Dont answer that phone!

tonight was our once every 2 weeks session and we went there prepared to delve into a very deep,desperately painful new memory we had. we had written about it and it has been eating away for close to 2 weeks. so after the usual pleasantries and showing pictures of our newest kitty,emma,she asked if we wanted to talk about it. having already made up our minds to do it,we took a deep breath and began. it was slow going but we were struggling through anyway. and then it happened......

just as we were moving towards maybe *the* most painful part,we hear her say "hold on one second please"-her phone rang and she stopped us to answer it! and it turned out to be absolutely nothing important that couldnt have waited! maybe we shouldnt have had the reaction we did but this absolutely detroyed it. we froze and completely dissociated and it took a good 20 minutes to come back. but her answering the phone to talk about feeding her horse-her horse!!!-was crushing dont these counselors realize how inconsiderate that is??? we understand if it was an emergencey but clearly it was not! and try as hard as we could the rest of the time was ruined. we just couldnt get back on track. so now we sit with an awful,terribly painful unresolved memory and spiraling deeper into the depression we went in there with already. and we dont go back for another 2 weeks. we really can use some support tonight. we feel awful

That's awful, Trinity. I don't know if I actually typed a message to you or not, but I have thought repeatedly that you need a different therapist. Someone warmer and kinder. Now, definitely, definitely need someone who doesn't answer the phone in session. That is SO unprofessional.

that really is inexcusable. my T's phone rings or txts pretty predictably at the beginning and end of sessions, but he would never tell me to "hold on" - he is always focused on me. unless he says at the beginning of the hour that something unusual has been going on, which is maybe once a year.

just taking a call like that, is NOT how it was in the old days. I am just shocked. I am hurt for you. a freakin comedian gets more respect from a roomful of fratboys. honestly, I have gone out to the waiting room when T's have taken phone calls. I tell them, "I'll be in the waiting room, come get me when you're done" and that's that. They try to wave at you to sit back done, but eff them, pardon my french. They usually don't want the other person to know they took a call in session! Current T at least had the grace to go out to the waiting room himself, tho that's not necessarily better - you could take a pee break while they're yakking. They don't usually do it again, once they see the wrath of hank.

we already sent her an email saying as much,how it was unprofessional and hurt us and ruined the session. just so not doing good *cries*

(((TrinityDancer))) she owes you a session, imo

she sees us for free so guess she doesnt owe us anything

((((Trinity)))) Oh no! That is awful. I am so sorry that happened! I would have been crushed. Isnt it part of T101 that you DO NOT do that!

Please know you are not alone. I can totally relate. I had a T once that I was seeing as part of my Pdoc's practice and she was eating her dinner AND writing other patients notes while I was sitting there right in front of her
I felt horrible. Like you I wanted to give her the benefit...it was 7 and she may have been starving. But the other part...unprofessional and I felt completely ... unimportant and disrespected.

I dont want to speak disparagingly about your T because you made it this far together but ...on the other hand that was totally horrible unprofessional thing to do to you.

How long have you been seeing this T? Is she part of a practice? Does she have a supervisor? How comfortable are you now with her? Do you trust her enough to continue seeing her. And after you've had a chance to process what you are feeling talk to her about it and move forward?

If not and if she is part of a group, can you report the incident with her supervisor and request to see someone else? I told my pdoc what happened and he put me with someone else immediately.

I hope you will keep posting and sharing your feelings here while you are sorting things out.

Hugs to you
Rose

I once had a T take a call and it was like 10 minutes and I was sitting there feeling lost. I never went back. But that is me. I am sorry you had to experience that. You deserve the time allotted for you.

You deserve and she owes you her respect and attention regardless of whether you pay or not.

TD - I am sorry you are dealing with this. Sometimes my T's phone vibrates on her desk and even that can break the flow of a session. I can't imagine t actually taking a call. I hope your t acknowledges your feelings and how inappropriate her behavior was.

she finally did shut it completely off after but the damage had already been done. we are probably overreacting but we cant help it

I didnt even need to attend T101 to know that picking up a phone during session in unacceptable. Im feel bad that your session was ruined as I know the anticipation you had. I think now more than ever you need to continue thr search for a new T.

I'm with the rest, unprofessional. I'm sorry that happened but remember its not a reflection of you it's a reflection of T. You are important and that was rude. I hope T apologizes minimally.

Trinity...you are not overreacting. I would be very upset if my T took a call during session; doubly upset if it was about one of her dogs (she doesn't have horses). Only twice has my T's phone beeped in session for a text and she has gone absolutely ballistic apologizing for forgetting to put it on silent, even though the phone ringing or beeping on occasion doesn't bother me; just as long as she doesn't answer it. My own phone going off during session on vibrate bothers me more (T looks at me and tells me "don't even look at it, keep going").

One time in 1.25 years with her, she told me she was expecting a call from her oncologist (the doctor himself, not his office) and that she had to take it even if it came during session. She asked me if I was okay with that. I said it was fine because, one, I could tell it was very important to her, and two, she asked me if I was okay with it. He didn't call during my session anyway, so it was a moot point. I can concede on some things.

Trinity, I'm going to echo MKAC and others that you need a new T. One that treats you with the respect you deserve and can see you more often. I know it might not be easy, but it would be the best thing for you.

thank you so much everyone.♥ somehow we felt guilty for being so upset but now not so much. here is the email we sent her a little while ago:

i went around and around on the trip home trying to decide if i should tell you this but i finally decided i had to. while i realize you are a counselor and emergencies occur and sometimes the phone will ring,tonight you answering it destroyed what i was trying to work towards. i know you didnt plan for it but you didnt have to answer did you? i was working my way into *finally* sharing something desperately painful in spoken rather than written words and that ruined it. there was just no way i could go back and pick it up after that. i have no control over your choice/need to answer but it made me angry. and hurt me as well. and now i have to sit with this for another 2 weeks or so. i am just stating my facts and if you could,in the future,please dont answer your phone unless its really important? i fully realize you may or may not meet that need but i had to ask anyway. i am falling fast into a bad black place-and no,its not just because of that. im sorry i wasnt fun or entertaining tonight. im not doing well at all.

Trinity, that is a great email to send t, states the facts and you asked for what you wanted.

i don't think you should apologize for not being entertaining or fun. therapy isn't always these things.

i would be very hurt if t answered phone in session. he has never done that. he is strict in his boundaries. some good, some not so good. this is one i like.

sending some safe hugs..

I completely agree! That, too!
Hugs, Rose

maybe we arent so insane for being upset about this then?

Nope definately not. I would have done a much more dramatic blowing up in session, some evil staring, maybe some rude words, might have even gotten up. Your reaction seems proportion to the events.

TD you get your butt on the phone and talk to her supervisior and insist you get another appointment now. Don't put up with that bs. I would be so pissed!

I'd slap her. That's unbelievable- who does she think she is: FEEDING A HORSE can't wait 50 min?
Did she apologize after recognising the impact it had on you? Did you tell her?
Sorry if that's been answered here- read your post and it made me so angry that I need to vent....

OK I've read: Trinity you are NOT overreacting- regardless of her seeing you for free she still needs to behave like a normal T (decent human being in this case) The mail you've send was great (mine would be just bursts of anger)
Hope you let us know her response.

we keep trying to let it slide and tell ourselves it was no big deal,suck it up and move on-but its not working. yes,she did apologize but that doesnt change anything. we are hoping she replies tomorrow. our search for a new counselor continues but its like banging our heads against a wall. we will let you know if and when she replies. thanks so much everyone♥

Trinity, I'm absolutely appalled that this happened to you. It really, really sucks, and you did not need or deserve this. And you're definitely not overreacting. I hope you can work through this with her so you feel better. That was a great email.

I'm with the others - your T behaved unprofessionally by answering the phone. It gives the opposite message to what therapy is supposed to be about - which is providing safety, consistency and space. That time was yours and it was wrong of T to attend to something else.

It happened to me once with first T and I had much the same reaction as you. The difference was I was unable to tell her (I just shut down) so I admire you for stating your feelings and needs in an email. If she won't meet them you have every right to a T who does. I didn't pay for my first or former T but they still provide a service and we deserve their time, otherwise it can't be called therapy. Normally they are still bound by ethics whether they are receiving payment from particular clients or not.

My current T would never answer the phone during session. It occasionally rings which puts me on edge, but T always ignores it. The first time it happened I went sulky and said 'Well, aren't you going to answer that?' and she said calmly 'No, it's your time.'

That's how it should be. I hope your T sees that too. Otherwise perhaps another T would suit you better.

My t turns off his phone; he would never do that. I am so sorry; that is unprofessional; obviously she isn't trained right, or doesn't care...Hugs

Shame on HER; she should know better