what does it *mean* to be vulnerable in therapy?

As the chief of this thread, I decree that you are not monopolizing this thread. This is all totally relevant, and I'm not big on follow-up, so converse away...

So obviously, if you're doing CBT around a specific phobia, trust is helpful (because getting in the elevator is scary), but it's not the same as if you are in a psychodynamic or experiential therapy. And cognitive-behavioral therapists are not that interested generally in talking about trust/intimacy/vulnerability issues, so it makes sense to choose your context and not go there with them. But that doesn't sound like what you are doing--am I right?

Like Soup says, the only way to find out if it's OK or not OK is to go there and see what happens if you do talk about something scary.

I've had a lot of the same problems (what's OK to talk about? what if I freak out? T can't handle this ********!), and my therapist suggested two things: A) I talk about why I don't want to talk about it and see if he can address some of my concerns and B) I pick something difficult but more manageable (not the most threatening thing I can think of) and then see what happens.

That's exactly what my T says, too. We've spent a lot of time talking about how hard some things are to talk about and why. We've deferred a number of conversations until I can manage them. We talk about things that I can talk about.

Just last week, I finally decided that I had just enough trust to tell him about my CSA. Hardest thing I ever did, but I feel closer to him now than I ever have and I trust him even more.

And sometimes it just boils down to screwing up your courage and taking a risk.

I cannot imagine a therapist not being aware of how crucial it is for a client to trust them. I am a health care provider in pediatrics, and the absolute most important thing to me from the very beginning of a hospitalization is that I earn the patient's and their parents' trust. I'm often especially focused on earning the parents' trust, because if their child sees their parents at ease with me, then they will often take their cues from their parents.

I understand what you're saying about degrees of trust. I think you're right, that you could accomplish a short-term therapy goal being treated for a phobia without feeling you trust that therapist enough to open up your deepest wounds.

That said, if a therapist was not responsive to a conversation about trust, I'd find another therapist. Out of all health care professionals, therapists should be the best equipped to understand the dynamics of trust. ALL successful relationships are built on a foundation of trust.

I'm not sure if I want to hear that of course I should talk to T about trust and vulnerability, or if I want to get my prejudices against doing that confirmed

Eleven years or so ago, I had to do a health evaluation thing at work - "how often do you exercise", "do you have any problems with lighting/seating position/repetitive movements at work" etc, which included some question about mood. Unfortunately I decided to answer it honestly, so was called to the staff psychologist. This was my first meeting with a psychologist so I was really nervous, and (again) unfortunately I thought it would be a good idea to tell her that because she's a psychologist so she'll understand that, right? Did she 'eckers like. Instead, she asked me rather sharply why I thought I had to be nervous, and made the pronouncement that I was just tense - and gave me a referral to a physiotherapist who worked within the psychiatric health services. She, in turn, was a disaster; on my third visit or so when she asked me how I was feeling, I told her that I'd been feeling rather suicidal recently - and got a reply on the lines of "Oh, that's not so good. Make sure you have somebody to talk to when that happens." (I've told that anecdote before, I think.)

That was a really roundabout way to say that I am not very confident about bringing up the issue of whether I feel safe or vulnerable (or both) in the therapy situation, because what if my feelings are irrelevant and I have no business feeling like that? Current T has given me no reason to believe that he'd react like that. Quite the opposite, which is why I'm able even to think about bringing it up. But if he did - well.

Oh, and I should perhaps have said - I'm not in T for any particular well-defined issue, so I'm not in CBT or any other BT where you get homework and have a small, set number of sessions and don't go deep into, you know, stuff.

Apt, why not ask "hypothetically" what is okay to talk about in T? What does T not want to you to discuss? I think those 2 questions asked of your T would start a great conversation.

This goes back to context... I don't know what the situation is in Sweden but in the US, we call this kind of workplace health support EAP (employee assistance programs) and the problem with EAP is that it is primarily to make you more functional for work. A lot of the time the way it works is that the health care professionals involved owe allegiance primarily to your employer and not you. Which is not good for trust.

It sounds like this might be the right therapist to bring this up with! I doubt your feelings are irrelevant and you never "have no business" feeling whatever you feel. One thing I'm learning is that feelings are not good or bad...they just are.

For me being vulnerable means being able to tell T ANY thing without having to fear being judged the next week when you go back. To be able to trust that T will always have your best interest at heart no matter what you tell them.

I am vulnerable with my T when I allow myself to cry and ask her to hold my hand or ask for a hug. I share my fears and my shame and tell her when I am feeling vulnerable. This has taken some time to get to this point but now... Wow, I feel so much freer now and truly feel seen by my T. I know I have nothing to hide. Now I am working on applying all of this with family/friends.

for me it means taking a risk - allowing myself to feel and say things that are scary. what i am discovering, every time I do that, there is growth

A lobster needs to shed its shell before it can grow.

I see what you`re saying. Maybe our trust has to be realistic. Gotta know what our `deal breakers` are. I trust my therapist to `be there` for me. There have been times, though, that she has missed my cues, or has had a therapeutic blunder that caused me pain. She does make mistakes. Thing is. though, that she has been true to her word and has always responded when I`ve brought those things up. What I trust, is her unbreakable commitment to the relationship.. which means that she takes her role in repairing any ruptures very seriously. Never once in 4.5 years has she ever treated my complaints as trivial. She says that if it`s important to me, then it`s important to her.

Doesn`t get any better than that.

Yes, the workplace psychologist was of course mainly concerned with my health as related to my work situation. The person I was referred to worked in the public mental health care system, though.

Yes, but displaying them may be more or less appropriate
We'll see. Maybe I will try to bring this up. Thanks for all your comments.