I have been missing - feeling really suicidal

Hi can anyone help me. I know I have been missing for a while, but I have just not been doing too good. Today I went for my session and I only stayed about 20 minutes (10 of those probably mostly in silence). I could feel my face completely burning up because I thought I was going to cry. I told T that I just wanted to be dead.

Anyway Iwont bore you with the details, but eventually I just apologised and said I had to leave, which I did. I don't think I'll be going back but I feel so bad for doing this on T because really she is such a nice person and I get on great with her. I just couldn't talk. She really did try and I just couldn't do it, I really tried so hard, but I just couldn't talk. It was like I just hadn't the energy or something. I feel so bad now because I'm sure I've made her feel bad. I'm definetly not going to text her to apologise. I know she knows Im sorry.

Has this happened to anyone else?

I understand if I don't get replies, its completely stupid.

Thanks

This is not stupid at all. This happens to a lot of us - including me. I have had many times where I couldn't talk. I am positive therapists are used to this. You can go back. You didn't hurt her. They are trained to deal with this.

I have done that before, it feels so awful. I didn't leave t early yesterday but I just couldn't speak and I felt really stupid. It sucked.

You are right, you don't have to apologize, but you can text her for help. I would go back too, unless you don't like her...but it sounds like you do. We all have crappy sessions here and there.

LP - not stupid in the least. We're all here to help each other.

I hope you will keep going to see yr T, and not leave early. Even if you just want to read something out, or write T a letter or some flash cards, or play with a sand sculpture, or draw on a white board, or lie down and be restful in T's presence, it's all OK;

what is not a good idea is to isolate yourself when you are down.

remember, when you are feeling down, it's not a good counselor who is sitting on your shoulder. When you feel like that, make no change to the arrangements you made earlier in a time of peace. The down times will let up sooner or later, and when you are peaceful again, that will be the time to look at quitting therapy, or making other changes, if you really think them necessary.

Be strong. Come post any time; PC folk are all over the world and the place never closes, thanks to our good Doc John.
let us know how you go!

the session before last, t and me were talking and i got triggered and fight or flight kicked in and I HAD TO LEAVE. t kept trying to talk to me, and all i remember is i kept shouting "NO, NO, NO!"

fortunately for me, t called later that night and i agreed to go back the next night. we worked it out and i found out what triggered me and now, all is well..

talk to t, they will understand

10 mins? I've once spent whole session not talking. 50 mins and all I've said was hi and see.
I think Ts are trained to withstand THE silence. I know it could be embarrassing but that's life (and therapy in particular). Ts are used to it and eventually you'll become too.
Just, please, do go back.

don't worry. i think lots of people have sessions like that. just try to keep going back. your T will understand.

I hear you, lonelyplanet, and I know how uncomfortable that situation is. It is not a stupid thing, and I'm glad you wrote about it. I also think you should go back to T and maybe start next session by saying (or slipping T a note that says) that you would like to talk about this situation, and what happens inside you.

My first session with my new T was catharctic and incredibly good (especially compared to sessions with previous Ts). The next time I saw him I sat fighting and struggling to get a single sentence formed. T brought up topic after topic and I just couldn't manage to talk about anything. In my next session I began by saying something on the lines of "I know I didn't do very well last time, because I didn't really say anything at all". T's response was "You let me know a lot about yourself last time". And then we had a really productive discussion about that. Ts have heard the silence before, as anilam says. And they are trained to help you in exactly that situation.

thanks guys for all your messages of support I really appreciate it. I will post more when I feel a bit better xx