What to do about mom?

I'm so sorry you're getting this crap, Wikid. I understand that your mother has problems of her own, but there are some things that nobody should ever say to anybody else, much less to her own daughter.

Wikid, I'm sorry this is the response you got. The one you should've gotten-- the one you'll have to give yourself--is something along the lines of "I hate to hear you are suffering so much. If this will help you manage the pain, then I am so glad you are going. Focus on YOU right now, because you need to put our health and safety first. Your well-being matters most."

I write in my journal sometimes the responses that I SHOULD be hearing. If she isn't going to give it to me, I can still give it to myself, you know?

I'm thinking compassionate thoughts for you.

That's really hard. Can you think of it at all in a funny light? I still remember when my stepmother, about that age but senile called me because she couldn't find one of her shoes. The funny part? I knew exactly where it was (from location 30 minutes across town and visualized on the phone :-)

Take her as a force of nature, the "weather" instead of personally. She's not thinking of you personally, obviously, she's just trying to manipulate things her way with not a very good skill set.

You know pretty much what is going to happen. Try to start doing a little chuckling now; maybe make a list of things that will go wrong, difficulties/uglinesses that will ensue, assign points and see how many you can rack up? I remember a speaker who had the missed flight, the lost suitcases, the wrong this and that and there just got to be so reliably many she and her companions/hosts ended up laughing hysterically because just when they'd be sure nothing else could go wrong, something would, like clockwork. They started to get curious as to what the next thing would be and could relax in knowing it was not about them or anything they were doing and would pass in time and get resolved.

Think of how you will think back on this on August 27th It's unpleasant/uncomfortable now but doing your own work now can make up for it? So it's raining on your wedding day; you're still getting married, that's the point not the day/weather?

Sorry about your dad, that must be hard. I dread my mother getting to the point that I have to full time caregive.

thanks apt. Hopefully I won't pass this thing on. I hope to always treat my daughter with the love and respect she deserves.
skeksi...that means so much to me. That's what I am going to pretend she says
YES...that I can do. I am always texting things to my brother, like "she is hanging from a cliff and I'm about to boot her off"

I went away for a weekend last month with H, and my brother picked her up to take her out for a bit. She made him drive by my house THREE times, "I can't imagine why she had to go the entire weekend" It was quite funny.

Ugh. I hope you're able to get a good plan together of how to handle your mom for when you do go.

I have found that in dealing with those types of people....eg. my ex-friend....it's a lot easier to handle when I realize it's their stuff, their illness, their lack of self-awareness, their self-centeredness...and not anything that I have done. It's still painful to hear those things and not be able to 'change their mind'. Focusing on setting limits, enforcing those limits and owning only what's mine has helped tremendously.

I hope you are able to focus on caring for YOU and not letting your mom's manipulative behavior to steer you off course. ((( HUGS )))

thanks MUE. It is really hard to set limits with her now. She has done this for years, and I have let her. Now it is the last decade of her life (most likely) and she does need more care then ever before. I mean, heck, she's a little old lady not the devil incarnate (at least that's what I am trying to tell myself).

My daughter (22) came home this afternoon and told me not to worry. She said she would pop in on weeknights and give her grandmother some love and attention. This is really good, she has been a good grandmother, and I don't think she'll give my daughter too much trouble.

i'm glad your daughter is going to help you. hopefully that will take some of the pressure off!

I would just say she has to call one of her other kids, full stop. I had a difficult relationship with my parents and it got to the point when I just put me first - I am sure they think I am hard and callous, but what the heck, this is my life and I have some rights too. If your mum can use a phone to call you, she can use it to call a whole bunch of people - if it ever were a real emergency then you'd only end up having to call ER yourself, so if your mum can call you, she can call them.

Since my stepmother died (2001), I have learned a great deal about myself and our interaction, etc. My T said things/I would change after she died. Looking back on dealing with her as she was growing senile (we had to take her car away from her and she called my stepsister and myself constantly to complain, "My friends are X age and they still drive!") the things that stick out for me are the times my husband supported me and told me how well I was doing dealing with her/talking to her on the phone; we'd get in a fight and she'd hang up on me, call back not 5 minutes later and start the conversation all over again, forgetting we'd had it already but giving me a chance to say the "right" thing to avoid the argument!

It was wonderful and very very helpful to me understanding about communication and how what we say influences outcomes, etc. I remember the little sweet moments too; I had to take her to an early doctor's appointment for testing and brought along homemade muffins and little containers of milk and we had "breakfast" in the car like we were 4 years old or something, she was very appreciative and I felt very warm and caring/competent and it reminded me of a couple similar times growing up when she had done little things for me like that that I had not realized at the time because of my age/maturity level.

Yes, there were a lot of problems with how I was raised but there were some good things in there too, no relationship is all one way. There's learning about how competent and "good" I am, humorous moments -- the car taking away complaints reminded me of being 6 when I would complain that my girlfriend's mother let her do X (why couldn't I?) and she'd reply, "Then go and see if Mrs. Heinsheimer won't adopt you!" I wanted to say the same things about her friends still being able to drive when they were 87 to her "only" 83 :-) and I'll never forget knowing where her shoe was "hiding" in her apartment across town and telling her on the phone. It made me realize how good my sight memory really was and how very "involved" I was (hyperalert? :-) with my stepmother.

thanks kiki, soup and perna.

Unfortunately there are no sweet car rides in my memory. It was a horrendous cycle of abuse and neglect. Not eating for days, never being clean...and some really bad unspeakable crap.

I feel for you Wiki. I don't have anything to add to this thread, as I am still trying to learn how to navigate my way through the same problems within my family.

Puts you in a very hard situation. I often think about what I would do if my parent were abusive to me while growing up. I don't think I would be so ready & willing to be their caretaker. I give you a LOT of credit.