Transferance??? So confused

I have been purplexed by the term transferance I really don't understand the term and when I read about feelings towards T's or older female GP in my case. I am gay and know she is exactly my type of woman but it is uncomfortable and dank. I am also a bit freaked that if i am suseptable to transferance does this mean there is a real possibility that if I had a male T I could become attacted to a man again if i did. The idea of this make me feel sick and unsettled. I have never had a male T but I am gonna freak if I get one.

What is the significance of being borderline for transferance to be so common.

When or how can you differenciate or identify a feeling as transferance or genuine lust.

Is it healthy or something that should be addressed?

Why is it so dirty and shameful, and i would be horrified if she knew but turns out she probably knows this and has known for ages. It is humiliating to think about.

Why is transferance humiliating, I don't understand why I feel so freak out by this information.

I'm going to try to help here...

At its very simplest, *transference* happens when a person subconsciously 'transfers' the experience they had with a significant person early in life (often parents) into their relationship with a significant person in their current life. Transference comes in a lot of shapes and sizes, and takes place in just about all relationships. It tends to cause trouble if, as an illustration, a little girl has a verbally abusive father, then she grows up and starts dating, but when the relationship gets close, her boyfriend might say something very innocent, but the girl misinterprets it because she expects men to view her and treat her as her father did. So.. the transference phenomena has the potential to screw up a lot of relationships.

In therapy it is especially common because:
1. People in therapy often experienced parental abuse or neglect that is now causing trouble in their adult relationships.. prompting them to get therapy, and
2. Therapeutic relationships are, by nature, very intimate and the relationship dynamics that cause problems in real life will ultimately play out in therapy.

There are lots of different 'types' of transference. Like I said - lots of sizes and shapes. It can have its roots in an early abusive relationship, or a neglectful relationship. In my case, I grew up with complete emotional abandonment and neglect. I also grew up being manipulated and abused by authority figures. So I have a couple of different things going on that have played out in therapy.

I think the important thing for you to know is that at least in the US, therapists are trained to expect transference, and know how to use it to the benefit of therapeutic progress. It doesn't matter what kind of transference it is. A good therapist will recognize it, and use it to the client's benefit. When it's done successfully, when it's all said and done, the client releases the therapist from the transference and is then able to independently prevent their earlier toxic relationships from interfering with current relationships. During the process, "corrective experiences" take place, wherein the therapist somewhat fills the role that has been transferred to them by the client, and provides a healthier alternative experience for the client to build on. To illustrate: Say a girl grows up with a totally emotionally unavailable parent who never gave the kid the time of day. So she grows into an adult who is very clingy, needing constant reassurance that she matters to the people who are important in her life. But it's really screwing up her relationships, because the clingy behavior is annoying to people, so they avoid her, which further reinforces the painful experience of her mother's emotional abandonment. So she ends up in therapy with an astute therapist who recognizes what's going on. The therapist deliberately allows herself to step in the role of 'mother figure,' and in therapy she is very attentive, gives the client lots of positive affirmation, and when the client comes in all excited.. telling T about some accomplishment.. T recognizes that it's no different than when the girl was 5 and tried to show her mom a fingerpainting.. but Mom ignored it.. crushing her little girl's heart.. and the girl's Mom was like that with everything. Nothing the little girl did was enough to get her Mom to validate her - to tell her - "Hey - you are amazing, and I love being your mother." So the therapist does now what the mother should have done back then. She is attentive and interested, asks probing questions that help the client elaborate on her self-pride.. and then with the warmest of smiles and joy in her eyes, she tells her client "You're just amazing! I'm so proud of you... and thank you so much for sharing that story with me!" The client walks out of there feeling something exquisite that she's never felt before. "I really matter to my therapist.. who really does think I'm special!" It develops from there.. and the therapist continues providing these "corrective experiences" ...and while that's going on the client feels toward her therapist like you would expect a little girl to feel toward her loving mother. And the client experiences healing through the expert handling of the transference dynamic. The client's developmental childhood need gets met - and the client grows out of the need for that kind of reassurance.. her neediness is greatly reduced and becomes much more mature.. and her 'real life' relationships improve.

That's a kind of simplistic example of a complex dynamic.. but that's kind of how it works, and it can be applied a million different ways to a million different kinds of things.


Transference is common in therapy anyway, but the transference with borderline is often much more intense, and it tends to have specific characteristics of neediness. Among other things, Borderlines are known for having an intense fear of abandonment, so the demands they place on the therapist can be extraordinary. My understanding is that there are specific therapeutic interventions that are used with Borderline patients that are designed to not wear out the therapist.

Transference can be, but is not usually, romantic/sexual. I think a lot of times romantic transference is just a matter of a particular client's developmental maturity. There is a particularly common transference where the therapist's devoted attention during that hour feels to the client as if it's a dream relationship. The client feels so good with the therapist, that they long for the therapist to become part of their daily life. They imagine that if they were married to the therapist, the therapist would provide the same dedicated affirmation and loving understanding that they provide one hour a week. This is not an uncommon transference, and therapists are usually on the look out for it so they can help the client get through it. What's important to know about feeling romantic toward the therapist, is that what takes place in the therapy room would not take place in a real-life relationship with the therapist. The therapist's friends and family don't get what you get in therapy. But a good therapist should be skilled at helping the client resolve that kind of transference, which the client has usually experienced in many previous relationships... by expecting to be rescued by a lover.. expecting romantic relationships to be wholly perfect all the time.. becoming disillusioned when their partner turns out to have their own needs, or demonstrates their imperfect human nature. Therapy is a good place to work through that kind of arrested development thing.

Transference is healthy, and therapists are trained to use it therapeutically. Even the unrealistic romantic transference can be used. But that that kind of transference will not (or definitely should not) lead to that 'need' being met.

If you were to talk candidly about it: "you know I'm gay.. and this relationship has worked so well for me that I've been struggling with feeling attracted to you and I don't know what to do about it." That kind of honesty should bring out your therapists highest level of compassion. She will make sure you don't feel shamed about it, and sometimes just putting it out there on the table dramatically stops it from feeling so acute. You do not need to feel humiliated or ashamed. And don't be horrified about it. Trust me.. properly trained therapists expect it to show up frequently in their clients.


It might feel humiliating because you haven't been sure if you're the only one feeling it.. and because it can make us feel quite vulnerable. Add that to rejection issues, and I'm sure you can understand why you'd feel high anxiety about it. My advise would be for you to talk to her about it, as plainly and simply as possible. Just straightforwardly put it on the table. Just tell her you're struggling with feeling attracted, and it feels very awkward to you, and you don't know what to do with it. I can just about guarantee you'll walk out of there feeling MUCH better!

When you transfer your feelings to your therapist (which is pretty much unavoidable), you bring those feelings into a place where they can be worked through in safety.

Crescent Moon, that was simply the best explanation of transference I have ever read and it actually explained a lot more than most articles do...Just wanted to say thank you

My pleasure, Button30 . I was worried it was overly long... but some things just can't be explained in a few words.

[quote=Crescent Moon;2497452]I'm going to try to help here...

Hello,

Thank you very much for taking the time to write that and your example was bob on, and it is the first time the concept has made sense for me and it has given me a lot to think about.

so the demands they place on the therapist can be extraordinary.
I have to admit I am very guilty of this and turn to my GP and depend on her far too much and my anxiety about it is troubling me. I have developed an intense fear of loosing her. I try to dismiss BPD but by admitting my behaviour on here is hammering home just how much i scream of it. I thought that because I don't do this to friends or family.

I have had relationships and I have fallen intensely, unhealthily and I have craved to find someone who loves me and I want them. My partners have always made me feel inadequate and were not afraid to tell me that they would not be with me forever. I allowed them to treat me like crap. Maybe this is why now i have found my GP and she has never let me down and always been there when i call. In 3 years she still lets me call when ever I need and she will always call within a few hours. I have never had anyone prioratise my needs and I feel she does this. This has given me a new way of thinking on this. Again Thank you!! It has been going round and round like a stuck record.

Therapy is a good place to work through that kind of arrested development thing.

Arrested development - this is an unfamiler term to me.

Transference is healthy, and therapists are trained to use it therapeutically. Even the unrealistic romantic transference can be used. But that that kind of transference will not (or definitely should not) lead to that 'need' being met.

Totally agree with that, for her protection I am a fruit loop and I know it is unrealistic and harbour no illusion it would ever happen. For one she is married to a stud Dr with a toddler.

If you were to talk candidly about it: "you know I'm gay.. and this relationship has worked so well for me that I've been struggling with feeling attracted to you and I don't know what to do about it." That kind of honesty should bring out your therapists highest level of compassion.

I think this is certainly an approach I could try but it feels beyound me at the moment. My fear of loosing her are too great, it would be more distructive for me at the moment if she pulled away. I am going through a bad time at the moment but it is accepting my illness I guess and it is something I will have to address at some point or I will be doomed to repeat the pattern.

I can just about guarantee you'll walk out of there feeling MUCH better!

It must be liberating to admit and taking ownership of it, it feels like a taboo but by outing it, like when i came out I was very lucky and not one person took issue to it in work and home. I wonder if it would be like that.... hummm a lot to think about. But my fear will keep my mouth shut for now, if it went wrong it would be the last straw.

Is anyone able to share how their T reacted when you told them? and how you went about telling her/him?

This! This, this, this! Thank you. This is so relevant to me right now.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack! Minefield I feel your pain. I'm not sure, but I think being borderline may increase transference issues... in that if you haven't had the 'good enough' parenting and haven't attached securely as an infant (I think emotional neglect is considered a factor in why people may become borderline), it may affect how you attach to people as an adult... I think the insecure attachment probably throws up some transference issues - like when wanting the T to fulfill that 'good mother' role means being needy or clingy, or reacting badly when she doesn't... I think romantic transference, etc, may also be more intense if you're borderline because of the strong attachment issues, tendency to form intense but stormy relationships... Just from what I've read and been trying to understand in my own case

Arrested development refers to some part of emotional, social, intellectual development that is interrupted at some point during childhood/adolescence, and stops.. the person seems to be forever stuck in that state of maturity. A classic example is, for example, boys who grow up with mothers that insist on babying them and never require them to accept responsibility for their behavior. Mom makes excuses and blames others when her son gets caught in misbehavior. So as an adult - this young man may be brilliant and talented, but he still hasn't learned how to own his choices - so his development toward maturity was "arrested" and stopped progressing.

Does that help?

Also note, there can be a different experience.

"So the therapist does now what the mother should have done back then. She is attentive and interested, asks probing questions that help the client elaborate on her self-pride.. and then with the warmest of smiles and joy in her eyes, she tells her client "You're just amazing! I'm so proud of you... and thank you so much for sharing that story with me!" The client walks out of there feeling something exquisite that she's never felt before. "I really matter to my therapist.. who really does think I'm special!" It develops from there.. and the therapist continues providing these "corrective experiences" ...and while that's going on the client feels toward her therapist like you would expect a little girl to feel toward her loving mother. And the client experiences healing through the expert handling of the transference dynamic. The client's developmental childhood need gets met - and the client grows out of the need for that kind of reassurance.. her neediness is greatly reduced and becomes much more mature.. and her 'real life' relationships improve."

The above has never been my experience from the client side. When the therapist does the above it is horrible to me. It has been horrible for two years. I have finally read a couple of books that talk about clients for whom this is aversive rather than non-aversive.

I am gay and I have a male T who is around my age, the transference I experience with him is more of a buddy thing, hes pretty good looking and I'm not saying it didn't cross my mind but, ultimately I'm gay ... I wanna meet him for beers, or punch him in the arm when hes being a smart ***. I suspect if it were an older Male T , it would be more of a father thing for me. The older woman I saw , it was a mommy thing. So, just like Crescent said, transference comes in many forms.

Yes, again...just to reenforce what everyone has said...its all just not always just a sexual transference. I'm 33 and my T is 47. So, when I am mad at her or when I don't exactly what I need from her-that is transference and I know its my mom issues getting in the way. If you have a good T-then T will work on with you and eventually you will be able to stop and think. Oh, This really has nothing to do with the T but more just underlying stuff.

It's weird for me. T is a male who is just a few years older than me. I am straight, but there is no sexual attraction, not even a little. He is more like a buddie, or brother. I don't transfer a father image to him at all either. So, it isn't a substitution for a prior relationship to me.

I had a similar experience and was finally able to risk sharing with my T - it was a great healing opportunity for me. If you ever feel up to you, you may want to discuss it with her.

Thank you everyone this has been such a helpful thread for me.

Crescent moon - you are really good at explaining things you express yourself brillently!!! I get what you mean now about arrested development how we should have learnt these skills but our lessons were stopped or had very bad teachers so we remain ignorant to the skills. There are a lot of lessons I feel i never got of completed, it is bizzare who looking at myself to see if a term fits you how it can make thigs pop up that i had never realised.
Thank you guys for the reasurrance that just because its sexual transference with one it can take a different shape with another it reduces my panic a little also to see how it might actually be a vital step in my recovery to admit and acknowledge transference that it in itself hightlights an area of my brain is subconciously pointing to something thats needs addressing and resolving as part of this recovery process.
I am in and out of crisis all the time at the moment, so don't feel it is appropriate timing as i have enough on my plate without adding an issue that although has been giving me disturbing thoughts which you guys have helpped to bring in control a little i feel if i add this ontop i will explode or detract attention to a subject I am reluctant to explore openly with them. Although to know that it does not have to end badly and can actually be used as an aid is really reasurring. I might ask my GP if she things i have transferred to her and in what context does she think it comes in, I am intreagued to know if she is aware of it. I will speak to her on Thursday on the
phone so I might bring it up I will let you know if I do.

Thanks again everyone bob on with this one.

To be sure, Stopdog, clients can have different ways of feeling about things. That's why it's so important to have a therapist who pays attention to the client's needs. Now - I have to tell ya - I was extremely attachment-avoidant when I started therapy with my current therapist. She decided early on that I had issues with attachment, and talked ot me frequently about it. I pushed it all away for a long time. The attachment snuck up on me - I'd sure have never let it in if I saw it at the door. I also don't necessarily think any ole therapist would have been able to pull it off successfully with me. Mine just happened to be a perfect fit - she had great instincts, and knew how to follow my lead - and how to not push too hard. Last week when I was with her, I was talking about my work. I work in healthcare at a pediatric hospital. My patients are hospitalized for up to a week for monitoring. A parent has to be with them 24/7, and I monitor their brain activity for 12 hours at a time, for several days. So I told my therapist that the (surprisingly) thing I love most about my work is the relationship I develop with my patients and their families. She said "You mean you get attached to them?" Then she laughed and reminded me of our early conversations about it - copying how I use to ask "So.. what *is* attachment? What does it look like?" cause I had no clue.

So Stopdog.. I do know what you're saying.. and the human race falls along a wide spectrum of likes to get very attached... all the way to those who are hermits. So my message is speaking to the chunk of people that fall in the middle 80%, and I'm probably on the hermit end of that 80% middle

It doesn't have to be a transference of a prior relationship - it can also be transference of what we wish we had... our dreams for a type of person. Mine has turned out to be a parental transference - she's sometimes the mother I never had - and sometimes the father I never had. Gosh - it's been going on long enough now that I'll be she's sometimes the sister I never had!

Thank you crescent for such a great and understandable explanation of transference. I knew my t was using it in a vague-knowing sort of way, but now I can see quite clearly how she's using it to help me. I am so impressed with how helpful transference can be in the right hands. It's amazing to me this entire therapy process. Wow!!

It's my pleasure, artemis. I learned what I learned about it by necessity. I had very, very negative transference with my first therapist, and he had no idea what he was doing and he fell into countertransference. It took me apart until I nearly completely disintegrated... then I landed in the office of my current therapist who lovingly and skillfully helped me put myself back together.


For me, understanding it has helped me trust it. It doesn't take away the magic for me to be aware of how it works. Rather, it has allowed me (ever the distrustful skeptic) to relax into the process... and it has changed my life.