We talked about the silence last week. She asked how it felt? I said neither good or bad at that moment.
T asked if I wanted to be in the silence? I said, no not really, but I get stuck in it. T said "locked in"?
Yeah I guess, I said. Then I said that when I do manage to talk again it feels abrut. To loud. It also feels like there's a bit missing.
T questioned me a little more, but because I couldn't express or even have words for what is happening I felt myself getting irritated.
That irritation has stayed since Friday. I see T today, will try to get more into what is going on when I lose words.

Does your T ever break the silence? I was wondering if after 11 years you run out of things to say?

She on occasion asks where I've gone.

No, length of time doesn't equal running out of things to say because therapy is a spiral thing, not a straight line.

I didn't have much silence with my T as she generally filled the silences with her thoughts, which, in hindsgiht, was overwhelming. Do you do something like a stream of consciousness? And when the stream doesn't flow is that what you mean by feeling locked?

[Soccer mom]

I find myself not talking a lot but it's not for lack of thinking. I do believe I forget to tell her what is going through my head. Finally she'll say "say it out loud". i need to do that more but sometimes there's too much going on to pinpoint what I want to say.

Talked today about it. How I struggle to make conversation. I asked T what-is-it-I-am-missing???????
T said "the relationship with your adoptive mother!"

It was like a lightbulb moment. Even though we have talked and talked about it before. Perhaps it was hearing it said in connection with my struggles to talk.
T said, you think sitting quite won't be accepted by others because you-were-never-accepted.
I felt tired at the end, I always do when something has been processed.
T said it is all the harder because it's invisible. Your mother gave you a social disability. But no one can see it.

I'm glad you talked about it.