My "new" therapy

Thank you so very much for sharing this, and for reminding me why I've slogged for so many years to reach my current career.

What you wrote reminded me of this:
'When we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us' - Eve Ensler

I am finding, ever so slowly, that I am starting to experience what you describe. I started with a doll- seriously. T gave me a doll for my birthday, and I started bit by bit to realise that I myself could care for it (me). This week, a friend asked me to be her daughter's Godmother. Today I walked around a shop full of baby things. Not thinking (as I have so many times before) about how I wish I could go back and be a baby, or filled with grief over not being T's baby, but instead thinking of the ways in which I could fulfil my adult role and commitment to this new little baby. Slowly, it happens...

Wiki, I don't feel like I'm getting much support in this thread anyway. I'm busy in RL right now, and that't the goal, right? I get depressed reading my threads. My T wants to do EMDR more than IFS now anyway, but I know SHE believes in parts. This is all so triggering but I know it's about people having different views. MY issues. I feel like I have to defend my T but I don't know how. My father used to say "different strokes for different folks." He was more stable than I am.

I'm sorry Rainbow.

My grandmother used to say "that's why they make chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry"

It's just that I'm still angry with my T and myself. I need a reality check with her about some of the things people posted in both threads. I get confused and don't know what fits and what doesn't. I know I have trouble when people have opinions that don't match mine. I know I don't like when my therapy or T is questioned. I also know that there is no one right way to do therapy. What I don't know is what I myself believe. I don't know if I'm a selfish person who messed up my life, or if I'm doing okay. I don't know if I'm hopeless or if I can change. I don't know if I want to change. I don't know if therapy is the problem and I should just quit and never see a T again. I don't know what to do! I miss my T.

Rainbow, I like the chocolate conflict. it's concrete, and it demonstrates or represents other internal conflicts that were not being dealt with. But the fact that they are coming to the surface, shows they ARE being faced more directly. And you (and i) are both being busier. Therapy is changing, and so are we. Rainbow, I think you're doing good. I think we're doing IT.

hankster, I NEEDED your post right now. Thanks so much for understanding. Yeah, we'll get through this, won't we, and come out better!

seriously, you said a lot of things you never said before, like the chocolate conflict and another conflict thing right before it, I forget what. that is unusual in your posts, but it caught my eye because it was mentioned in the coen book. I told my T I am memorizing it! There is a part where Coen says, people want to be attached to their T because then "everything will be alright." And those are the EXACT words I used when T finally got over HIS fear of even talking about getting married again (honestly what a scaredy-cat he is!) and asked me what would it MEAN for us to get married. And I just said, everything would be alright. He's like, what does THAT mean? i'm like, idk! you're the T! Just, ALL RIGHT. And then there it was in Coen's book. Spooky. (I know I read the book before I said it, but it would be weird for me to connect it with marriage exactly, Coen didn't.)

rainbow a lot of what your saying is how i think my mom feels. i am the COMPLETE opposite of her in terms of reacting emotionally. I found this article that I *think* relates to how you feel.

Quote:

When our core sense of self is damaged or underdeveloped we are more susceptible to emotional fusion with others and has us handing responsibility for our happiness over to everyone around us. This “enmeshment” further stems from our inability to moderate the forces of individuality and togetherness that mark every relationship we have. Too much individuality leads a person to disconnect from those around him; too much togetherness and a person begins to feel life is determined by those around her, helplessly dependent on others’ emotional vibes. This has huge implications for marriage-minded folks. Finding balance between connectedness and differentiation is, according to many marriage and family therapists, one of the most important elements of a successful relationship. n the enmeshed family everyone shares the other's life-system, like siamese twins. One learns not to look within one's self for awareness of what one is about, but to the other members of the family. The child who is happy when his mother is happy and sad when mother is depressed is enmeshed. The child who is made privy to all the struggles of the parents and invited into them, often made responsible for them and asked to comfort or give advice to his parents is in the enmeshed family. The child who is relied upon as being "father's little helper" or "mama's strong little man" to the point where he begins to define himself as essential to his parents for their happiness is in the enmeshed family. Enmeshment greatly handicaps one's sense of individual identity, and consequently the sense of individual effectiveness and responsibility. If one is not "separate", how can one make a real decision about her place in the family, and, by extension, in the world. Also, enmeshment is very hard to see if one is in it, for the net becomes a part of the self. One shares in the family shame, the family's inability to be strong in the world, the family's inferiority feelings, simply because one belongs to the family, not specifically because of anything one has done. The enmeshed family has made the choice to attempt to cope with its frailty and shame by fusing with one another in an effort to find strength in numbers, and in emotion-based reciprocal justifications, blame-makings and affirmations. Unfortunately, this results in the loss of a sense of personal power. Shame shared is still shame.

also if this is way off base, please tell me! i am trying to remember your history with your mom, but i think this is close?

velcro - if anyone understands enmeshment, it would be VELCRO good article, thanks.

LOL. hysterical! never thought of that i am more of a "i can do it by myself, thank you very much! i need no one!!!" which is the opposite stance my mother takes. I also realize that it is a huge defense. One thing that we share is to be easily swayed by others' opinions. I noticed this about myself a few years ago and my roommate goes "I from now on will not answer any questions you have if you should do this vs that. You do look for assurance from other people." IT was a frustrating time because she literally did that! It did make me realize how often I needed to hear other people's opinions on if i should buy this, or if i should say that...etc. I could never just make a decision on my own.

i still have trouble with that, but have gotten better. my mom is worse. for example she is in a very tough time in life and she is trying to sell her house and trying to get a job in another state and is very, very insecure and calls me panicking about once a week. the other day she said that she didn't know if she should move because she may have to rent her house instead of trying to sell it if she gets this job. she doesn't want to do that because her ex-gf who has major crazies (no offense to anyone...but its too long to explain) is a co-owner on the house. therefore she'd be involved in all decisions.

she said she was scared and didn't want her in her life anymore. i told her that was completely understandable, but this was a business decision. get a lawyer, mediate it and contract the ***** out of everything! she said true, but she questioned all of this because earlier that day a friend had told her that she needed to cut all ties with her ex because she was 'bad karma.' I told my mom that YES she hopefully should, but the decision comes down to do you want to move out of state and deal with your ex, or do you really want to stay in town? She said "No, i really think i need to move."

*pause for drama* I said, "Mom you have your answer." So now she is like "Your right...blah blah blah," and it will be all good until someone else says something that differs from that.

i'm rambling. sorry!

I just have to second this. I can't believe how much it hurt to have to "give up my dreams" about therapy, and it took a long time to get through it. I went through some BIG anger and some BIG sadness and a lot of confusion and hurt. And I don't know how I got through it, but I did. And it's okay now.

We are special because we are us. I really believe that I am special to my (ex) T because I am me, and because our relationship was unique to us, the only "us" in the world. And finally, that's enough.

You'll get there, rainbow. It will hurt, AND it will be okay.

no velcro I totally get it. everybody in my family all has the exact same furniture, like the same sofa - one buys it, another has to buy it, because all of a sudden it's the "best", no one wants to be left out or make a "wrong" decision taste-wise - it IS nutty!

I am not a huge Jung fan, but I thought this quote was very appropriate for this thread: "There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul." [Posted on facebook, ironically enough, by a person who is currently going to absurd lengths to face her own issues.]

So, rainbow, maybe you can think of the pain as a coming to consciousness - a sign of growth?

I think this is probably a more common problem then not. I constantly question my t's methods when I read other's experiences. You have undoubtedly taken a hard hit on these threads, a lot of people would have them deleted...and there is nothing wrong with that (and there is nothing wrong if you don't do that either). Sometimes too much feedback is a bad thing.

It is hard when other people question your t's methods and behavior. I know when I posted some stuff about mine, hankster came down on him pretty hard and questioned the appropriateness of some things that he said, and whether what was happening was good for me. At first, I was second guessing how I described the situation, wondering if I had presented it badly, because it didn't *feel* inappropriate. I was a little irritable that she disagreed with my interpretation of events.

At some point, I realized that hankster was posting what she did out of care for me. I was relatively new to the forum and had not read some of the horror stories about therapists crossing the line. So, while my t's behavior was appropriate for his relationship with me for a variety of reasons, it would have been wildly inappropriate with some other people, and hankster was right. My t was tailoring the therapy to ME in a way that helped me to open up and trust him and this relationship, but it would not have worked for many people.

My assumption was that your t was tailoring the therapy to you. That she believes that this 'new' therapy is a step you can handle now as you make progress. I was trying to encourage you to accept it with less anger and pain. I was not trying to criticize your therapist.

(((((((((rainbow))))))))))))

I forgot what the Coen book is. What's the title? Thanks, hankster.

It didn't quote the article or else I don't know how to quote it. Anyway, the enmeshment part fits, sort of, though a couple Ts said my Mom and I were enmeshed, and another T said she didn't think so. Not sure what current T thinks. I relate a lot to what you posted about not making decisions and changing my mind based on what others say. It's hard for me to stick with my own opinion when someone presents an opposing view. I start questioning, and second guessing myself. So I'm like your Mom in needing to get opinions on what my own opinion is, and what I should do. My Mom made most of my decisions, and I didn't object, until I want to college.

Thanks, nightsky. You've always been an inspiration to me and now, with the way you ended therapy, you're even more so.

Thanks, MKAC. I'm sorry I reacted badly/defensively to your comments, probably due to not wanting to admit that you're correct. I know my T is correct too. It's about time I give up my childish dreams and live the rest of my life more realistically. The book my T recommended, Awakening Joy, is helping me look at my life differently. I also keep looking at what my T wrote: "It's not taking me out of the equation; it's putting your "self" in there too. I'm not sure what to do about my feelings for her, though. They exist.

Thanks, MKAC. That's a good observation. My T thinks I can handle what she's doing with me now. I want that to be true.

Big hugs ((rainbow)). I don't have much to add as it's been said already by others but I can relate to how hard this must be for you.