Do you feel like your T REALLY cares about you?

Break the rules how?

I have no idea. Sometimes it seems like he does, but maybe he's just doing the T thing? You know, building a relationship? I wish I knew.

It doesn't really matter how. Just prove that I'm more important than the rules.

My former T absolutely cares about me. I've quoted her in other posts about when she's told me how she cares about me, that I'm important to her, that she's invested in me, that she wants to best for me, how she gets angry when I'm stuck in my problems and won't move on, etc. Plus I could always tell from her actions that she genuinely cares. She's wonderful and I miss her greatly

hmmm. I think breaking the rules kind of turns me off. Everyone is different though.

when I was doing nails, I wasn't exactly doing it for the money, cos I was living with my mom and wasn't really making enough money to make a difference. so for me it was more about being out of the house. but I have always cared about doing a good job for my clients, whether it was polishing nails or writing programs. it didn't matter if our politics were the same, or if I wore denim and they wore polyester, or age differences - there is just something about someone putting their trust in you to do a piece of work for them - I guess it could even go down to paying the neighbor kid five bucks to shovel your snow - but yeah, if it's consistent, the kid can start to think of you as "theirs" - an attachment can form. I'm back to The Little Prince again, ain't I? sorry!

What do you mean by this, CantExplain? "Breaking the rules" sounds like an ethical violation, but I take it you probably mean it in a different way? Because, in other cases, clients will "test" the T to see if the T is "safe" by making sure that the T WILL NOT break the rules. I can't think of instance off-hand where it would be "good" when a T breaks the rules... but maybe you have one?

In my case, my T is definitely flexible, which I think is a good thing. She knows that what works for some, does not work for all. She doesn't use "cookie cutter" strategies, she has different boundaries for different clients depending on the circumstances, and she goes "above and beyond" like allowing a phone session when she is on vacation when I'm in a bad spot or telling me "I know you have X going on, I've been thinking about you this week."

Not at all. It can be something simple like going over time.

It has come up in my sessions. Spent a good while discussing it. I told her that it was a 'paid for' relationship.. not really real. Anytime she tried to convey that she cared for me, I told her that I could 'care' about just about anyone for a fee. She went at it a bunch of different ways, but there was absolutely NO way I was ever going to believe that she cared about me in any kind of a meaningful way. I'm not even sure what happened that penetrated the iron-clad wall I had with respect to that. I think it may have been that at some point I realized that my refusing to see that she cared hurt her.. and she stayed in there. She never turned me away. Her care for me continued to flow out of her; my rejection of her did not dissuade her. She never stopped caring. Even though I was a stone. For a long time.

Thank goodness it finally dawned on me that the money I gave her was not buying her heart. I paid for the hour, but I didn't have to pay for the spot in her heart where she put me and carried me around with her. It didn't pay for the time she spent out-of-session contemplating how to reach me.. how to pull me up out of the pit I was in.

Eventually, the absolute steadiness of her care broke down my wall, and I could no longer prop up my insistence that she couldn't possibly *really* care.

She cares. She REALLY cares. And my paying for her time has nothing to do with it.

>>> Do you feel like your T REALLY cares about you?

Yes.

No.

Definitely, yes.

Definitely, not.

I don't know.

I can't tell.

well.....Maybe.

Preferably not.

Or maybe, in a way.

I don't know.

I don't know, and she's never going to help me with it.
there, that's my real and final answer. I think!! perfectly serious tks for the thread

I think of breaking the rules as things like going over time when he senses I need the extra time or giving me his home phone number before an event he knew was going to be very, very difficult and triggering for me, so I would be able to get hold of him if I needed him. I know he doesn't do that all the time and it's little things like that that tell me he genuinely cares.

There are still boundaries, though, which keep us both safe.

I keep forgetting the real reason I believe she cares.

I've seen the tears in her eyes.

I feel like she really cares, yes. Within all the proper boundaries of course, but she cares. Yes. I guess most of all because, she has taken the time and energy to really get to know ME - even when I was still hiding most of who I am from her. And oh my goddess the patience that woman has with me - amazing - she hasn't given up and just shouted at me "this is what it means dummy!" not even once - she always always lets me figure things out on my own. Which makes it so much more meaningful for me, even though I bet it frustrates the heck outta her. The only boundary that's ever been an issue is the time. We get so involved in talking about stuff even she forgets to look at the clock and we run over a little, usually not more than 5 mins though. Like today.

... and tears. thank you for reminding me CE. I've seen tears in my t's eyes too.

Told her that last time I visited, that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be successful, or that I will do anything important in my life. Her response was, "I don't have too much difficulty remembering my clients, and I think about them all a great deal. But you are the type of person, I will never forget. It's a difficult position for me to be in [being my therapist], because I would very much like to be your friend outside of the clinical setting. You will do great things, because of who you are."

That confirmed it for me.

Your T sounds supportive and really wonderful.

No, i don't think so. i just started therapy and why should she care?

i am also not sure i want her to care, mostly because i probably wont believe it.

i think she might care that i "do well," but not care about me.... if that makes sense.

I really envy all the people who know for sure that their Ts care for them. There are so many ways it shows, not only in words and actions. I wish I could say the same for my t. Maybre he does, and I'm just not getting it. But he's very nice and seems to be there for me.

I feel like he doesn't anymore but everyone here says he does. I guess it's my mind messing with me. I gues he shows through his actions he does.

I'm the only client he sees 2x a week. I'm the client he takes on walks. I'm the only client that he schedules a phone call with when he goes away on vacation. I have by far the most email/ text privledges. He hasn't given up on me and said he never would. He said if my insurance ever ran out he would continue to see me for free. He's always been super supportive of my goals. He's always told me how much he cares. He told me if I ever emailed him in distress and he didn't see it and something happened to me he would be devastated.

I guess he does. Maybe this is just a rough patch?

I really feel like my new T cares, she was so sincere in only our second session that I really believed her when she said awhhh Button I am so sorry this has happened to you(about my mother) You really need to get away from all of this and she helped me make a plan incase I have to move out suddenly, she was so kind and told me she had children and would never treat them like that. I nearly cried.

Re: Do you feel like your T REALLY cares about you?

...... no

WePow, what's going on? I thought you and your T were pretty solid? I haven't seen you around here much lately, either. Want to tell us about it? If not, that's okay, but please know we're concerned about you.

I know mine does. Her comments and small gestures, such as offering me candy to ease my anxiety, tell me that she does. In an email she wrote, “I often thought of you after I last saw you and how we did not meet your needs very well.”

We refers to psychiatry.

She counseled me for few years when I was a teenager. At the time, success was limited due to my reluctance to trust. Misdiagnosis made me very wary of psychiatrists, but there was something about this one. We parted ways over a decade ago, and when we did, she told me to contact her if I ever needed anything. Earlier this year, I started seeing her again.

My T says WE a lot too.. like "We now understand a little more about this..."
So glad to hear you are back in touch!!