Why do these things bother me?

I think it's very natural for people to want to be like the ones they love and respect. It's a way of expressing that we want to be close to them. Maybe your wishing yourself and your T to both be vegetarians (or both omnivores) is just that and has no larger meaning that needs to be dwelled upon. The other day in therapy, my T mentioned to me his favorite kind of sandwich and I felt momentarily disappointed because I do not like this type of sandwich he loves. It was briefly disappointing but I was a little amused at myself too. I acknowledged the thought, then watched it float on down the river out of sight without judging it. Bye. I think you've mentioned you practice mindfulness, rainbow, so perhaps when something like this comes up again, you can try using your mindfulness training so that a thought like this doesn't become larger than life. You said you didn't want to obsess about this and mindfulness would be a way not to.

I wonder if she doesn't actually have a meeting but is saying that to set a boundary on your time together? I think you've said before that she lets your sessions run long sometimes, for example, you get a 90 minute session but only pay for an hour? (Maybe I'm not recalling correctly....) Anyway, since what has changed is that there is now no client after you to place a mandatory boundary on your session time, she may be mentioning this "meeting" to make it easier on herself to set the boundary. Yeah, she is a T and should be more direct than this and be able to end the session promptly, but I can see a T doing this. I could see myself doing this. Of course, this is just speculation, but it is what came to mind when you mentioned her unspecified, post-session "meetings." Maybe you would be less bothered by not knowing what the meetings were about if you just viewed them as a possible therapist boundary-setting tool.

Rainbow... this is gonna sound harsh... but you talk of two issues here, that could be interconnected.

About "secrets".... I don't I don't consider some of the things I am not telling some people "secrets". Secrets are something that is classified, that is "please don't tell anybody ever". Then are things that I just don't tell, because the person would be bored with it, or because I don't want to hear their opinion on it...

which brings me to your first point... you care so much about your therapist weight and diet. You talked about her hair some time ago... I wonder if you do this to other people... that could be the reason why they don't tell you some things, because they know you would not approve.

I think some things just DON'T MATTER. My friends do a lot of things I would not do myself... but so what? Let them. I don't need them to be like me... I think that is part of why we interact with others... to be with someone who is not us. You could easily do many things on your own... you can even debate with yourself... but you would not grow and learn. We learn from differentness. We sometimes even embrace it.

I think it is hard when we are ourselves, stuck in our own lives and heads and looking out to quite get it, that because we see and interact with it, because it is in "our" world, does not make it part of us. When you are writing, you take it for granted that the pen is "yours", it is just an extension of you and part of the process. But, unlike things, animals, events, etc., other people are wholly independent and not something you set in train like the other things. You can talk, feel, reason, etc. but the other person doesn't have to "obey" in any way and that's very frustrating; like a child if his mother does not come and bring the bottle when he cries because he's hungry. "Understanding" that other entity that is not us, how do you begin to since they're not us!

The problem here is that tone is inferential. Content is not. The OP posed a question. She, I think, is experiencing people answering her question. Healing can't just be about things we want to hear. A part of it, a large part of it actually has to be about considering a different way of thinking - uncomfortable though it may be. "You know, maybe they have a point."

All of us get to decide what is best and leave the rest, but all is also worth contemplation.

Personally, I think Rainbow gets a tremendous amount of support from this site and good for her for reaching out and receiving it.

Just want to say I'm not avoiding answering anyone. I'm being mindful. I've got grandkids here!

Like others, I think this is, at it's heart, a boundary issue. Those of us that were deprived of boundaries as children, have a hard time understanding them, and respecting that other people have them.

However, it is a respect that we have to honor, if for no other reason than to reduce the burden on ourselves and improve relationships with others.

"I am separate and distinct from you, and you are separate and distinct from me. You don't have to be like me", which also translates into "I don't have to be like you" and that's a good thing!

Boundaries are also, and this may be counter-intuitive, but very very very liberating. We don't have to know everything about others, we don't have to reveal everything about ourselves. We get to be fully autonomous. Think about that.

And please, please, please, don't sell yourself short and say "I know all that and can't" I know you CAN!

See...right there you don't have to tell us that! It's none of our business! It's up to us to deal with what you want to do! Not you!

(but have fun with the grandkids!)

I would like my T2 to be more like me as well. My T2 isn't physically fit and it bothers me. My T1 I looked up to and looked to her for inspiration as she was a runner. When I found out that T1 lived a privileged life/ upper middle class as a child with parents that cared for her I was somewhat angry about that but at the same time it helped me understand why she didn't 'get it' when it came to my abuse. I believe the best therapists are the ones that have walked a mile in our shoes or faced the struggles that they council people about.

I also don't like the person that t2 sees before me. The client she sees before me glances at me when she walks through the waiting room (she checks me out and I check her out). I kind of feel territorial about seeing T and I know it's stupid to think that way!

That you have discovered this issue for yourself is very good Rainbow. This is how you get better, noticing what needs to be fixed and working on it. I agree with Echoes and elliemay that it probably has to do with boundaries and seperateness.

Thanks, Sannah. I didn't get to work on the boundaries and/or separate issue because my T told me what her meeting was. She was actually going to see a client in their home. No, she doesn't do that regularly. She said she didn't tell me because she knows I get upset hearing about her other clients. I sort of feel maybe we should have talked about boundaries and being separate though.

Somehow we got to "I'm not good enough" from that discussion, so that's what we'll do EMDR on the next time we do it. Or maybe "I'm not wanted". It doesn't seem like T thought it was about boundaries, or maybe she did, but didn't say. I can't remember what we talked about regarding her meeting, and then I jumped around and covered a lot of other topics in the session. It's all kind of vague right now.

Rainbow, have you and T ever discussed your mom from the perspective of her emotional attachment to you?
I have the impression that she was kind of anxiously attached to you and I've wondered what that meant for you, what your role was, how much of your'self' you could manage to be, etc. Almost like anxious attachment kind of in reverse. And is that maybe it is being repeated, because it is familiar - it is what, historically for you, defines a good loving relationship.

Just babbling, but it's come to mind from time to time

Hi rainbow, I've been kind of following this thread (not reading everything but I've skimmed through it) and I don't think it's weird the way you feel about your T. I think I can understand it because I kind of feel the same way about mine sometimes. I think, however, that my T doesn't share anything with me, which maybe makes it less intense for me. Like I have no idea where T is going when she goes somewhere and I for sure have no clue what she eats. So I guess maybe for me there is less opportunity for me to feel what you do?
Also, I think what makes it different for me is that T is a lot older than me, like my mom's age, and is not married and doesn't have kids, so a lot of times I feel like I have more going on than she does. I guess because I am a lot younger than her. Maybe that sounds wrong to say but that is how I feel, which makes those feelings of being left out less intense.
BUT I do remember when I read my T's dissertation and on the acknowledgments page she thanked all these people that I (obviously) had no clue who they were and put personal things down about the people she thanked, and also thanked her brothers and sisters and mom and dad. And after reading the acknowledgments page I felt so left out of her life. LIke it really triggered me (also for other reasons) but one of the reasons why it triggered me was because there were all these people mentioned in the acknowledgments page that were part of her life that I didn't know. Like she had all these relationships that I didn't know about and I just felt left out. So I do know how you feel. Even though it is less intense for me because of the reasons I just mentioned, I definitely feel like I can identify.