Pdoc tomorrow

Good luck.

Thinking of you!!!

That was awkward. But maybe I did not screw it up. Or perhaps I did. How can you tell?

Anyway, one huge relief: since T is a psychatrist he's in the medical system, and I found out today that that includes when he sees people as a T. Which, to make a long story short, means that I don't have to pay him anything once I've hit the maximum yearly sum for healthcare, and I did that today. (Sweden: long holidays for Ts but almost-free medical aid - win some, lose some). This means I don't have to explain anything to H.

And I still think he can help me. I just have to learn to talk to him.

Unless I screwed up.

glad you got to go and were sure you couldnt do anything to screw things up♥♥♥

Why do you think you screwed up? It takes time to talk (years if your a wicked pisser ). Give yourself the time and space to learn to trust him. Really good about the $$$. Not many people get that kind of care for free.

Good. And I don't think you could have screwed up.

That's great! my faith in the swedes has been restored! altho what you said yesterday about s-e-x could destroy my T's, if he were to find out... - is there a twirl-mustache smilie? this will do:

Thanks, everybody, for your confidence in me. I'm sure I don't know what I've done to deserve it. I still think I probably made a very uninteresting impression. I really want to be this interesting client who deserves to get help. (Hmm. Should I say that to him? Probably not - might be seen as manipulation.)

A lot of the time I sat mute with clenched fists, seeking for words in my mind in a kind of increasing panic. He brought up several topics I would really have liked to explore, but I failed to say anything constructive about them. Will I be able to bring those up again?

I do like his attitude, though. I think I'll come to like him as well - not saying that I dislike him, at all, just that I don't yet know him at all. And - pathethic Apteryx - I would like for him to like me as well.

Am feeling better now than I did a few hours ago. I had a surprise visit from my niece, who is 18 and enjoys hanging out with her auntie. How cool is that?

And now I'm obsessing about whether I'm overthinking things. Argh.

Coaching friend suggested I bring in an index card saying "I'm worried I'm about to screw things up" on one side, and "I'm worried I just screwed things up" on the other. Why can't I just relax and talk?

Forgive me for scribbling some more before going to bed... I would like to be supportive to a lot of people in other threads but I'm just not coherent enough. I'm really freaking out now. Hopefully this does not lower your opinion of Swedes too much, hankster.

And my thoughts are too scattered for me to say anything sensible here, either. Bah. One thing that worries me is that I misinterpreted something he said, and reacted to what I thought he said - which was cleared up, so not really an issue, but I'm really worried about what he'll think of the fact that I misunderstood him, and of my reaction to what I thought he said, which may have revealed more than I intended.

Gaaah. I want to be in control of everything. Or at least in command of my own thoughts and words. And yes, I know I'm overreacting. I really don't like myself much right now.

yea. That's pretty much normal from what I read on these forums. Of course you want him to like you, we all want to be liked. (except stopdog, she just prefers to not be disliked )
And I get the wanting to be in control...you saw where that got me!

I don't think you screwed anything up. And your thoughts/desires make sense to me ... I like to be in control of things, to feel like I have command of my thoughts and words too. And when I don't feel like I did, I do tend to feel like I screwed up - even if I can tell myself, eh, so and so seems to think I was fine, it doesn't always matter, because I didn't please myself!
Perhaps you are ruminating a wee bit much .... maybe not overthinking totally, but probably overjudging yourself! Give yourself a mental and emotional break, take some deep breaths, do something diverting/fun for your mind ... you really are OK and I think it sounds like you handled things fine, really I do.

Next appointment is in 10 minutes. Think of me.

That went well. I brought up that I didn't think I'd articulated my thoughts very well last week, and we discussed that a little. I managed to tell him about my suicidal thoughts, nothing exploded and he didn't have me committed. I even managed to talk about my work without freaking out completely. We covered several other topics as well, though obviously not in depth. I'm constantly amazed by the way he asks questions that just cut through my BS and targets things I hadn't thought of. I was also reassured that I'm going to get to have therapy with him for as long as I need it, there's no limit to the number of appointments I get. (You never know when something is government funded, how the system works. This time it works in my favour and I'm deeply grateful.)

That sounds great! Don't worry, one can only think great thoughts of Sweden in my T's office! He says people are always trying to tell him it's not what he thinks it is, but i'm pretty sure he KNOWS from personal experience. sometimes we talk about lutefisk there are a bunch of jokes about it in wikipedia!

Sounds quite productive Apt! Sorry I was sleeping, otherwise I would have done the whole pocket riding thing. Can you relax about the session this week, or is your mind harping on every little detail again?

It felt very productive, and I'm not worried at all this time. I spent some time after the session writing down my thoughts and summarising what we'd talked about, and now I don't feel any need to obsess about it.
So I'm relaxed Apt.