[franki_j]

So my mom and I are very close, but it seems that my T can be kind of critical of her. One of hte things my T says that both my parents do is minimize things a lot. So today I called my mom, very stressed out about a possible bed bug infestation in my apartment, and her and my dad started laughing about it and telling me I was making too big a deal out of it, etc. Then she started comparing my situation to when she first moved to America and there were roaches everywhere in her apartment, so basically I should be able to survive this. This is not the first time this has happened, that my mom has laughed about something that is important/stressful to me.
SO then I said to her, "My therapist says you minimize things." And she got very sarcastic and started saying, "Oh OK, I'm so sad that you might have bed bugs in your apartment. Wow, that's so horrible." Then she got mad and said that my therapist should know better and that minimizing things is the way people survive life. Then the call dropped, and she thought I hung up on her, and so she texted me and told asking for my T's number and that she was going to call her and tell her to stop meddling in things that weren't her business and that I am too dependent on her. SO of course I got scared and called my mom, and she calmed down and said that she would not call my T. I was still really worried though, so I didn't bring anything up about my T or the bed bugs and just let my mom talk about their trip to Georgia to bring my brother back to college. I was just really quiet the whole time.
I just feel so awful right now. I guess I feel like it is my fault because I do talk about things my T says to my mom, I mean obviously not everything, but like I said, my mom and I are really close. Now I feel so stupid to have done that. Also, my dad was in the car and I know he does not like my T and I am kind of paranoid he will call her. TBH, I don't think that anything will happen, but it still worries me and makes me feel incredibily stupid for confiding to my mom about certain things that my T says. Like I said, I definetely don't tell my mom everything or even most of it, but I feel like it is my fault. Also, I do love my T very much and I feel kind of protective of her.
I just got so worried that I kind of shut down and let her talk about whatever she wanted to talk about just so she could forget about calling T. What makes it more complicated is that starting at the end of hte month my mom will be paying my T bills because I can't anymore because of my financial situation. IDK what to do. Obviously will not be talking to my mom anymore about T, I shouldn't have done it in the first place. But do I mention it to T? I don't want T to think I just freely talk about what goes on in our sessions to my mom or anything. IDK, advice please, it would be so appreciated right now.

Relax franki, T can't and won't discuss your sessions with your parents even if they are paying. I agree no more sharing with mom and dad about what T says. Those thoughts are for you, so when your mom minimized your situation, your inner voice should have said that to yourself to counter act the way your mom responded. Some people don't "get" therapy and I'm sure your dad hates T and mom was angry at the statement, because T is addressing your issues and your parents feel like she's blaming them. Which may or may not be true. Either way Therapy is for you, not them. Yes, I would tell T about this situation, on the off chance they do call her...she will have a heads up.

[stopdog]

I am not sure which part you are upset about, but if it is worrisome that you think your mother will call your therapist and that the therapist will talk to your mother - ask the therapist so they can reassure you they will not (they may not without your permission unless you are still a minor).

[franki_j]

I guess I just feel bad for talking about T to my mom and that on the very off chance that my mom does call T, she will say all this stuff about how I am so dependent on T and how I talk about T a lot.
I am actually not worried about my T saying anything (I am 24), I know that she is very proffesional and would never do that. I just feel like this is my fault, which it kind of is. I have to stop telling my mom so many things, and keep my sessions between T and I.
I also did not like the feeling of having to stop talking about what was bothering me because my mom threatened to call T and so I felt like she was blackmailing me, and I had to keep quiet and listen to what she wanted to talk about, because I was scared about her threat of calling T.

I think it's natural to talk about T ,it's a huge part of your life right now. It's natural to want to talk to those closest too you as well, but if your mom doesn't get it, she doesn't get it. In hindsight you could have left the " my T says " part out and just mentioned how your mom was hurting your feelings by trying to minialize your feelings regarding the bugs. My partner reacts the same way, so ive learned to drop the "T said" or i act like his suggestions were my idea... It works well, because she doesnt "get it". Don't spend this glorious day fretting about all this, be kind to yourself today.

[autotelica]

Instead of saying "My therapist says", maybe you can say, "I think you are..." As in, "I think you are minimizing my feelings." Or better yet, "I don't want to talk about this anymore because you aren't really helping me feel better."

I agree with you that you shouldn't be using your therapist in your arguments like that. Even the most gracious person would have a hard time hearing "My therapists says you do so-and-so!" and not getting defensive.

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by autotelica

I agree with you that you shouldn't be using your therapist in your arguments like that. Even the most gracious person would have a hard time hearing "My therapists says you do so-and-so!" and not getting defensive.

Yes, I agree with you, I think that is why I feel bad, b/c I feel like it is partially my fault. Definetely will be using this as a learning experience.

[Crescent Moon]

Although there is nothing to stop your mother from trying, your therapist would not be able to have a conversation with your mother. It is absolutely forbidden, unless you are a minor. Therapists are well trained in dealing with exactly this kind of thing.

[unaluna]

I think I was always talking about my T's to my family as a way of trying to convince them that I wasn't as bad as they thought, but (i realize now) that was a hopeless quest. that's why I would feel awkward about bringing it up to T. I was trying to make everybody happy, but my T wasn't buying my excuse. and excuse me, but your ma is kind of ignorant about bedbugs, from what i've read about them. i've never heard of anybody having to throw out their furniture or getting bitten in their sleep by cockroaches.

[layla11]

I would have been upset over the bed bugs, is different then roaches. Anyway, I know I paniced about my therapist a few times. About different things. One thing that helped me is the saying to thyne own self be true and the truth shall set you free. Just try to relax and not worry if she does call therapist, therapist can handle it. The truth is the truth and doesnt change.

((((Franki)))) I am so sorry this happened. I can relate in that my mother is (a) extremely emotionally invalidating, (b) my father does not believe in T at all and (c) financial dependency on parents that use their money more as a weapon than anything else.

As far as I can read, the only thing you did was share a valid concern to which your mother invalidated you, to which you used your T as a voice of "protection" to hopefully get through to her...to no avail.

Your parents are welcome to call your T; however, as an adult, your privacy is protected not only by a code of ethics, but also Federal law.

That said, people do not like to hear/know that we are speaking with them to our Ts. Especially if they are abusive, insecure or feel guilty. It is very uncomfortable for them and they get panicky. I believe that is why your mother (parents) laughed and / or threatened to intervene.

I agree with the others members that you can take what you learn with your T and use "I feel..." language in the future to protect yourself when you feel attacked and/or diminished. It is actually quite effective.

Bed bugs are a very real thing. And if you do, in fact, have an infestation, it would be wise to get rid of your current mattress and pillows and invest in a new bed. If that is not financially do-able, perhaps an air mattress will suffice until you are able to get something more comfortable.

I wish you the best. Try not to worry...work with your T on distancing yourself emotionally from people that emotionally invalidate you....if is very destructive.

Hugs to you, Rose

[franki_j]

Hello everyone thank you so much for all the replies. I do not have time to thank everyone individually, even though I've read all the responses, because I actually do think we have bed bugs.
My roomates just got two more bites and we threw away our entire couch. I am going out to buy a mattress cover now to save my mattress. I honestly want to cry. I want to tell my T, but I am scared she will think I am gross and not want me in her office b/c of the bed bugs.

Oh Franki....you are not gross. And you did nothing wrong. Good job taking care of yourself and trusting yourself
xxR

[Sannah]

Bedbugs bite 3 times so 2 bites aren't typical. You will also see blood stains on your mattress. I freaked out after a hotel stay once (I ended up having poison ivy). I researched it like crazy!

What struck me in your post was that you seem afraid of being tattled on?

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Bedbugs bite 3 times so 2 bites aren't typical. You will also see blood stains on your mattress. I freaked out after a hotel stay once (I ended up having poison ivy). I researched it like crazy!

What struck me in your post was that you seem afraid of being tattled on?

Thanks, Sannah, that makes me feel a little better, but the thing is is that they are in our building, so it's not unlikely that they would be in our apartment. When my roomates went to throw the couch away they saw another couch in the alley already there. We know there are bed bugs in the building b/c people have said things. Our landlord is an a**hole and a slumlord.
Yes, that worries me, about being tattled on. She is actually not going to call T because I 've talked to her since then and she's calmed down and is fine now, but I guess it would just be really embarrassing for me to have my mom call my T b/c I don't want my T thinking that I talk about her all the time or anything.
But like someone here said, T is a huge part of my life, and she is a very positive influence on me, so I enjoy sharing parts of that with my mom. I don't tell my mom everything about my life, like about my stripping or being sucidal at times, because I don't want to worry her, but in the past I have felt comfortable sharing things about T because she is so positive for me, so I enjoy sharing that. But I will not be doing that anymore.

Edit: I guess I don't want my T knowing that I share things she says with my mom because I do think that our sessions are private and special, and I don't want her to think that I am blabbing about them to my mom, especiall when T can be critical of my mom. And it would just be embarrassing for my mom to call T. Even though I really don't think she will, she was just mad at the time. But it still freaked me out.
Edit again: OK, I just told my roomate what Sannah said and she has bites in threes. I want to cry; I am so so embarrassed.

[unaluna]

please don't be embarrassed - people are picking them up on the bus here. how can you avoid that???

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by franki_j

it would just be really embarrassing for me to have my mom call my T b/c I don't want my T thinking that I talk about her all the time or anything.
But like someone here said, T is a huge part of my life, and she is a very positive influence on me, so I enjoy sharing parts of that with my mom. in the past I have felt comfortable sharing things about T because she is so positive for me, so I enjoy sharing that.

I guess I don't want my T knowing that I share things she says with my mom because I do think that our sessions are private and special, and I don't want her to think that I am blabbing about them to my mom, especiall when T can be critical of my mom.

And it would just be embarrassing for my mom to call T.

Would you feel like a kid if your mom called your T?

If you enjoy sharing with your mom then what is wrong with doing so?

There are alot of websites about getting rid of bedbugs.

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Would you feel like a kid if your mom called your T?

If you enjoy sharing with your mom then what is wrong with doing so?

There are alot of websites about getting rid of bedbugs.

Yes, I would feel like a kid, which is how I feel in T's office a lot of the time anyways, so if my mom called T it would be a million times worse.
I think that sharing my relationship with T is not good, because my T can be critical of my mom, and so then situations like this one arise. Also, I do feel like T and I's relationship is special and I am kind of feeling like talking about it too much will ruin the specialness.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by franki_j

Yes, I would feel like a kid, which is how I feel in T's office a lot of the time anyways, so if my mom called T it would be a million times worse.

This would be something good to work on in T. I'm thinking empowerment, emotional maturation, and boundaries?