things said to your T

I've said "I'm going to miss you a lot," "I really like you" (non-romantically), "Can I have a hug?" (we'd hugged before her maternity leave & she offered one when I got into grad school, I just really wanted one this particular day), "I hate feeling like I need you," and also have asked for some twice a week sessions when I was having a rough time and had been calling her between our weekly sessions a couple times in distress.
With the hug/missing/like you stuff, she got a really big smile on her face, I think she feels flattered and finds it kind of endearing that I like her so much. With the hug request, she also answered positively but I don't remember if it was a "yes" or "of course" or "sure" or what. With the needy things, she validates my feelings and says they're very normal to have.
I like being able to ask her and tell her anything, even if it's hard, because I feel like it's very helpful (in a therapeutic way) to be honest with her. Plus, with the hug request, I got a hug out of it

Oh yeah, I also told her I was really happy that she was back in our first session after her maternity leave. She saw how excited I was and commented on it, so I told her exactly why. I was over the moon to have her back!

i know i didnt get a lot from the mother. this list is amazing some of it is totally me.i have seen that book on my kindle and was wondering how it was

thats the thing,i don't think those words could ever come out of my mouth. i know i must feel some of them but it makes me feel so ashamed and like i am all up in her face for feeling them.it is kind of confusing. this T is very different from any other T i have had.the ones in the past have been very behavior oriented.kind of like,what could you have done differently other then put your hands through the window to let others know what is going on ? it was more like showing me how to behave like something other then an animal.i ended up living with one counselor and that was a disaster.anyway not a lot of room for the mushy stuff.i wouldn't allow it.this t is different than all of them and i don't always know what to do with this.i can say here some of the things i wish but never to her.i feel she would be so repulsed by any form of attachment i may want and for some reason i care about that.i don't want her to go away.come to think of it i did ask her once if she wanted me to stop coming there(TO HER OFFICE)and she asked me if i meant coming to see HER and that is as close as i have ever come to talking about our relationship.there was the chair thing but i think that was more about punishment than our relationship and attachment and all.i guess i feel if she had any hint that i was getting attached,trusting,needing or anything of the sort.she would be gone lickidy split.out of there,and i don't want that .like i said for some reason i care. maybe so much i wont risk it.don't know if that is good either

I blurted out at the beginning of our last session that I was suffering from extreme transference. His reaction was a cold "oh". He didn't agree that it was trasference and admitted that if we had met outside the therapy relationship that it's quite possible we would make a good match. So my thoughts were not necessarily irrational. But he would never cross the line, even if therapy ended. He asked if I fantasized that he would swoop across the room and take me in his arms when I told him. I admitted that my fantasy was more about a conversation of mutual love. He told me he was committed to the therapy relationship which I said was not an option for me. He gave me the name of a new therapist and the last thing he said was to stop losing weight.

He sent me an email the next day indicating he spoke to the referral about me, something I knew because i had already reached her (easily found on google). When she indicated she had been contacted by my past T, I declined to see her. I wanted past T to be anonymous. In T's email he said "I hope you're feeling better". Feeling very ashamed of my reply's x 2:

I see you have sent me an email. I haven't read it and I won't. I was dismayed when I contacted Deborah and she knew about me.
I would prefer to keep your name anonimous please and thanks. I will now find another therapist.

and then the next day...

i am so sorry your T acted like this. do you have a new T? ifear the same kind of reaction.if T knows i may care about her or trust her or attached ,she will send me away .i feel this way with every part of me.

I don't think your therapist would send you away. Mine spent the better part of the session trying to convince me it was o.k. to stay, and me explaining why I couldn't. Since my feelings for him were so much a part of my agony, I felt addressing this week after week would only make it worse. My hope is time will heal (god that seems so hopeless right now).

So don't be afraid. Most therapists will welcome the challenge, but be prepared if your hope is they will confess the feelings are mutual. In my case, I left feeling he simply didn't care about me at any level.

Did she change your day though? That felt good didn't it, she responded?

When I get "found out" then I give up and confess all. I wore my wedding ring only on the day I saw T because I liked T's hand and how her wedding ring looked on her hand and wanted to be "like" that.

Someone at work commented they'd never seen me wear it and I almost said, "Oh, I only wear it on Fridays!" and that made me laugh hysterically (making the other person think I was even stranger than I am, since I had not said anything yet, just started laughing like a maniac :-) and I found the whole situation so amusing I told the coworker on the spot what was going on, what I had almost said, etc. and then told my T the entire story too and it was extremely freeing and the coworker and I laughed and T and I laughed and enjoyed it and sharing the moment.

the book is almost like a "Therapy for Dummies" I told my T that whereas therapy seems random (he said, "oh, does it?"), this book takes everything and organizes it (kind of like YOU do, granite!). The previous book I liked this much - where I actually bought extra copies and gave them to people, that did NOT go over well! - was a Self-Sabotage by Ann Katherine. But I do plan to buy a copy for T. Not that he doesn't KNOW this stuff, he IS doing it. And i'm not sure when is the right time for a patient to become aware of this stuff. I think you need to be open to it, not defend against it? But like T telling me he uses my "stupid stupid stupid" phrase. I think he told me that a few years too late. It's like a fish hook catching a dead fish. I'm numb now. It would have meant a lot to me a few years ago. or maybe i'm not letting it mean anything now. idk. I think he played it too safe for what I actually needed. then again, his job is not to gratify.

i miss you- i've told her i missed her after a period of absence
do you care for me? no, but she tell me she does care about me
can i have a hug? yes once but she offers them quite often
i like/love you - never! I have said i like spending time with her tho.
i need you- yes i think i prob have said that at some point
i think about you- no
do you think about me? no but she's told me she's been thinking about me, it feel nice.
do you want me to stay/leave? yes i always offer to not come back, she hasn't taken me up on the offer yet.
can i see you more often? Nope, but she suggested i come more often, which i agreed to.

Just had to add to this thread.
I've told my voice movement therapist probably all of the things you've listed. We talked about our relationship a lot. I'm grateful she was able to hold my strong feelings for her. She said she apreciated and was touched by my caring for her, and she hoped I felt the same. Of course I do! I'm lucky we have such a good connection.

I have told/asked my T all of things you listed. I guess I'm really needy.

I admire those who, feeling those things, are strong enough to say them to their Ts. I don't think I'd dare to do that.

So here are my responses:

i miss you - i said in an email that it felt strange to feel this way but that I needed to see him this week and that i missed him (but it hadn't been a week yet between sessions ) He asked if I wanted to talk about it in the next session and I said NO.. then he asked did I NEED to see him or WANT to see him. then i blurted out want because I don't need anyone. (my old thinking and I don't like the thought of needing anyone yet really found the fact that I said I wanted to see him shamefull) all he said was that it wasn't bad to WANT to come to therapy.

do you care for me? - no never
can i have a hug? - know the answer would be NO
i like/love you - no but I have told him that parts of me really do not like him.
i need you - I have said I needed to see him.
i think about you - no
do you think about me? - He said that he prays for his clients. I asked him once if that is just a nice thing he says or does he really pray for me. He says he does.
do you want me to stay/leave? - I've asked if he wanted me to not come back.
can i see you more often? - I have asked for a longer session.

Wow. And wow. This makes me realize what a quiet, shy - and cowardly - little bunny I am.

So ... do you feel that expressing these sentiments helped you? That getting them out there was better than keeping them inside, unsaid?

And what was his/her response to these statements?

wow just wondering if you had all these issues with your T how were you ever able to work on your issues that brought you to T in the first place.i'm sure these were none of the origional problems

I have been in therapy for 7 years

The favorite question I have asked my therapist is "what is your favorite color?"

She didn't answer me at first then said "You really want to know don't you?"

I'm sure I turned every shade of red possible, but meekly said "yes"

She then responded that "I always tell people that my favorite color is green, love all the shades of it" but that really brought up more questions than it answered but it also gave me a glimpse behind the curtain for just a moment.

Don't be so hard on yourself. First of all, my T is a very special woman in my opinion, in that she allowed enough room for all these feelings. Not all therapists provide that space for you, and so she is very much responsible for me expressing all of it (and I've been in therapy for probably 20 years with different therapists so I know how much variety there is).
Second, the more embarrassing things were expressed through writing. I can't imagine looking T in the eye while telling her some of it.
Did it help? You betcha. It helped in that I felt a load taken off my shoulders, but more importantly, we looked together at those fantasies and wishes and feelings and tried to understand them. We found out what it means for me to love her, what it means to want to be loved by her, what kind of sexual fantasies I have about her, what it would mean for me to see her coming, etc. My T is very courageous in that she is willing to make herself vulnerable and doesn't even flinch when she talks about my fantasies about her. I know that I am very courageous and honest too, and I feel so lucky to have someone who is on par with me.
We learned a lot about me from my fantasies, and if I wasn't expressing them, we would never have had the chance to examine them together and learn from it.
So based on that experience, and as a therapist myself, I encourage you to express as many as your fantasies as you can tolerate, bring yourself fully into the relationship, so you can actually work on it.

Wow, i found that difficult to read never mind contemplate speaking about, you are so brave as is your T. Well done! I can't even bring up anything to do with sex with mine....