[geez]

It's 10:28 and the door is locked to the office!!!! My appt is for 1030.
Just called t and she will be here in a few minutes???

[stopdog]

Sorry to hear. I would be quite put out if that happened given the background of your exchange. Good luck dealing with her.

[AngelWolf3]

OH man. Just read your post. I am hoping for good to come from this, but Man, especially what's been going on, as stopdog said, I would be way upset too. Let us know what happened, if you wish.

[kiki86]

oh god. what is she playing at? that's ridiculous considering the circumstances. hope she has a good excuse.

You can talk about how it made you feel when she arrives. Nothing's a waste.

[Sannah]

How did it go?

[sunrise]

Sorry your T was late. I hope she did arrive very soon after you called. How did the session go?

[Perna]

I had that happen a few times; the 3-4 therapists that used that office suite had different schedules and sometimes it was just my T and she had to come from a distance and would be a few minutes late (and/or I was always early :-)

[geez]

TRIGGER

My head is spinning right now I feel so confused. The irony of it all is killing me!!!

I'm just going to write out what's in my head and go from there....

T pulled into the parking lot at 10:30. I sat in the car for a couple minutes to 'get it together'. - and she called me from her office to tell me she was there.

When I went in to T's office and she looked calm and not unkempt like the previous week. She looked like she had herself pulled together.

She asked me how I was feeling. I told her uncomfortable. She asked why and I told her I didn't want to talk about it (I didn't feel like it would get me anywhere to tell her I was upset that she wasn't there and the door was locked). I did manage to ask her about the comment from last week "I'm not angry with you right now". When I asked her about it she said she doesn't remember saying that and can't imagine being angry with me.

I then told her I wanted to talk about my phone call at the beginning of the week. She then said: "what phone call"? I started reminding her about how I was upset and needed help so I called her and then she called me back. She then remembered and said what do you want to say about that? I told her I called her because I felt in desperation and I couldn't take the feeling of xyz anymore. I promised myself I would never let myself feel that way and yet I was feeling that way.

I told her about an abuse experience I had with no emotion attached and it felt odd about it. I think it was the most words I've ever used before.

I handed T a worksheet she gave me last week that goes over what trauma experiences I had at what ages and the intensity of those experiences on a scale from 1 - 10.

She said it feels to her like something about the process of therapy,or her, or the environment is uncomfortable for me. She asked me if I ever felt that way in therapy. I don't remember what I said but my answer to that is this: Therapy isn't comfortable however I have felt comfort with a therapist (T1 and marriage T) even being in the uncomfortable position to be talking about my feelings and doing the work.

I told T2 how I'm close to finding my abuser and how I'm going to write to him anonymously when I find him. She said she's not sure it's a good idea and asked me if I got the support from T1 on that decision. I told her yes but I never acted on doing the work to find him until now. I deserve to know where he lives.... and perhaps even anonymously contact authorities like the parole board if not the police. I haven't decided yet. (my guess is he's abusing children still. he got other children - 5 in one of my memories - involved in holding me against my will so he could do things to me - he abused the girls next door and who knows who else - i was age 5 or 6 at the time).

On the subject of emotion we started talking about ? - I can't remember right now what the emotion was we were talking about but I did tell her there was nothing tied to that emotion. I felt completely lost. I felt like I was in the middle of a dessert with nothing in sight but flat dry sand. No clues to be found. Just nothingness.

T and I did some valuable work to start working out positive and negative beliefs and how it's all tied to my experiences of CSA and emotional/physical abuse. That is the good that came out of it.....

HOWEVER

I don't know that it would be best to continue therapy with someone who seems inconsistent with how they conduct themselves. I don't know if I can trust her. I've never had to work this hard in therapy before with just being able to trust the therapist. I'm not sure this is a healthy therapeutic relationship.

At the end of my 10:30 appointment T2 said: See you next week at 10am. HUH??? I said "oh it's not at 1030?" She said "no it's at 10am". I said oh but you aren't you going to be on vacation next week?. T2: Yes I am on vacation I forgot. I'll see you at 10am in two weeks.

When I left I called my marriage T from the parking lot and left a message asking her if I could have a consult appointment with her next week. I need an opinion from someone who 'knows me' and help me come up with a list of what it is I need from a therapist and therapy.

I need consistency. Anything less than that is too scary.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by geez

I need consistency. Anything less than that is too scary.

Yes, it sounds like you are getting too triggered by T2's ways and therapy with her, etc. Don't know if it's what else is happening in your life right now contributing to it (almost at the point of contacting your abuser; need for "safety" would be heightened?) or what, but learning to deal with seeming inconsistency on top of whatever else is going on is not what you need right now.

[pbutton]

Yeah, I can totally see why this would bother you. It would bother me too & I'm not quite at a place yet where discussing it would be productive. Consistency is important.

[unaluna]

yeah, that might disturb me a little if she can't remember if she's on vacation or not? the r/s sounds rough, not in sync, idk what's wrong. is she working part time, having childcare issues or stg?

So she was on time, even though by your perspective she was still late. You seem to have been able to talk about some abuse issues and did some valuable work according to your desciption. Your appointment is set for two weeks away at 10:00. You don't trust this T because of a couple of late appointments and her appearing unkempt at your last appointment. If you don't think you can get past your problems with what you feel is inconsistency, yes you might should look for another T, but I still get this gut feeling that this isn't about being a few minutes late or her physical appearance. What makes you so afraid of her? Will she ever be able to stand independently as trustworthy as your therapist, or will she forever be held in the shadow of your other T's? I don't know. I just wonder if this has more to do with not really wanting to give up your therapy relationships with your old T's than anything -- sort of the no matter what she does, it will never be quite right syndrome because she isn't . . . . Might be worth exploring.

[stopdog]

Do you know why you are having such a hard time just pulling the plug on this one? She does not sound good for you ( and I say this from the perspective of someone who will not quit one I am constantly frustrated and impotently enraged with)

geez, I am sorry you are struggling with T2. I am going through the same exact with my T2 (I think I"ve mentioned that, though, about a billion times on PC since I started seeing him a month ago )

I am not sure what is going on with your T2 but it sounds (reads) like she is pushing a lot of buttons

And also, it also sounds as if she is kind of ... dingy (I usually try to reserve making comments about others Ts but this is one of those rare times)

That said, is this the kind of style of T that is BEST for you right now?

Please let us know how you are doing and how things go with T1.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

That said, is this the kind of style of T that is BEST for you right now?

This is the most important thing. If this is not a T that is going to work for you for whatever reason, do what you need to do for you.

[geez]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

So she was on time, even though by your perspective she was still late. You seem to have been able to talk about some abuse issues and did some valuable work according to your desciption. Your appointment is set for two weeks away at 10:00. You don't trust this T because of a couple of late appointments and her appearing unkempt at your last appointment. If you don't think you can get past your problems with what you feel is inconsistency, yes you might should look for another T, but I still get this gut feeling that this isn't about being a few minutes late or her physical appearance. What makes you so afraid of her? Will she ever be able to stand independently as trustworthy as your therapist, or will she forever be held in the shadow of your other T's? I don't know. I just wonder if this has more to do with not really wanting to give up your therapy relationships with your old T's than anything -- sort of the no matter what she does, it will never be quite right syndrome because she isn't . . . . Might be worth exploring.

I find her unsafe because of her inconsistency and her 'mood' from the previous two sessions. It was very inconsistent (I'm familiar with that type of person - i grew up that way and worked to make myself invisible). I actually was experiencing positive transference with her and even recommended her to a couple people before things changed with her most recently. She thinks I am hard on people and know one is perfect but at some point a spade is a spade. My T1 and my marriage T aren't perfect either even though I really like/love them. They have things about them that I find 'scary'. For T1 she is scary because I love her. I am used to wanting to be loved and not receiving it as a child. To feel acceptance and care from another human being is painful with the anticipation of them going away or pulling the rug out from under my feet.

Marriage T I do feel a connection with and is very supportive of my goals and healing. I'm not sure she will be able to see me for a consultation about all of this. We are going to be 'working together' as I will be going to a support group she is putting together and I will be a co-facilitator of and sharing my life experience on a particular topic. Can't wait to connect with others who need support such as myself. She knows this is a passion of mine so she contacted me to see if I wanted to be a part of the group and I accepted (group starts in Sept).

Originally Posted by stopdog

Do you know why you are having such a hard time just pulling the plug on this one? She does not sound good for you ( and I say this from the perspective of someone who will not quit one I am constantly frustrated and impotently enraged with)

I have a hard time trusting my decisions. I fear that because of my past experiences I may be making the wrong decision in both directions leaving/staying. I don't feel 100% confident that I'm making the right choice in quitting. It's like a teenage girl in a relationship. She loves her boyfriend until he she really 'sees him' for who he is. Before seeing him for who he is she took every positive thing he said to her and lapped it up like a kitten drinks milk from a bowl. He builds her up while she secretly craves love and is seemingly getting that love from him when he tells her she's pretty and he cares about her.

I feel like my eyes are open but in disbelief.

Am I telling myself what I want to hear (leave T) so I can avoid working through the fear of dealing with T and the triggers from my past?

OR

Am I telling myself what I need to hear (the girl who is seeing her boyfriend for who he is) so I can protect myself.


As always thank you all for challenging me an my thoughts!

[rainbow8]

geez, I can understand your dilemma because I'm never sure of my decisions either. I wouldn't know what to do if I were you. From reading your description of your session, though, I felt some sympathy pains for you. I didn't like a lot of your T's actions and words. They turned me off.

I also wished that you could have been more honest with this T about your concerns but I know how hard that is with a T you don't feel safe with. I think that you will decide what to do when you need to. I know I'm like that. I'm very indecisive but then something clicks and I know what to do! In the meantime, you can check out if the other Ts will see you IF you choose to quit T2. I'm sorry this is so difficult for you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by geez

I find her unsafe because of her inconsistency and her 'mood' from the previous two sessions. It was very inconsistent (I'm familiar with that type of person - i grew up that way and worked to make myself invisible).

Is she triggering you because she reminds you of this person? If so, this would be really good to talk to her about.

Originally Posted by geez

She thinks I am hard on people and know one is perfect but at some point a spade is a spade.

When she told you this, is this when you started thinking about her differently?

Originally Posted by geez

Am I telling myself what I want to hear (leave T) so

I can avoid working through the fear of dealing with T and the triggers from my past?

OR

so I can protect myself.

Excellent questions!

I know for myself I never turned down an opportunity to work through a trigger. You never know when the next opportunity will arise and if you work through a trigger successfully you have one down and an easier life.

[geez]

PS - as an update to the abuser person I'm looking for! I found him but it looks like he may have died last year. Not sure how I feel about that. I posted more about it in the abuse forum.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think that if I was being triggered like this and did not feel comfortable with this T, I would try to find a new one. I once left a support group for this exact reason and even though the T who was running the group was an excellent T, she just was not the best match for me.

[stopdog]

I hope your other t can help you sort this out. Good luck with it.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Geez: I find her unsafe because of her inconsistency and her 'mood' from the previous two sessions. It was very inconsistent (I'm familiar with that type of person - i grew up that way and worked to make myself invisible).

Is she triggering you because she reminds you of this person? If so, this would be really good to talk to her about.

I don't feel like I need to discuss this with her. I know what the trigger is and even though I understand it it doesn't mean I should have to put up with her 'mood' or inconsistency.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Geez: She thinks I am hard on people and know one is perfect but at some point a spade is a spade.

When she told you this, is this when you started thinking about her differently?

No I started thinking about her differently with her reaction to me about me telling her I was angry because she was chronically late.


I think working through triggers is important however not in this case because of her unprofessionalism and lack of ability to hold good boundaries. As a result I feel like my issue of trust has been damaged further. I don't know that I can open myself up like that again.

My feeling is that you should get a new T. I think you're spending way too much time and emotional energy focusing on your T and her ways of behavior. This whole thing is preventing you from making progress in therapy, because the focus is on her rather than you. And you MUST focus on yourself if you're going to get anywhere. I think this relationship is damaged beyond repair and it's becoming toxic for you. You know what you need - she's not giving it to you. Time to say adios.

[Chopin99]

As a chronically late person myself, I almost feel I should apologize!

Let me bring up something that no one else has brought up, save Hank, but I've wondered from the beginning of the post...is something going on with your T? Something in her life that is making her "extra off". From what I remember of your posts, she's always been late and that bothers you. Then last week, she made the cryptic statement about being angry and was unkempt-looking. This week, she was (technically) on-time, but didn't remember the anger statement, your phone call, or that she was on vacation. She also changed your appointment time back to the original time, when you requested 10:30.

This sounds like someone with too many irons in the fire or in crisis herself. It would be good if you could consult with marriage T. If not, I would give her a couple more sessions to see if her aberrant behavior continues. That would also give you more time to make a decision whether or not to cut and run. I'm bad with decisions too, so I totally empathize with you there! Good luck with all this, Geez!