Session Notes

WikidPissah · Jul 17, 2012, 03:22 PM

T was on time today. Wonders never cease.

I was pretty shaky when I walked in. I read the Fat Lady thread shortly before going and I felt huge and icky and repulsive. As I walked into the office I was uber conscious of Yalom’s description of a fat woman walking into his office. I was afraid I would take up too much of the chair. T is a little guy, very muscular but definitely a lot smaller then I am.

First off he asked about the oncologist, and I ended up calling and making an appointment right there from his office. It took all of about 5 minutes, but I have an appointment now.

We talked about a big presentation I did last week, and how I succeeded. He mentioned again how different I am off of medication. (um, yea, I’m awake for one!) I talked a lot about my ever increasing anxiety and lack of self-confidence. I expressed my frustration about my inability to control my body (the sweating, the stuttering, and the hand wringing). I did control my “tapping” thing just for him. Lol. I haven’t been trying to control it any other time though. (normal people can’t tell that I am tapping, so why is it bad?)

I talked a lot. I ranted and vented about mother. Finally I brought up my weight issues and how difficult that is for me. We talked about diet and exercise, and I told him what I eat and how it doesn’t really regulate my weight very well. (My weight fluctuates up and down by about 50lbs, I am in the middle of that right now.) After a long conversation he told me that when I went residential he wanted me to get an eating disorder evaluation. That pissed me off, and I said “haven’t you heard what I’ve just told you, I eat really healthy”. He said I have “food issues” and my obsession with diet isn’t normal. Arg.

He does think I am huge and repulsive. Feeling pretty much like crap now, I should have never brought up my size.

It was all good other then that part.

Mike_J · Jul 17, 2012, 03:30 PM

You don't know what he really thinks.

And an evaluation could give you something to show him that would allow him to move onto other subjects.

Jul 17, 2012, 03:50 PM

Wiki-please try not to assume what he thinks...

The evaluation will give you and him an answer. My weight fluctuates a lot as well. As long as your eating healthy-its okay. a thinner person does not mean they are healthy. They could eat loads of crap-in which case they are unhealthy. A person with more weight on them does not mean they are unhealthy. There was a whole 20/20 show with Barbara Walters about this subject years ago. Look at it this way: You weren't going residential for an evaluation on eating disorders, but since you will already be there, you may as well get it done just so your T will shut his trap about it!

kiki86 · Jul 17, 2012, 04:02 PM

you know he didn't say that! disordered eating doesn't equate to weight. i think you know all of that too. it doesn't mean he thinks you're repulsive, it just means he thinks you have issues about food.

WikidPissah · Jul 17, 2012, 04:14 PM

I guess what concerned him was that I talked about precise things, like 8 blackberries or 5 square inches of tofu. Whatever...I'm a cpa, I am precise. sheesh. I do square roots in my head when I'm anxious for crying out loud.

Sannah · Jul 17, 2012, 05:02 PM

Is this the most that you have ever talked in session Wiki? I'm sure that I'm remembering you correctly. If I'm correct, this is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mcl6136 · Jul 17, 2012, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I guess what concerned him was that I talked about precise things, like 8 blackberries or 5 square inches of tofu. Whatever...I'm a cpa, I am precise. sheesh. I do square roots in my head when I'm anxious for crying out loud.

If this is the way you see the food (and more of the world, maybe) then why is that so problematic?

If you do square roots in your head, and if you were walking down a sidewalk and calculating how many yards of concrete, then I wouldn't necessarily say you have a "pavement disorder,"

WikidPissah · Jul 17, 2012, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Is this the most that you have ever talked in session Wiki? I'm sure that I'm remembering you correctly. If I'm correct, this is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes Sannah, it probably is. lol. It seems I am quite chatty without the numbing effects of medication. It wasn't all that much talking, it's a lot of starts and restarts and stutters and sighs, but I'm getting there.

stopdog · Jul 17, 2012, 05:22 PM

Do you really want to keep seeing this guy? I know you have to in order to get into the program -but when you get out? He was against you on the med issue and now he is sort of insisting on this ed thing. Do you want to have a guy who is always fighting what you tell him and who does not listen to you?

WikidPissah · Jul 17, 2012, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcl6136

If this is the way you see the food (and more of the world, maybe) then why is that so problematic?

If you do square roots in your head, and if you were walking down a sidewalk and calculating how many yards of concrete, then I wouldn't necessarily say you have a "pavement disorder,"

well exactly. Except the pavement isn't obese.

WikidPissah · Jul 17, 2012, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Do you really want to keep seeing this guy? I know you have to in order to get into the program -but when you get out? He was against you on the med issue and now he is sort of insisting on this ed thing. Do you want to have a guy who is always fighting what you tell him and who does not listen to you?

I am not certain about staying with him at all. I mean he has helped a great deal, but he is quite stubborn about things. In the program I will meet with a therapist daily, and I want to evaluate current t with her. There is also this pdoc there who taught at Alpert Medical School (Brown), and I am hoping to get her input as well.

granite1 · Jul 17, 2012, 07:10 PM

wiki you are doing awsome

Jul 17, 2012, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I am not certain about staying with him at all. I mean he has helped a great deal, but he is quite stubborn about things. In the program I will meet with a therapist daily, and I want to evaluate current t with her. There is also this pdoc there who taught at Alpert Medical School (Brown), and I am hoping to get her input as well.

I am so happy for you, I hope that the program turns out to be a great experience for you. As far as the ED goes, if you don't have a problem then they won't see a problem. The only thing they will Notice is your a lot more aware of what you put into your body then most and that's NOT a bad thing.

ie...kale chips, vegetable juice, wheat grass..

anilam · Jul 18, 2012, 06:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I guess what concerned him was that I talked about precise things, like 8 blackberries or 5 square inches of tofu. Whatever...I'm a cpa, I am precise. sheesh. I do square roots in my head when I'm anxious for crying out loud.

It does sound a bit on a weird side- 8 blackberries? As a snack or what? Or it just mean that you know exactly (to the last berry) what you're eating?

The 50 lbs weight fluctuation ARE important. They could be caused by eating habits (there goes the ED) and/or health problems, stress, medication...But they are unhealthy for your body and need to be dealt with. As much as I agree that the overweight person could be much more healthier than a thin person (actually some doctors agree that being slightly overweight is better for your body than being slightly underweight), weight fluctuations are causing great stress on your whole body (heart, joints...). So I would look into the reasons behind them. And I repeat ED is only one of many.

However, even if he thinks that you may suffer from some kind of ED it surely doesn't mean that he also thinks that you're huge and disgusting.

athena.agathon · Jul 18, 2012, 06:55 AM

Agreed, suggesting you be evaluated does not equal 'he thinks I'm fat and disgusting.'

It's about what you're thinking and how you're behaving towards food, not how you look.

WikidPissah · Jul 18, 2012, 07:39 AM

Thank you everyone. I have come to my senses this morning. I did a lot of thinking and I realized that Yalom is a dumb fck (imo), and T is not Yalom. Yalom wrote that crap, not t. I needed to register that in my brain.

Also, I am going to shed some of this weight and prove to T that I don't have a disorder.

Jul 18, 2012, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Thank you everyone. I have come to my senses this morning. I did a lot of thinking and I realized that Yalom is a dumb fck (imo), and T is not Yalom. Yalom wrote that crap, not t. I needed to register that in my brain.

Also, I am going to shed some of this weight and prove to T that I don't have a disorder.

You rock, Wikid. Whether you shed weight or not, you just... rock.

kiki86 · Jul 18, 2012, 08:02 AM

i'm glad you're feeling more positive this morning! but are you sure that losing weight to prove a point is a healthy attitude?

stopdog · Jul 18, 2012, 08:54 AM

I am glad you are feeling better this morning. I hope it was clear I was not trying to be mean about your therapist. I just have a thing about them not listening to clients and insisting they are right. My problem, not yours.

Jul 18, 2012, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiki86

i'm glad you're feeling more positive this morning! but are you sure that losing weight to prove a point is a healthy attitude?

I wonder if the attitude/belief that losing weight will prove a point may be part of why he has concerns about ED for you.

WikidPissah · Jul 18, 2012, 03:45 PM

stopdog...not a problem at all. I detest being told what to do.

Chris, I usually need my feathers ruffled to make changes. I always have to prove I can. Not an ED, just who I am.

anilam · Jul 19, 2012, 03:46 AM

Proving you don't have an ED by loosing weight? I think Farmergirl may a point there:

Quote:

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I wonder if the attitude/belief that losing weight will prove a point may be part of why he has concerns about ED for you.

ED is about a lot of things but it surely is not about how much you weight. Loosing weight won't help you successfully recover form an ED.
It's more about finding why you use weight/food as a coping mechanism and changing the attitude that your self worth is somehow connected to the number on your scale. Or at least that's what Ts told me...

You can have an ED irrespective of your weight. (as I'm sure you already know

)

WikidPissah · Jul 19, 2012, 06:47 AM

Thanks Anilam, I get that. I have seen so many people on here battling ED's over the years, and it's disrespectful of me to have worded it that way. I know loosing weight doesn't fix an ED.

I do have a lot of anxiety around eating and meal preps, I count and do little rituals. But it is anxiety, maybe slightly ocd, not an ed.

anilam · Jul 19, 2012, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Thanks Anilam, I get that. I have seen so many people on here battling ED's over the years, and it's disrespectful of me to have worded it that way. I know loosing weight doesn't fix an ED.

I do have a lot of anxiety around eating and meal preps, I count and do little rituals. But it is anxiety, maybe slightly ocd, not an ed.

I didn't thought it was disrespectful at all- it just struck me as a bit weird (and a really sad) thing to say...
Please, be careful.

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