It had been a few weeks, but I got to see T today which was nice. It was an interesting session. We talked a great deal about redefining our relationship. As I told him, things have changed over the last few months. For years I relied on him to just get me through, but I really don't need him that way anymore. I've come to be able to do that for myself. "So what do I need from him now?" he asks. Good question. That's kind of where we are.

I'm very stable and have been for some time now. He asked me how I feel about that. I told him my gut tells me I'm going to be fine, but I still distrust my stability to stay stable (if that makes any sense). He said he really thinks I'm going to be fine also; something is very different this time, more secure. I'm not carrying around all that old stuff anymore like I used to he says, and he's right. That old stuff really has just become old stuff to me now. I don't have much interest in it, it almost never comes up for me, and when it does I can look at it pretty objectively, briefly and let it go. I don't dwell on it anymore. Huge difference. It no longer runs my life.

Currently I'm unmedicated for the first time in over 7 years (due to circumstances not particularly under my control), and so far things are fine. I do have my meds now (as of yesterday) but I may hold off a bit and see how things pan out. My pdoc has said much of my depression (not all of it but much of it) was PTSD related while a significant portion is bipolar related, but I've made so much progress now along the PTSD lines that perhaps things are different for me medically. We'll see. I'll keep a watchful eye. My T said he wasn't even going to give me his usual lecture about my needing to stay on my meds right now because he sees me as so different from where I used to be. He had to admit; even he trusts my ability to stay stable and/or handle the mood fluctuations when they come in a way that he never has before.

We had a lively discussion/debate about mindfulness. It will be ongoing I suspect. We don't see eye to eye on this. We'll keep talking.

I won't see him for another almost two weeksish since next week is the 4th of July and on Thursday I finally have all my testing done, so I just pushed our appointments into the week after. I'm on summer vacation; I like to keep my appointment schedule loose. Gotta have time to sit by the pool and bask in the sun.

I told T that in the last few weeks I have finally picked up my Bible and started studying again. I haven't touched it since before my sister died. He said that was very significant. I think so too. Maybe I'm headed back in the right direction and regaining that sense of peace that was lost in all the turmoil and grief.

Well, I'm going to try to head back to bed. I had gone to bed really early this evening; just couldn't keep my eyes open. So of course, I woke up at one in the morning wide awake. Always happens. But Scott and I are headed to a water exercise class in the morning, so I need to get some rest. Nighty-night.

you are an inspiration to us,to read how far you have come,gives us hope that one day maybe we can get there too. thanks for sharing♥

[SoupDragon]

That is great news that you are doing so well right now. Thanks for sharing the good stuff - Soup

[WikidPissah]

Very cool Chris, thanks so much for sharing. I understand putting your bible aside for a bit. I did that when my daughter first got ill, it feels good when you pick it back up.

[healed84]

Chris, I am so glad that you are in such a great spot!! I am so glad that you picked your Bible back up again. You for sure are a great inspiration to us around here!

Chris, thanks for sharing. It is really helpful and inspirational to think that if we deal with the underlying issues that some of our symptoms that show up today diminish. That is surely my desire...so your sharing has motivated me to keep working. Thanks

You all are sweet. I'm not so sure how I feel about being an "inspiration", but yeah, it really has gotten better over time, but dang it has been a LONG time.

Didn't wake up in time to swim this morning. I don't think it was for lack of Scott trying to wake me up though; I just could not get the juices flowing.

[Asiablue]

It's so lovely to "hear" of someone doing so well and finally therapy really having an impact. It's a great reminder of where i want to get to some day.

This is wonderful to read.

[sunrise]

Thanks for posting. So good to hear about your sense of being stably stable. And of picking up your bible again. And having resolved depression by working on your PTSD. All so positive! Thank you. Yes, definitely inspirational.

What testing are you doing?

I am curious about your thoughts on mindfulness.

I have a breast lump that needs diagnosing. Doc has sent me for mammogram and sonogram on Thursday to get things started. It's bound to be a cyst (one HUGE, badass, painful, cyst), but with my history of both sisters having had breast cancer it is a wee bit stressful. Just tell me it's a cyst already, take the thing out (yes, it is so big they are absolutely going to have to do something with it), and let me move on with my normally pliable, fairly symmetrical boobs).

I just posted about my views on mindfulness on somebody else's thread. Must be the current therapy trend. Seems to be coming up on a lot of different peoples' posts lately.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I
We had a lively discussion/debate about mindfulness. It will be ongoing I suspect. We don't see eye to eye on this. We'll keep talking.

I have had a somewhat similar experience with PTSD symptoms and emotional stability-- although for me my biggest issue was not so much affective but just reactive to people and things in my environment. In the past year I have also dug into the trauma issues very deeply and my symptoms (mostly dissociative) have almost entirely gone away. I just had this instinct that I needed to talk about really tough details and how remnants of these experiences were still floating around my daily life, and to disclose a trauma I've never talked about before to previous T's.

For me mindfulness is not so much about exercises but noticing when I am fully present (and usually fully enjoying) what is going on in my life at the moment. I "practice" mindfulness in my daily life, I am not so into the official exercises. I guess I "see" you through your posts as a mindful person, and what I mean by that is that you seem pretty grounded and self aware about what is going on with you. You know the things that get you into trouble, you work hard on them. You seem like you are very present in your life (I think you said, either here or somewhere else, that your dissociation is much less than it used to be). Maybe you don't like reading about mindfulness per se, and might enjoy something that is more theoretical and not let's do this mindfulness exercise.

Has your T recommended any Pema Chodron books to you? For some reason I think that these might be a good vehicle for you.

Haven't heard of that author. Thanks for the suggestion.

[bluemountains]

Thanks for sharing, Chris. Your progress gives me hope. A few months ago, I wondered if there would ever be a peaceful feeling again, but slowly I am feeling the peace creep back. Your journey helps to remind me that stability is achievable.
Bluemountains

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I'm not carrying around all that old stuff anymore like I used to he says, and he's right. That old stuff really has just become old stuff to me now.

YES!!!!

This is very much where I am at, and it's such a relief. There are triggers, still, but they're very different...and I can find my way through them. I feel like I've told "enough" of the story...someone knows, and I'm okay. It's not this big burden that I have to run away from and hide and avoid. The memories come and I let them go. 100% different than how all of that was before therapy.

I do think that at that point, there is a significant shift in the therapy relationship. For me, now that I'm done (or kind of done) with therapy, I see what other areas need work. Right now, I'm realizing that the biggest thing I need to work on is being able to hold on to the fact that love continues and is reliable. I may see T once a month for a while just to experience that. I'm sure other things will come up too...and I'm also sure that I've learned the tools to deal with most of what I have to deal with.

It's so great that you're at this point. I hope that the cyst ends up being nothing, and that you get to enjoy a summer full of space and peace You've certainly earned it
to you!

[AngelWolf3]

I am glad you are doing so well with your progress! And yes, picking up the Bible, very significant! I am glad you were able to do that. Please let us know how your sonogram goes, and keeping my fingers crossed that it is a cyst! Let us know!!!