[nervous puppy]

Warning: I need to purge, this could be long, and it could have triggers.
I just don’t know how to process these emotions, these thoughts, or anything.
Here's the story: I signed a release with my new T to get information from my ex-T. They know each other and even work in the same building but on different floors. I don’t know what the nature or extent of their relationship is, but I do know that they are not friends or buddies (yeah, I checked both of their facebook friends lists). I’m guessing they are just colleagues, but I’ve never asked the new T and I’m not sure I can? Anyway, I told new T about a note I wrote quite a few years ago to ex-T about childhood trauma (specific details of SA). I wasn’t able to say the words so I wrote it all down (purge form) everything I could remember. It was several pages long. I remembered how I felt when I was writing it all down and I do NOT want to revisit that feeling again! So I told new T about the document and that ex-T had the only copy. She contacted ex-T to get it. 1 week later, new T still hasn’t heard from her. I decide that maybe I can call since I know specifically what the document is. New T only knows it was about CSA. I call and left a voice mail on ex-T’s office phone. In the past, I always got a phone call the day she got the message. I know I’m no longer her client, but she told me I could call her anytime I needed anything. She told both new T and me that the “door was still open” if I wanted to see her. So I FULLY expected to hear from her by Wed this week if not sooner. I’ve heard nothing.
How am I supposed to process this? I don’t understand what’s going on. If she doesn’t have it, SAY SO! I even said in my voice message that I didn’t know if she even kept it or if she even still has my file, so I feel like I gave her an out if she needs it. But to ignore both me and my new T is wrong! Isn’t it? Or am I out of line? I know my thoughts get away from me, but this makes me feel like she is SO DONE with me and it was all a big lie! She never cared one bit, not ever. Or I’m not worth the time, or a thousand other reasons that are probably not true, but swirl through my head anyway.
I don’t even want to continue with any therapy. **** therapy, and the horse it rode in on.
I know that ex-T is going through chemo, but she’s still working at the same time. I know that for sure because as I sit in new-T’s office and look out her window (first floor), I can see ex-T’s car. Unfortunately, I can stare right at it while talking to new T. Probably not a good thing, is it?
I want to scream. I want to hit something. I want to call ex-T and cuss her out. I want to peel my skin off and crawl out of myself. I will do none of those things.
My stomach is in knots, I’m shaking and at a loss of what to do. My focus at work keeps getting lost in this whole stupid thing. I wish I could just forget it and pretend nothing happened.
On top of this, my Mother calls and wants to go to lunch. (She’s very judgmental and I never tell her anything). I’m always nervous around her, but she’s getting up there in years (82) so I play dutiful daughter. I’m just very uncomfortable being around her when I’m in emotional turmoil.
If I can hang on two more days…I have an appt with new T. Although part of me wants to cancel. I’m on a see-saw.
Sorry this was so long. Thanks for letting me vent.

[precaryous]

Hi Nervous Puppy,

I would give it more time. I have worked for doctors and have been the medical assistant that had to find and copy patient's records. Unfortunately, it can take a while.

I don't know how they do it anymore but back in "dinosaur days" (before computers and fax) we had to take the message off the voicemail, find the chart, put message and chart on doc's desk. Next, Doc would have to find time to look at message, indicate which pages of chart Doc wants copied or sent...then that would wind back on my desk among other such requests for copying and mailing.

Since your old T is also battling cancer, you say?...This entire process might, indeed, take longer. I'm sorry they haven't responded in a more timely fashion.

Hope this helps.
Pre

[ThisWayOut]

Sounds like you are going through a lot right now not only with current t stuff, but also ex-t and mom... any one of those would be enough to throw me for a loop, forget putting them all together.
One thing to think about, since ex-t is going through chemo right now, maybe she's not all on her game at the moment. She may just be handling the very basics. It may take her much longer than usual to get things together. chemo is excruciatingly grueling... I'm surprised she is in at all, but kudos to her for trying...
I'm not sure I remember how it ended witth you and ex-t (if it was just the fact that the cancer would make her less reliable, or if you guys ended for other reasons), but I would hazard that seeing her car through the window during current sessions would be a bit destabilizing. Even if you ended on a positive note, I could imagine myself wondering how T ws doing, was she being effective, does she think of me, maybe even a bit bitter that I have to start all over again with a new T when she's right there... is there a way maybe T could draw the shades or something? It might make being more present in session a bit easier.
Also, if it's been at least a week, and you and new T really need to get moving on dealing with the SA stuff you wrote about, could you give ex-t another call? Maybe ask if she's had the time to find it, and convey to her your urgency in getting the info to new T if it's somethign really pressing.
Is there anyway to make lunch with your mother more bearable? Maybe take someone else along with you? or dominate the conversation with talk of the weather, the superbowl, global warming, anything to keep her from being too focused on being judgemental? It's also ok to tell her somethign came up, and you are no longer available for lunch at the moment. Maybe re-schedule for a later time when you feel a bit more stable? Even if she is getting older, you shouldn't have to subject yourself to being that uncomfortable when you are already spiraling. There's no hard and fast rule saying we owe anyone anything. They may make us feel like crap for putting ourselves first, but you have every right to do so.
Hang in there for the appointment with new T, try not to cancel. It sounds liek you can use all the support you can get at the moment. New T may turn out to be really good for that.

hang in there. And vent anytime.

[nervous puppy]

I know I let my thoughts run away from me and then I just get all worked up over nothing. I do feel bad abot ex-t having to go thru chemo. I know chemo can be brutal on both body and mind. I need to stop having such high expectations (hopes?).
It's so dang hard to keep my thoughts and emotions in check...ugh!

Thanks precaryous and ThisWayOut...thanks for your encouraging words and support!

[ThisWayOut]

sometimes it's easy to get lost on a runaway train of thought. I know I certainly go there myself often.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

I know I let my thoughts run away from me and then I just get all worked up over nothing. I do feel bad abot ex-t having to go thru chemo. I know chemo can be brutal on both body and mind. I need to stop having such high expectations (hopes?).
It's so dang hard to keep my thoughts and emotions in check...ugh!

Thanks precaryous and ThisWayOut...thanks for your encouraging words and support!

You know there is something you might want to consider- if your old T has an office manager, you can talk to him/her and ask what is the status of your request. Maybe that will give you the reassurance that something is being done..and it may give you a timetable for when you may expect your new T to receive those records.

You are going through a time of upheaval- thinking, remembering bad times. It would work up most people.

[guilloche]

Nervous Puppy - just wanted to say that I can really identify. I emailed old T back in July when I started seeing new T (I haven't seen old T in 7 years, but she said I could contact her, etc.) for a copy of an important consultation report that I thought she might have.

Nothing. Quiet. No response. It was a little bit heartbreaking.

I emailed her again recently (I actually forwarded the old email, and mentioned that I wasn't sure if she had gotten it or not). I know she has problems with email sometimes, and it turns out she didn't get the message. So, she just sent the report... so it worked out, eventually. But I had to "ping" her when I didn't hear anything.

It may be that old T has to look for the file, and doesn't want to reply until she knows for sure if she has it. Or it might be that the chemo is making her a bit tired and forgetful. I believe that by law therapists have to keep your file for a certain amount of time after you stop seeing them, but I don't know the details. Still, if you've seen her fairly recently, it's a safe bet that she's kept your file... unless something crazy like a flood/fire destroyed everything (which you'd probably know, since you're getting therapy in the same building!).

Hang in there.... try not to let yourself come up with too many possible negative interpretations... remind yourself that you don't know what's going on with this T right now, and until you hear something back, you can't really *know*.

I hope she gets back in touch with you or your T soon though! Waiting can be torturous!

[nervous puppy]

Well, I finally got the nerve to call back today, to my old T to see if she was in and if she got my message.
I didn't get the information I was hoping for. Her receptionist answered the phone and I could hear something in her voice...
T had been in the hospital and was going to be able to go home today, but T is not going to return to work. This is because of her chemo and the cancer. I'm so heartbroken!! She really didn't want to give up working and planned to work as long as she possibly could. I just know she thought she'd be around a lot longer.

After I got off the phone with her receptionist, I just sat in the bathroom at work and cried my eyes out. I really wanted to talk to her just one more time. Now I never will.
I hurt just thinking about how bad she must be feeling. I wonder how sick is she, how much longer does she have? Can't stop crying, but I'm at work and can't let anyone know...

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't know if will help, but maybe you can write a card and/or get a small gift and ask her receptionist to send it to her?

And include your contact information. Maybe your T might reach out to you.

[nervous puppy]

I like that idea...thank you!

[nervous puppy]

I went to ex-T's office to sign the release to get the document I wanted. The secretary photocopied it for me. She said everyone at the clinic is really upset. I guess that's a strange thought from this side of the fence...a clinic full of Psychiatrists, Psychologists, and Masters degree therapists, and they are all depressed.
I didn't press her for more information because I could see she was hurting and I didn't want both of us to start crying. I couldn't anyway. The minute I try to talk about it I'm crying.
Yesterday, when I got the news, I was able to call new T and left a message. As I was leaving the message I thought, well, I see her next week and there's nothing she can do so I guess she doesn't need to call me back. I ended the message and said I'd talk to her later and didn't leave my contact number. She called back anyway!! I was VERY happy she did and had an opening the next day. It worked out perfect because I was able to get the info from the file from old T on the 3rd floor and then meet with new T on the 1st floor immediately afterward.
As much as losing my old T this way is hard, I know that moving forward and my new T (that she recommended) is better.
Still, I'd like to know when the hurting will stop, and the crying too. I am so tired of crying!! I miss her so so much.

If I could
See your face one more time
Hear your voice one more time
See your smile one more time
Hear your laugh one more time
See your eyes shining one more time
Hear your words of encouragement one more time
If I could only have just one more time