emotionally absent mother

granite1 · Jul 17, 2012, 08:43 AM

last night i started reading this book and it completely blindsided me.the feelings that it brought up were so strong.i would have horrible memories that went with the stuff that i was reading.i really kind of freaked me out.today i keep on starting to read it and freak and then put it down again

.but i am so curious about what it has to say but i hate what it does to me.it is way way to real for me.can i give an example
trigger

like it talks about the mother being your mentor,teacher etc....even with things such as grooming and so on.how they need to understand the level of development and patients and so on.i am reading about this and remembering the times i couldn't get my shoes on the right feet or my pants on not backward .instead of helping and encouraging me the mother would shove the stuff at me tell me to get dressed and if i got it wrong she would hit me real real hard and send me away to do it again and if i didn't get it right it was the same thing ,SMACK YOU STUPID TRY AGAIN,i remember the fear ,panic and historical crying.if i got it wrong again.i read this about the mentoring and it asked how i felt the mother was and OMG it was awful how i felt.like it was so so wrong,don't understand why.like OK the mother didn't have the skills to mentor but why the abuse why the hitting and names and humiliation.with out the abuse the inability to mentor well was bad enough.and this is just one example of one sentence read.

anyway.i want to read this book and i want to be able to understand so i think i want to talk about it with my T and my reactions and all but it seems wrong and not OK.i wouldn't even know how to approach it with her.i am afraid she would think that it is ridiculous that i want to read that book if it makes me feel so bad.but i am curious and want to understand. but i would feel so humiliated to ask her about it.and at the same time also think she will say she doesn't think it is a good idea because of my reaction.but i am curious.i have never talked to her at all about any of the abuse or anything that has happened to me.I'm scared she would not be interested or not want to hear it at all.and i also hate feeling like i do when i talk about it.i fear she couldn't help me with this and would just say then don;t talk about it move on.anyway i will probably keep it to myself again.

anyone else ever have this reaction to this book or read it etc...did your T think it was a good idea? how did you handle it

pbutton · Jul 17, 2012, 08:51 AM

I think it is GREAT that you're reading the book. I bet T will too & I think she will want to discuss your reactions with you. This sounds like an awesome idea & I think you will learn a lot. Your T wants to know this stuff Granite.

struggling2 · Jul 17, 2012, 08:55 AM

hey granite, whats the name of this book? sorry you are having such a hard time with it

Perna · Jul 17, 2012, 08:57 AM

Oh, books like that really upset me! You want to read them but don't. Try to remember that they are someone else's ideas, not "facts" about you and your background/mother. I remember reading about what happens to children whose parents die (my mother died when I was 3) and not wanting anything that I read had happened to others, not understanding yet that the description of things from other's viewpoints is not really about us personally.

I like that you are instinctively reading and stopping, reading and stopping. Your body/reactions/defenses are protecting you well. It's like a bad dream kind of; you are under the sway of it but then when you wake you realize it is just a "dream", the horror or images kind of recede as you work with them and realize you have a bit more control over them than you thought.

Jul 17, 2012, 09:03 AM

Granite, I think its an excellent idea to talk to your T about reading this book. Maybe you could read a little at a time with T's help. The abuse is something that you NEED to talk to T about. Your T is not your mother and she will not think you are stupid or trivialize your thoughts and emotions, she is there to help. They are trained to hear and deal with these things, so i think she would be overjoyed that you shared with her, it would also give her insight into you and help in your healing. I know its tough honey, but we are all in therapy to deal with these past demons and not allow them to rule our lives anymore. Ill always be here for you if you wanna talk. I had a bad mother too, i think that is very common place here.

Sannah · Jul 17, 2012, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

it asked how i felt the mother was and OMG it was awful how i felt.like it was so so wrong,don't understand why.

You don't like to have negative feelings toward the mother?

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

the mother didn't have the skills to mentor but why the abuse why the hitting and names and humiliation.

This is a nice way of talking about what your mom did, that she just didn't have the skills. (I think that she was a mean bully, especially to be able to do that to your own child).

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

i fear she couldn't help me with this and would just say then don;t talk about it move on.anyway i will probably keep it to myself again.

You have experience with people wanting you to just move on and "get over it"?

I think that this is an excellent opportunity for you to work on this issue. I always looked forward to getting triggered because it brought to the surface what I needed to work on so that I could improve.

WikidPissah · Jul 17, 2012, 11:52 AM

(((Granite)))

I had a difficult time with that book as well. It would be huge if you could tell t about it. I found that letting t into my world, even just a smidgen, was really helpful. And I don't think your t would tell you not to talk about it.

Jul 17, 2012, 02:19 PM

granite, I finished the book finally last night. Please keep in mind that the author even said the book was written about the distant mother, not the horrible, toxic mothers like you and I had. So, not all of the book will apply to people like you and me. I found parts of the book helpful and parts very difficult to read.

And for what it's worth, I didn't discuss the book with my T either, despite thinking that I would talk to him about it.

struggling2 · Jul 17, 2012, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

granite, I finished the book finally last night. Please keep in mind that the author even said the book was written about the distant mother, not the horrible, toxic mothers like you and I had. So, not all of the book will apply to people like you and me. I found parts of the book helpful and parts very difficult to read.

And for what it's worth, I didn't discuss the book with my T either, despite thinking that I would talk to him about it.

what book is this?

Jul 17, 2012, 02:28 PM

The Emotionally Absent Mother.

kirbydog156 · Jul 17, 2012, 03:56 PM

I have the book. I can only read small bits at a time, then stop and have time to process and write about it. It's a great book but not exactly pleasure reading.

Jul 17, 2012, 04:05 PM

Did we ALL buy this book?! Hankster, we're coming for you with pitchforks and torches!

I found it a painful read as well, but one of the best books I've read - it was like putting together so many puzzle pieces. I spoke to my T about it a little.. and I took a pen and highlighted a bunch of stuff, so I might take it with me and discuss it in more depth at some point.. but maybe not quite yet - I might need to brave up a bit more, first!

Nelliecat · Jul 17, 2012, 04:15 PM

Yes, I've got it too and was also going to highlight bits that really resonated with me. It has been hard to read and I've left it alone for over a week now. When it feels right I'll go back to it.

Jul 17, 2012, 04:19 PM

Pitchforks and torches? NO WAY! I was going to send hankster flowers.

It was tough to read, but validating. I was thinking about giving my sister a copy.

unaluna · Jul 17, 2012, 04:26 PM

That's Dr FrankenshtEEEEn!

Jul 17, 2012, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

That's Dr FrankenshtEEEEn!

WikidPissah · Jul 17, 2012, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

That's Dr FrankenshtEEEEn!

I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen.

(Gene Wilder rox)

unaluna · Jul 17, 2012, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Gene Wilder rox

he's totally my idol. I saw him not too long ago (past 2-3 years) on TV - was it on House or something? he was as great as ever. let me look it up. looks like it was Will and Grace.

anyway, my T has my copy right now.

Jul 17, 2012, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Pitchforks and torches? NO WAY! I was going to send hankster flowers.

It was tough to read, but validating. I was thinking about giving my sister a copy.

You're right, it was validating... I couldn't think of the right word, but that's it.

granite1 · Jul 17, 2012, 04:57 PM

peolpe who have let your T know you are reading this book what was the reaction

Jul 17, 2012, 05:04 PM

My T hasn't read it (yet, might loan her my - highlighted - copy

) so she didn't comment much.. she seemed to think it would be more about explaining what causes the mother to be 'emotionally absent', but I told her that while it does cover that, it's more about the effects of that on the child - how it can still affect that child as an adult.. I sent her the '10 good mother messages' and she did say she hoped she gave those messages to her daughter.. I said I'd be surprised if she didn't score 10/10.

scorpiosis37 · Jul 17, 2012, 05:24 PM

Granite, I have the same reaction when I read anything about mothers & daughters. When I read (or watch on TV or observe in RL) a mother being kind to her daughter, teaching her things, loving her-- I absolutely lose it! It feels like my insides are going to twist into a big knot and then explode! I can't even watch a TV show with a loving mother & daughter without wanting to cry and just feeling sick inside that I can never know what it's like to have that. My biological mother (I can't call her "my mother" because she was not a mother to me)-- she played no role whatsoever in raising me. She did not change one diaper, fill one bottle, cook one meal, nothing. Instead, I was raised by a nanny who abused me every day. My bi mom has said maybe a handful of words to me my entire life. They consist primarily of: "I wish you were never born, you ugly pig. If your father hadn't wanted you, you wouldn't be here." I can COMPLETELY relate to not knowing how to do totally basic things, because I also was never taught. Do you know who had to explain to me what my period was and buy me my first box of tampons? My grandfather! I was 11 and had to have my 70 year old grandfather explain to me why I was bleeding "down there!" When I read stuff about how mothers teach these things to their daughters, I go absolutely ballistic!!! My T knows all this about me-- but still, when she tells me that she plays scrabble with her 11-year-old daughter, it feels like someone is stabbing a knife through my heart. I can't even fathom how incredible that would be-- to have ONE memory of ever doing something like that with a mom-like-person who actually cared about me? It boggles the mind that others know what that's like!!!

granite1 · Jul 17, 2012, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Granite, I have the same reaction when I read anything about mothers & daughters. When I read (or watch on TV or observe in RL) a mother being kind to her daughter, teaching her things, loving her-- I absolutely lose it! It feels like my insides are going to twist into a big knot and then explode! I can't even watch a TV show with a loving mother & daughter without wanting to cry and just feeling sick inside that I can never know what it's like to have that. My biological mother (I can't call her "my mother" because she was not a mother to me)-- she played no role whatsoever in raising me. She did not change one diaper, fill one bottle, cook one meal, nothing. Instead, I was raised by a nanny who abused me every day. My bi mom has said maybe a handful of words to me my entire life. They consist primarily of: "I wish you were never born, you ugly pig. If your father hadn't wanted you, you wouldn't be here." I can COMPLETELY relate to not knowing how to do totally basic things, because I also was never taught. Do you know who had to explain to me what my period was and buy me my first box of tampons? My grandfather! I was 11 and had to have my 70 year old grandfather explain to me why I was bleeding "down there!" When I read stuff about how mothers teach these things to their daughters, I go absolutely ballistic!!! My T knows all this about me-- but still, when she tells me that she plays scrabble with her 11-year-old daughter, it feels like someone is stabbing a knife through my heart. I can't even fathom how incredible that would be-- to have ONE memory of ever doing something like that with a mom-like-person who actually cared about me? It boggles the mind that others know what that's like!!!

i learned about my period when i went to school and they had the big movie in gym

.i had no idea what any of it was about when the other kids were talking about it.ironic i was having sex but had no idea what a period was.when i started my period and the mother found out all she had to say was now you have to say no

didn't know what i was supose to say no to.

i'm sorry your bio mother was so horrid