Sucking it up

So I sucked it up and made an appt. with T for tomorrow.

What do I do? I can never speak, and I have all this pressing crap to deal with. I should talk about why I bailed. Everything I have read said that you should deal with the relationship first. ick. I want to talk about being too attached. (I actually mentioned this in the email I sent when I was doing the sucking up). I don't know if he will bring it up though. I don't want to talk about my med-free choice, but I really want to tell him how much better my day to day life is going without medication. I have an appt with pdoc this week that I'm really scared of too. (pdoc doesn't know I went med-free).

Scuze me while I find a rock to climb under.

wikid, Im going to go out on a limb here. This may be stupid, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

Is it possible you could march yourself in there and NOT THINK about it, just start talking? Recite the alphabet. Say anything, just start talking. DONT THINK about it, just do it.

Here's where this is coming from. A little embarrassing, but I will share. I was so hung up on someone decades ago. Could not get them out of my mind, thought about them 24/7. I was obsessesd The only way I could quit was, everytime they popped into my mind, I started singing or grabbed a magazine and read something out loud. ANYTHING to not think about it. After a while, my old thinking habit was replaced with a new one. Its a little out there I suppose, but what the heck. If it helps one person, I am glad I tossed it out. *hugs*

I have a lot of trouble talking too. If I have something I am afraid that I won't talk about, I tell him right when I get there that I have a harder topic that I need to work up to. He's good at asking me about it mid-session when I'm at my most talkative. (Which is not even remotely talkative, but whatever. )

I, on the other hand, nevereverohnonever have any problems talking. Ever. Ahem. Why did my nose grow eight feet??

Talking is the HARDEST thing. I can't give you any good advice on how to do it. I still think you made the right choice to go back to T.

I agree with pbutton! I would occasionally tell T2 there was something I needed to talk about - but I wasn't ready right that second - we'd then dilly dally around a bit, and get to it when I was good and ready! Ultimately, it let T know not to get too into another subject, and to make sure I DID talk about what I needed to (I'm the queen of avoidance)!

Remember - in reference to not wanting to talk about your no med choice - you don't have to tell T anything you don't want to! I'll be thinking of you - I hope it goes how you want it to!

Thanks for the hugs when I know you are feeling so badly yourselves.
Not stupid, it's a really good idea. Now if I could just push myself over the hump to do it.
Another really good idea. thanks pb.
thanks Pinocchio.
really? I thought I was queen! thanks bb

I guess that's a ton of votes for just blurting out something when I get in there. T, I have to talk about why I bailed at some point during the hour. I can do that, right? arg

yeah those are all really good ideas. I actually do just what you did: In the last few months of my time with ex-T I would email him a brief note prefaced by saying he didn't need to respond but that I needed to talk about this thing in our next session. It kept me from chickening out about it when the session actually rolled around and it kept it on the plate in case other things had happened that distracted me in the meantime.

either way I have confidence you're gonna do it and it's not gonna go as badly as you thought!

I hope the appointment goes well. Remember you did nothing wrong in taking a break.

Ditto the DOG!

Yes, yes you can! (I'm being truthful this time!)

I've tried the blurting thing, too. It works.

Yah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do you need to go to pdoc if you are med free?

GO BLURT GO BLURT GO BLURT!!!!

((((( Wikid )))))

I hope your session is productive. Keep us posted!!! (( HUGS ))

arg. I am the biggest looser on the planet. I was stupid to think I would be able to talk. Huge waste of time. Most painful session ever. Sorry I let you guys down. Bring on the sleeping pills and vodka.

not quite med free all the way...still titrating off the ativan, I need smaller dosed pills.

You didn't let anyone down. We all know what it is like to have one of those sessions and how it feels to so want to have a "do-over". Don't self medicate...write in your journal...write all the things you wished you could say... write all the things you were feeling... don't kill the feelings... find a way to express them!!!! Paint or Draw or something...

Letting someone in your personal fortress is the hardest part of therapy for me. Going to the session even when you can't talk and maybe especially when you can't talk is hard work and you should be proud of yourself...

No. You are not a loser - I know this. I'm really sorry it was so painful. Can you tell us more about it? We're listening if you want. Or write it down for yourself.

Please be gentle with yourself. You have gone through hell with the break from T - maybe it's not so strange that it was difficult to return?

wikid darlin, please dont be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it takes a little while to accomplish our goals. We are here for you. Just keep talking to us and I think next time will be a easier. Try not to give up!!!!

someone tell Chopin that I found out how to cry.

Honey it's ok, no vodka and pills ok?

(((( Wikid ))))

I am so sorry that you had such a hard time during your session. I can imagine how awful you feel - because I recently had a session with T when I came away feeling similarly. SUCH a hard thing to endure.....

Please keep posting, ok? I care.....I really do.

We're all here, Wikid, willing to hold your hands so you don't feel the need to self-medicate. Huge hugs.

thank you everyone. I walked down to the beach and zoned out...lost a couple of hours, but that's fine. No vodka, no pills. So sorry if I triggered anyone. I have worked so hard at tapering of psych meds, I couldn't pop a handful of unisoms and ruin that.

I didn't make another appointment, he asked me what I wanted to do, I couldn't speak so I agreed to text when I want another appointment. I really hope I can withstand the urge to put myself thru that again. I don't know why I keep feeling drawn back into therapy, I need to remember this feeling.

I am sorry to hear it did not go well. If I may ask, was it that you could not talk/explain or was he a jerk?