T upset with me. I feel lost

imo, everything everybody is saying here is all right and logical and that's all great (except for here-today, s/he is addressing the heart of the matter), but unless and until you have been the pushed-aside perfect invisble little sister your whole freakin life, these are just band-aids applied to one big giganto sinkhole. That's why I was amazed and applaud fixated for even being able to hear it. so yeah, maybe T can teach you how to ACT more politely, and that is a good thing - it would have kept me out of trouble at work, maybe made my finances better - but I would ask her what she intends to do to address the FEEEEELINGS that prompt (not "cause") you to "lash out" this way.

And FINALLY some FEEEEELINGS from stopdog!!! "Good, now you know how I feel!" I am thrilled beyond belief, but i'm not judging. I would however bet BIG bucks, back to fixated, that the ploy of "you should KNOW how i'm feeling!" was a guilt trip that was pulled on you by your family -- cos that's where I learned it, too. They used it to keep you in line ie to mask their neglect of you - YOU should have known better - and so we learned to have the same expectation of other people. Why not? Except that it was never reasonable to begin with, it was a trick.

But see, I don't see it as a band-aid. This is a BIG thing. As I said, I still have friends who do the "Help me/never mind" thing, and I wonder how many times they will go through that, and how many people like me who love and care about them will be pushed away. It's sad. To know that they could be getting help from others, but are self-sabotaging through magical thinking.

I wasn't the invisible one in the family -- I was the superhero, and the type of person who used to enable this behavior from friends who played the invisible role in their families. It would exhaust me. Nothing I did was good enough, because there was always more pushing that I was supposed to tolerate, all these "tests" of how much I cared. At a certain point, I'd wonder if there's a test that I could actually pass that would finally make them treat me like an equal human being and not a superhero, and stop jerking me around with "help me/never mind" so that they could feel loved. I could pour as much of myself into the sinkhole created by their mom and dad, it would never fill it. I wonder sometimes what it would been like if those friends hadn't kept pushing me away to see if I'd come back, until I didn't. Some of those friendships were deeply important to me, and I loved the other person a great deal. But love shouldn't involve messing with someone to make yourself feel cared for.

That is a really big deal. This kind of dynamic prevents close and loving relationships from really maturing. Changing that dynamic is no band-aid.

In fact, changing a dynamic like that has changed my life. My marriage would have ended if both my husband and I hadn't agreed to be emotionally honest with each other, no more passive-aggressive tricks. And when we slip, we say we're sorry, shouldn't have done that. I'd say finding a life partner is also a big deal. Who wants to spend the rest of their life being wrong, because their partner has a deep-seated NEED to be right? How could you expect someone to do that for you?

Changing that all-or-none thinking is no band-aid. It's essential. It's not easy, by any stretch. It's very hard. It involves BELIEVING YOURSELF that you are not invisible. But it is essential.

I think you've completely misread the situation and what the issue is really is. First of all, you don't understand projection. Projection is when you say something to another person like "you're angry with me" as a defense to not wanting to acknowledge that you are in fact the one who's angry. When a T tells you she is angry (or frustrated), she can't be engaging in projection because she's describing her own feelings. That is the opposite of projection, that is owning your own emotional reaction. Projection is focusing on the other person's emotional reaction.

Second of all, F's T was not frustrated because F didn't write her an email full of sunshine and rainbows and appreciation. She was frustrated because F accused her of not "caring" because she did exactly what F told her to do. She was trying to get F to understand that F's behavior has an impact on people, and being "mean" in an unjustified way is going to make people feel frustrated, especially when they are trying to help you.

Finally, if you think that the job of a T is to sit there and accept whatever words and behavior you "feel" like communicating without asking you to consider the effect they have on others, then you should be prepared to stay stuck inside a self-absorbed bubble. Maybe that's your idea of a perfect life, but it's not mine.

Ok. This thread is getting a little intense. I don't have time at this very second to respond substantially, but I want to say I appreciate all feedback. I was starting to feel like I was just falling through the cracks here.

I don't mind disagreement and discussion, but I think we should remember that we are all at different places in our therapy, how our therapists treat us, and how we view our therapists. Personally, I think it is big that I am just able to recognize and acknowledge my feelings and to be constantly trying to remind myself that T's frustration does not necessarily mean she doesn't care anymore. That's big for me, but for some it might seem like first-grade level.

I know it is hard to wait for the next appointment and to get stuff staightened out. I hope you can find some safe and pleasant ways to distract yourself from the stress of it. Most therapists, from what I have seen and read, try to take the client where they are and work from there, even though there are bumps. Sometimes forum posts seem to forget that or people seem to try to impose their approach on others. Neither client nor therapist is always right or wrong or on target. Posters on forums do not have all the answers or knowledge about you and your therapy and therapist, even if they try and act like they do. Good luck with both the wait and the resolution.

I never disagree with my brilliant friend Sally Brown good post!

Some posters are so defensive about their own lives and therapy that they cannot see any way to be different. Some posters act as if there is nothing that can be seen or understood from a post, when in fact what people write often reveals a little piece of their truth. Some posters are so fragile in their own world view that they cannot acknowledge that someone who seems to have the slightest of critical edge to them could possibly have a point. Some posters believe that the only real "correct" way to be on this forum is to say that this works for them, when it is so screamingly obvious it doesn't work at all.

I wish you well in your T, Fix'd. I hope you are able to push yourself beyond your comfort zone and what you think you have to do because of your history, and grow.

It is useful to read other points of view. Agreement is not required.

Which one am I, which one am I???!!! I would guess screamingly obvious (just cos of the screaming part - I do can get loud!)

You actually weren't bothering me, but I was worried about a few of the other posters and didn't want people hurt over a thread that I started.

I've gained a lot of insight and things to think about from what you've said today. For that, I thank you, but you're bringing your own issues into this as well and showing some of the same inflexibility for which you are criticizing others.