scared

I know I should call my t right now, but if I do, I'm pretty sure she's going to want me to go inpatient.
I am having really basically non-stop suicidal thoughts. I don't think my meds are helping anymore. I don't see pdoc till the end of August.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've been inpatient before and I dont want to do it again

Thoughts cannot kill you (anymore than anxiety/feeling scared can), only actions can. If you do not want to go inpatient, do not want to think these thoughts; what else can you do? Well, you can post here, which you have done! Good job. You can distract yourself from the thoughts, replace them with other thoughts by reading and posting online, etc.

What else? Can you go out to the library, store, meet someone for a snack/to talk? What would you like to do rather than have these thoughts/go to the hospital?

If you think you would feel calmer; call your T and discuss other options? Remember, they are thoughts; do you feel in danger of doing anything specific? No one can "make" you act on your suicidal thoughts.

I helped myself once when I was having thoughts with making a doctor's appointment for a couple weeks away; I focused on the future in other words. What else might be coming up in your life besides your pdoc appointment end of August? Can you call the office and see if they can get you in sooner?

If only it were as easy as staying distracted. My mood is getting worse and worse. I NEED to see my pdoc, but unfortunately, that's not happening till the end of August (tried but can't get in any sooner and he does not do a cancellation list)

Maybe call the pdoc's office and see if he has a partner, explain you believe it is an emergency; see if there is anyone else, an associate of your pdoc's that you can see sooner? Or maybe call your T and see you can "structure" an inpatient visit to meet your needs to see a pdoc and get your meds better?

Nobody else at his office will even LOOK at my chart because I am a challenging case... I have a ton of med allergies, and react poorly to a lot of others, so I am just screwed.

I have called before when I was having issues and pdoc was out of the country, nobody would help

I would call T and discuss the whole thing with her, see what she advises. It could be that you need time with a pdoc somewhere now. Could she call pdoc and get through to him that you need to be seen?

T and pdoc don't work in the same office, so I doubt she'd get through to him. I know I need to call t, but I'm not ready for it yet...

"Why" are you thinking suicidal thoughts at this time? Has something happened? Is there something we can work on from that end?

Call your T.
Have you make any real plans? If so, call immediately and/or go to ER but if you're having "just" SUI thoughts I think (no expert- just talking from my experience here) you can try and work on it with your T (if he's up to it) without going inpatient.
Do you have any ppl in RL you feel close to? When I was feeling really down I've spent few nights at my BF's house on her sofa, then went on a vacation with other friends, move back with my mum for few weeks... Asking for help is not a weakness and you'd be surprised how many ppl (if asked) would gladly offer you their help. Most of the ppl close to you feel that you're suffering anyway and are actually relieved if they can help you eased the suffering. Please try to reach out.

I talked to my husband a bit last night but he doesn't really seem to get it.
As for plans, yes and no. Yes, I have a plan but I'm not quite there yet

nicole, you know you.... is there anything that will stop this for you? If you wanna talk PM me, but I agree I think you should call T. I was on medicine a month ago that made me suicidal and I quickly had to go off that.

Can't you leave a message with PDoc saying it's urgent you speak to him? I can't even imagine my PDoc not taking a phone call from me if I was in the state of mind you are in now. Heck...... my pdoc wants me to call her anytime I feel like my meds are messing me up! You don;t actually have to see Pdoc to let him nknow what's happening! PLEASE CALL HIM!

Last time I called, when I was having a med issue and having tachycardia AND feeling suicidal, his nurse called me 3 or 4 days later... the time before that when I was having med issues it was a couple of weeks

What kinds of things usually help you when you're feeling awful?

I went inpatient Friday night. I'm on a pass right now won't go home for at least another day

I'm glad to hear you have been in a safe place. Keep in touch.

Came home from the hospital today. Feeling like maybe I have some hope now

So glad to hear you are feeling better.

I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed, even if it wasn't exactly the way you wanted it. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do to get what we need.

More than anything, I'm glad to hear you feel like you have more hope!

Well done on getting through a really rough patch and doing what you needed to keep yourself safe. I always see your posts, and relate quite strongly. I really hope you're able to hold onto that feeling of hope! I know it's a really precious, and vital thing, to have a little bit of hope.

It is not a perfect system sounds like the level of communication you recieve 3 4 days is not ideal. Now that you have received help is there an action plan that you can receive in regards to future treatement.
I would put this in place asap and define what it is you need from your doctors so that future treatment is set up.

I'm continuing to see my t, had a med added, and am going to talk to my t when I see her on Wednesday about seeing if there is a pdoc at that clinic that I can see

Yeah, a different pdoc might not be a bad idea as yours has been horrible about returning calls, etc. With the severity of your condition at times, you need a pdoc who will get back to you. They are out there. Mine has always returned calls on the very same day. The only time he's less accessible is at nights and on weekends when the pdocs in his practice take turns being on call, but that is workable.