[Kacey2]

I am going through what I would call an emotional drought. First off, I did go back to therapy with a lot of insistence from the pdoc. I showed her some drawings I did and she found them to be quite disturbing. What really concerned her the most (and some of my friends) was the graphic nature of them and my complete lack of emotion about their depictions.

So my question is have you ever felt dead even though you're breathing? What do you even do about that?

Oh and one other thing. Food does not taste like anything. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

[scorpiosis37]

Yes, I've absolutely had the experience of feeling empty and dead inside. Most recently, it happened to me when I was in the midst of a horrible, abusive relationship. I'd just become so numb inside (I think as a defense mechanism) that I was unable to feel, taste, or really see anything. What began to "wake me up," so to speak, was starting therapy and building a relationship with my then-T. I started feeling emotion again when I was with her, and it made me realize that it was being around my partner that was making me feel empty and dead inside. I finally just got to the point where I couldn't live like that for another day. It helped me get up the courage to leave and, when I did, the world started coming back into focus.

While I remember this experience vividly because it happened 2 years ago, I know that I've felt that way before, in other situations, too. But I can't remember WHY or what I did about them. But they all passed, eventually.

I'm sorry that you're having that experience now. I remember how it feels. But, for those who haven't been there, it's hard to make them understand. I still remember telling my then-T "I feel dead inside" and I'll never forget the look on her face. Let's just say that she did NOT understand-- even though she eventually became the one to help me out of it.

[LoneWolfie]

Yes I have felt dead and numb inside. My coping is not healthy as I self harm. The food thing I have never experienced so I can't say anything on that.

When I'm sliding off into depression, I can get that way. Numb. Food doesn't taste like much. The world loses color as well. There is a gray overtone to everything.

[KazzaX]

I have felt dead inside for 20-ish years. I am only just finding out now that it is because I am apparently cut off from my emotions and it is an automatic defense mechanism type thing. It is quite boring being like this, isn't it? Boring and 2 dimensional. Nothing has much substance, really.

Apparently to fix it we have to somehow reconnect those emotions and I'm not sure how they do that. SOmething to do with the content of the conversations in therapy... she asks particular things and observes me as i respond to them. It is really hard and I am starting to see WHY I did it in the first place - its because the alternative is 900 times worse!! The world is a horrible place to be in when you aren't numb! It is crazy.

Yes, many many times. Sane with the foods. Usually just read a lot, get lost in books, to wait it out.

[regretful]

When I'm not on medication and I am depressed, I feel only the negative emotions. I cry incessantly, get angry, easily, etc. Now that I'm into medication for a bit over two weeks, I'm feeling rather "nothingness", so I guess that would be dead inside. I am doing what I can to make that a bit better...trying to turn around the thinking to a better place.

[SallyBrown]

I definitely know that feeling. And while I don't draw much anymore, I do have problems with disturbing intrusive thoughts that I don't tell anyone but my T about because I'm pretty sure I'd scare them.

This usually happens when I am holding in something overwhelming, and it pushes through in thoughts and in my creative endeavors (I'm more a writer now), but day to day, I'll have depersonalized episodes where everything looks fake and I feel like I'm looking out at the world from inside a glass box. And I'll just feel nothing, like something inside me died. I think it's a way to push down the reality of what's bothering me -- but that just leaks out in my thoughts, rather than my emotions.

I find the only way to get through this is to confront it. Figure out what it is first, and then talk your way through it. Sometimes my own body resists confronting these things, and I feel sick just talking about them. But once it's out, it feels better.

Last I felt this way was during a massive rupture with T. It took a long time to get past it, but he tolerated all of my rages and tears. I'd say definitely try to get to the bottom of it as soon as possible, if you can.

Kacey, sounds like depression.

[Towanda]

Yeah, I've felt like that. I feel like I'm enshrouded in a burkha, like my vision is narrowed to only a tiny slit, like something heavy and black is surrounding my entire body. It's an effort to move, to even breathe. Thinking feels like trying to push my thoughts through sludge. Even turning my eyes in a different direction takes effort.

When I get like that, I force myself to get out in public - go to a bookstore, for instance, and read, surrounded by people, just to be in the ebb and flow of life - not alone. I force myself to go to AA and NA meetings - grooming is minimal, if at all - I simply make it a goal to show up. I go to a local museum and wander among the exhibits - again, alone, but other people are around. I stop in the coffee shop and make it a goal to at least say hi to the server.

I also come here to PC, and post, and join in the chat room - that always helps. Little by little the fog lifts.

Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time Kacey - stay strong - it will lift and get better

[Kacey2]

Haven't been on pc all day and now it is bed time. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you that took time to reply to me. It meant a lot. I am going to respond tomorrow. Thanks!!