I know I'm gonna have to email T. I need to chill first. My first thought is I want to tell her to go f@@k herself, I guess because my feeling of shame has been triggered.

I f@@king told her before what I told her that my fear that stops me telling her the crazy thoughts in my head is beause she will make me face the reality of the situation in a harsh sharp way. Then she says, do I do that? no but...and so I tell her and well f@@k me she might as well just slapped me.

aaarrrghhh!

[Perna]

Don't you love those circular problems? Not!

It reminds me a little of your signature quote, "sometimes pushing people away is the only way I can touch them". I think some of your anger at T is to keep from being upset at the situation or yourself and reality? Talk about harsh and sharp! Reality has absolutely no give sometimes, especially when we'd like/need it most.

[SoupDragon]

Hi earthmamma - your post seems very insightful and sounds like you are working through some honest stuff which I know can be hard - I am wondering what she did or said to make it feel like a slap?

Hope the powerful feelings start to settle soon - Soup

I emailed. Let the show commence.

[BashfulBear]

Thinking of you and sending positive wishes your way, earthmamma!

I think you're very brave for allowing yourself to express your thoughts and feeling right now! Let us know how the e-mail works out?!

I'm so sorry, earthmamma. Do you feel like telling us why you feel slapped? I know it's happened to me.

No sorry I can't take that risk

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I emailed. Let the show commence.

SAY it's not true! You sent an email???

I'm never sending another email as long as I live to my T- it's like the kiss of death. Good luck Earthmomma- I hope it works out for you.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by karebear1

I'm never sending another email as long as I live to my T- it's like the kiss of death. Good luck Earthmomma- I hope it works out for you.

This. All of it. The kiss of death & also wishing good luck to Earthmomma.

What's the kiss of death?

T has replied. I know I'm in a transference scenario. It I be f@@ked I can stop it. I told her I want to commit therapy suicide I want too feel the pain of sabotaging it.

[Alionka]

Do you consider a possibility that she might be able to help you work through this. It will be painful but if she is a good T, you will benefit from it in a long run.
Mine completely screwed it up.
Hugs

When I'm in the middle of something all rational thinking goes. I know I've been triggered by today's session and now it's taking on a life form of its own and this is when I destroy whatever is good in my life. There's an urgency about it. I've got to finish it NOW.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

When I'm in the middle of something all rational thinking goes. I know I've been triggered by today's session and now it's taking on a life form of its own and this is when I destroy whatever is good in my life. There's an urgency about it. I've got to finish it NOW.

Sounds like you know yourself well and recognise this pattern - how likely is it that you can choose to do otherwise?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I emailed. Let the show commence.

i like your wry tone here......

[stopdog]

I often want to destroy everything after the appointment. It sucks. Sorry to hear you are going through it.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

When I'm in the middle of something all rational thinking goes. I know I've been triggered by today's session and now it's taking on a life form of its own and this is when I destroy whatever is good in my life. There's an urgency about it. I've got to finish it NOW.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I just went through something similar about a month ago and it was like I temporarily went bat-**** crazy. My brain shut down and I was pure emotion, overwhelmed. I hear what you're saying about it taking on a life of its own. Yeah, exactly. A compulsion.

You know you've been triggered, so that part is good. Really pay attention to the emotions you're feeling. Memorize them, so when this passes you can remember what you felt. And work on it with T.

I know it involves T, so did mine. But we survived.

My best advice: Just try not to break anything that can't be fixed later..............

So as my emails got more intense, even my dearest therapist has too finally admit "this is to complex for email" she offered me an earlier session for tomorrow instead of my reg Friday. But I can't make that I replied that even she Is dumbstruck now

Yes, yes I am in some self fulfilling fantasy. I canst and alone on top of a mountain and cry as I jump "look, they all left me" as me and my self pity take our final breath

The End
Made in conjunction with "self pity films"
Starring. Yew never care & GOrden ****

T replied saying she isn't walking away from me but this would be better talked about in the room. She knows I don't like hearing this but this is about my mother.