stuff and basically the whole session ended up focusing on that. I was in a bad mood to begin with and talking about work frustrations only made it worse. Not a good session for the most part. The last few minutes were better but I still feel like most of the session was wasted time.

dont have any until next week

[rainboots87]

It was my "fun" session that I wanted. I got to show her pictures of my friends and family and myself, of course. She said some very helpful things to me and also praised how much thought I had put into our discussion about continuing with therapy after I move. It was a good, albeit unusual session on Monday. Which makes it all the more strange that by Tuesday night through now, I've been emotionally freaking out over who knows what.

[lostmyway21]

Today was a great session. We took it easy and just talked and connected. He was bummed about the weather because he wanted to go for a walk with me. We went for a short 10 minute walk and he talked about how his experience with me (I'm the only client he walks with) has made him want to change his practice and offer it to a lot more people. That because of me he found the theraputic value of our walks. I thought that was pretty cool. We talked about my family structure growing up for the first time. He told me that that I developed some unhealthy behaviors because I didn't go through the stages a child should go through, because I grew up parenting my family. It was nice to hear him organize that into words. T made a deal with me today, after he promised to always continuing treating me...that as long as he never gives up on me, I can never give up myself. He was reassuring and supportive and we laughed a lot today. It was a great session. Just what I needed after the boundary collision we had on Monday.

[Snuffleupagus]

Trigger for hostility at parenthood in general



I hesitate to talk about it because I don't want to offend anyone. These are my issues that I've struggled with for years, and it was hard to bring up with T because my hostility and anger includes her. I would love to find a way out of the anger because it is downright hard to live in this world feeling the way I do.

I talked about how angry I feel at anyone who has biological kids on purpose. How I feel like they are gambling with someone else's money by bringing someone into existence who might well not want to exist. (Witness the passive death wish thread.) How childhood is like a forced marriage where the parent assumes that anyone (because the unborn child could have literally any personality) would be thrilled to be controlled and guided by and live with them for 18 freaking years. How that seems like the height of hubris to me--an assumption of the position of god. How I could never presume to be worthy of that much control over another person. How I have no comprehension of anyone making that choice without some delusional polly anna filter on about both their own magnificence and that of the world.

How once the kid arrives, they become hopelessly enmeshed in a web of relationships and responsibilities, such that choosing their own extinction now means creating such enormous pain and chaos that that choice isn't truly viable. All of which could have been avoided by them not being in the first place.

None of us get to make George Bailey's choice. It's so hard to pretend, and try to be socially acceptable when I feel like this. I can only be honest with a few people. My T is a mother, so it was super hard to be honest with her. She was very kind and open to my anger. In fact, she didn't really seem to think there was anything unhealthy about my views. I just presume there is because I am so deeply in the minority. Strange reception. I presume we'll talk more about it tomorrow.

[Chopin99]

I didn't have a session this week, so I'm just hugging those who had bad sessions and thanking those for sharing their good ones.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I didn't have a session this week, so I'm just hugging those who had bad sessions and thanking those for sharing their good ones.

we are in this together with you this week

My session this week was real positive. I'm in a good place

[Nightlight]

Mine was really good. I feel lucky. I needed it. Although life is so much better for me right now, compared to how it has been in the past, I keep having hours on end, two or three times a week, when I hit the absolute bottom, worse than I've felt for some time. At the time it feels almost impossible to survive. I just don't have the energy to go through it again. I had a really good appointment earlier this week and haven't hit that awful desperate feeling since my last appointment. I'm really hoping I'll manage to last for the whole week. I even talked to T about how she's not planning to live where I am forever...and even that didn't break me. She hugged the person before me goodbye, I think (funny how you don't have to look, but you can so easily hear a hug) and that didn't break me either. This week, thanks to a good appointment things feel like they are starting to come together. I hope the feeling lasts, but I know I'll slip up quite a few more times before it does!

I had a good session... felt a little weird but a good kind of weird... I mentioned in an email after our prior session that I didn't feel as connected to him since I started back to therapy after a few months break... We talked about trust...about what trust looks like between us...

He said he wants to always be there for me. That he will not leave me... or ditch me... or make me leave....

He asked me to think about what holds me back from trusting him... what thoughts are causing the abandonment issues?

The session made me uncomfortable but from good things if that makes sense...

[critterlady]

It was kind of tough. We went into a totally unexpected area and scratched the surface of something deep, old and painful.

Plus, we talked about our relationship and it left me feeling vaguely dissatisfied. I figured out later that the thing I most want was never discussed. I need to bring it up to him next week. A little bit scary - asking for what I want and think I need. He'll probably tell me that I'm being unrealistic and passive-aggressive.

[stopdog]

A bafflement where no one seemed to have a clue what was supposed to be happening.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Mine was really, really good. I went in completely dissociated and my T helped me get grounded and stay that way. I felt safe and we had a good discussion. I was grateful for my T's help today. I was overwhelmed before the session, and after, I felt like I could manage things again.

[vanessaG]

Well my T gave me a 500 something question MMPI test. Took the whole hour. I guess I'll find the results out next week which should be interesting....

[shipping]

I just had a very good session; I've been in a state of almost-crisis for three weeks. Each week something has come up where I thought I needed to contact T, but I talked myself out of it. So by the time I have gotten to see T, things had worked out and I was feeling a bit better. I started session by telling her it happened again; I thought I would need to contact her; I talked myself out of it; I survived and got better. She smiled and said, "so far, we're 100%. That's reassuring, isn't it?" We celebrate these victories together.

Then we got into a discussion about the reasons I am afraid to reach out to my mom who is visiting me. I retraced a severe abandonment--when I was abused during giving birth to my son and my mother didn't stop it even though I reached out to her physically, wordlessly, grabbing her sweater; she pried my hands loose and let the abusive doctors take me and hurt me. My T already knew this story. She let me tell it again and this time I cried and cried in pain as I told her. T asked me why I didn't tell my mother that I wished she hadn't abandoned me like that, and I cried harder and told her I couldn't risk being abandoned like that again if my mother wouldn't respond.

All I want is for my mother to hear me, and for her to say "I didn't know how to help you."

In the past, I disassociate when I tell this story. With my mother visiting me, I am feeling more vulnerable, and that actually helped me in therapy as I cried for the first time when I told the story. I am glad I have my T, and that she was with me as I cried for the first time about this incident. It was not what I want, because I want my mother, but it was cleansing.

Why would my mother do that?

At least, I had my T. Maybe I will eventually get through this and understand my abandonment by my mother. Any thoughts, my friends?

[lrt1978]

My last session was ok, feel a bit fobbed off, as T had planned our session out so when I went in and gave the update of week, she looked at everything and said it looked like I need trauma therapy, then goes so today we will work on this and that, then assess you next session.

maybe next session she will say more on what I told her this week

[pianolady]

I have a session next week. I NEED this so bad!

[kellerwmd]

I just met with my therapist for the first time, and I would have to say there were a few moments of like "enlightenment" about who I am, why I am, and how it's actually okay to be me. Im really, truely excited about what this could bring. It's been a long, hard, frightening time coming. I can't see her for another two weeks, so that's kind of a bummer, but maybe I can do something positive for myself in that time, and we can build on that. Here goes nothing!

[dizgirl2011]

Another 'blink and you miss it' session and now another long week of waiting for another 50 minutes that will be over in no time.

good session, talking and sharing more. glad i went.

My little one cried and threatened boogers on T's shirt. It was a painful day today.

[krisakira]

It was okay... I feel like my T small-talks too much. I feel like more could get done, but it's not. I feel like we haven't gotten deep enough yet. But she did tell me I was doing really well with everything we are working on so that's a plus.