So I told my T one of the two horrible things about me that I planned to never tell anyone ever. It took forever -- two years of therapy and the whole session today and I finally spit it out in the last ten minutes. I have tooth marks inside my lips from biting them so hard and a wicked headache, but I did it. My T did not think it was horrible, nor did he think it said anything ABOUT me as a person. He agreed it was the kind of thing that will F with your head though. hahahaha. For some reason it cracks me up when a professional says something like that -- "yeah. That'll f u ck with your head when that happens." Um. yeah. It DID in fact f with my head. That's why I'm here.

So, now I'm done with therapy right? The other horrible thing I REALLY am never telling anyone so I don't need to worry about that. For some reason, all along, I've thought once I wasn't depressed anymore and finally got some of this stuff out in the open, I'd be done.

Oh, and also, I was exhausted after the session and keep feeling like I need to cry, but there's really nothing to cry about. So maybe I'm not done after all.

we are very proud of you for being so brave and telling what you did♥♥♥

[lostmyway21]

I'm glad you were able to get it out. Good work!!!

[stopdog]

Ah, just asked about you in another thread. You did a brave thing.

Very Brave..... and never say never....maybe one day when the planets align and the stars are just right... and no you have only just begun....LOL but dont take my word for it, im kinda cukooo...lol

[skysblue]

Done? Really? hmmmmm

There was weird music playing in the waiting room today and my T mentioned he didn't like and said it made him feel like he should be serving margaritas. I told him that if he did serve margaritas, it would be much easier for me to talk to him.

MKAC I'm thinking marga-benzo

[WikidPissah]

holy crud MKAC! Come over here and rub some of that brave on me! Woot woot, Go Go MKAC POWER!!

MKAC, you are so brave. Very proud of you for being able to say it. You deserve rest and to be very gentle with yourself.

((((((((MKAC))))))) Wow...good, good, good work

For me, it took a long long time to get the stories out, and I thought I would be done then, but in some ways, it was the beginning. Once I told, we were able to start dealing with how those things have affected me, and in many ways, are still affecting me today. Because that's really what brought me to therapy in the first place...the after effect of what happened. Telling was excruciatingly hard, and a huge weight was lifted after I did tell.

And then we kept working.

For now, rest. Rest gently and well. You deserve it!

[delicatefade26]

Woot! Great job on getting it out there!! What if this is just another beginning?! Hehe

[healed84]

Good job MKAC!!!!

[Freefall1974]

Done??? That was a very brave thing you did. I did that once, thought I was done, said " there couldn't be anymore". The reply I got- "Oh there"s always more". And there was and there is and is am still working . My big secrets pop out. Those things I swore no one would ever know. But now my T knows, and what a safe place that is. I hope you have that. And I apologize to anyone who is offended by the icon. I have a weird sense of humor aka sarcasm

[Freefall1974]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

MKAC I'm thinking marga-benzo

Instead of salt around the rim of the glass you could put Xanax?

Originally Posted by Freefall1974

Done??? And I apologize to anyone who is offended by the icon. I have a weird sense of humor aka sarcasm

Darling ... sarcasm and seemingly, self proclaimed, weird humor are welcomed.. Ney ney EMBRACED here... My 2 cents, well 3 ( I'm windy) ... Welcome.

[critterlady]

Yep, you're all done now! Well, maybe not, but you took a huge, very brave step. Good for you. Really. It is good for you!

[SoupDragon]

My T said something to me yesterday, which I am trying to get my head round - there are some things that have been "named" but not talked about in the sessions. They are there to be talked about at some point when it feels safe enough. T told me the significant thing is not what the things are, but being able to talk about them with T. I'm sure I grasp this completely, but I think the significant thing therefore is feeling safe enough and being able to trust someone enough to share - so the process rather than the content.

I say I am struggling to grasp because those things that have not been spoken about, for me are huge and there remains this bit of me that things they are the most important thing, so not the process but indeed the content. But T's words stick in my head and I am trying to understand them.

So it therefore follows, the fact that you shared this with your T, means you have taken demonstrated that you can take a massive step forward - the fact that it has taken you so long to share, shows how brilliantly you have done - you achieved something that was really, really difficult for you - so hope you feel suitably proud of yourself.

I also realised from my session yesterday - that maybe the real work starts when we can get to that place of trusting deeply - so you're probably not done - you have just succeeded in laying some really solid foundations from which to build on.

Huge amounts of respect to you MKAC - Soup

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

For some reason, all along, I've thought once I wasn't depressed anymore and finally got some of this stuff out in the open, I'd be done.

Do you feel like you're done? Do you want to end therapy now? Even if you have been thinking for a long time, "once I tell T such and such, I will be done," now that it has happened, you don't need to hold to that thought. You're allowed to change your mind or realize that what you had been thinking may not actually be true. Maybe there is more to therapy still than telling this particular thing. There need be no rush to end therapy. Keep going, see what happens.

oh wow MKAC I'm just now seeing this. damn! that's a pretty significant mile-marker innit?****ing brave, that is.

congratulations!!

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

My T said something to me yesterday, which I am trying to get my head round - there are some things that have been "named" but not talked about in the sessions. They are there to be talked about at some point when it feels safe enough. T told me the significant thing is not what the things are, but being able to talk about them with T. I'm sure I grasp this completely, but I think the significant thing therefore is feeling safe enough and being able to trust someone enough to share - so the process rather than the content.

I say I am struggling to grasp because those things that have not been spoken about, for me are huge and there remains this bit of me that things they are the most important thing, so not the process but indeed the content. But T's words stick in my head and I am trying to understand them.

So it therefore follows, the fact that you shared this with your T, means you have taken demonstrated that you can take a massive step forward - the fact that it has taken you so long to share, shows how brilliantly you have done - you achieved something that was really, really difficult for you - so hope you feel suitably proud of yourself.

I also realised from my session yesterday - that maybe the real work starts when we can get to that place of trusting deeply - so you're probably not done - you have just succeeded in laying some really solid foundations from which to build on.

Huge amounts of respect to you MKAC - Soup

Not sure how much respect I deserve, Soup, given the nature of what I was telling him. But, thank you. I have shared things with him before that were intensely difficult but never something THIS bad (at least it's really bad inside my head). The weird thing is that I do not feel awful today or exposed the way I thought I would, or the way that I did with telling him LESS awful stuff before. So maybe this was a huge step forward for me.

My T said also that the act of talking about the shameful things was really important not so much to have him "fix" anything, but as a first step to actually say the stuff out loud, just to get past the shame, pull the stuff out of the dark and into the light and see that it isn't even mine. The shame and the horror AREN'T mine. There is a reason that what happened to me is illegal: children simply aren't equipped to deal with this stuff.

I agree with you, though that the content seem HUGE and hard to get past how it seems to say something horrible about you. My T said he already knew or had guessed at most of what I've had to tell him from the first moment I said I was sexually abused. But if he said those things right when I first told him I was sexually abused -- oh you felt X and Y, and Z happened then also, right? -- I would have run away or shut down completely. And he's right. Your T, if he's any good (and it sounds from your other posts like he is), has heard all of this stuff before. He probably already knows and cares for you anyway. There is some relief mixed in the nausea about having finally told, and my T still treated me the same way, and says he still cares about me and isn't grossed out.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Do you feel like you're done? Do you want to end therapy now? Even if you have been thinking for a long time, "once I tell T such and such, I will be done," now that it has happened, you don't need to hold to that thought. You're allowed to change your mind or realize that what you had been thinking may not actually be true. Maybe there is more to therapy still than telling this particular thing. There need be no rush to end therapy. Keep going, see what happens.

Nah, I don't feel like I'm done. Thanks for pointing out that it's just something that was happening in my mind -- I'm done when . . . It's not like it was ever set in stone that I have to stop at any certain point.

Thank you to everyone for all of the support and encouragement! I actually feel pretty okay today. Still just exhausted though.

[Sannah]

Very good work!!

[stopdog]

I am glad to hear you are still feeling good today.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

The shame and the horror AREN'T mine.

When this little piece of truth clicked for me, it was really big. Really big, but also really small at the same time. As in, why the heck have I been making such a fuss about this is mine, mine, mine all along-- of course it isn't mine. What happened to me, isn't about me.

This moved me forward in many of my relationships in present time, it allowed me to step back from relationships and to see how little of how other people treat me (both positively and negatively) has to do with me. Nowadays, I sometimes swing the other direction-- if you want me to take something personally, you gotta be really obvious about it. "Oh, this is mine?" I might say, completely innocently, "I thought it was yours."