[adel34]

Hi Everyone,
Though I got a good night's sleep today was still really bad. I woke up with the feeling that everything is just too hard. I had the thought that I'm just not sure that I can do this, the day program. It's like all day I had the feeling that I just couldn't see dragging myself to groups several times a week and participating. I say I need help not isolating, and yet I spend so much time in my apartment and shy away from people maybe I'm just not ready for change.
Part of me just wonders if I should suck it up and try and find a job. Just call blind services and the lighthouse (an organization that does job training/ payed internship for the blind) and get started with that. I hadn't wanted to until I was feeling better but really when will that be? But again I just can't imagine myself dragging myself to work day in and day out trying to figure out all the norms and rules there, acting like a normal girl, not wanting to cry or almost crying over every little stressful thing. It's just too exhausting! All I really want to do is just stay in my room and sleep the days away, because it's easier than dealing with life. And I know I can so easily do that living here because the staff just don't care. But that's just not much of a life.
I did finally hear back from a place where I had an intake for a t, and I have an intern I can work with. Finally! I'm hoping to set something up for next Tuesday. At least there's that.
I don't know what to do about this day program. I don't think I can do it, you know, go to groups, set goals with my caseworker apply for medicare all of it. She is planning on coming over tomorrow at quarter of nine to head to the social security office with my letter and photo ID to try and apply. She planned this without double checking with me, since I was sleeping/not wanting to check e-mail or answer the phone most of the day. She told me to leave her a mesage or e-mail if it's not. Which I think I will, just tell her I don't want to, that I'm not in a place to do that right now. Plus I was looking online and realized that you have to pay for medicare. It's like a regular insurance, like I have the money to do that! So who knows?
I had wanted to go to a day program because of the structure, and wht I thought I would get out of it with the different groups, and also to meet and hopefully develop friendships with others going through similar stuff. But again I say I want this but I'm pulling away even more, so maybe I don't. So maybe I'll go for the blind services thing. At least if I even look like I'm going for a job I'll look on the outside better than I'm feeling and people will be proud of me. I just worry, as I have this whole time, about screwing something up/ being able to keep my emotional issues in check at work, handling the pressure of it day in and day out. My only work experience has been internships that last only a few months and then I can move on.
I've been reading this Chickens soup for the teenage soul tough times book or something, I think that's what it's called. There were many many stories so far about teens with various mental illness, eating disorders, Depression, OCD, PTSD, anxiety ETC. The stories always seemed to go like this,"Here's how my illness started. It got worse and worse, and more andmore out of control. I might have even attempted suicide. But then magically I had this moment where I realized I needed to take this into my own hands. And within six months to a year I was completely better!" That's really how it went. Some went to counseling for a time, (no where near as long as any of us on here) or took medication for a time. There was really only one story of someone still being on meds by the end of the story. It's like they get better, and that's it. They're illness it seems is gone and they carry on as normal. Who are these people? Are they for real? What do you all think?
They made me feel even worse about myself and how badly I'm feeling right now. Sorry to go on and on.

[autotelica]

Things are always much worse in our ruminations that they end up being.

I always balk about taking a new med. I'll go to my shrink, he'll give me a prescription, and then I start reading about all the horrible side-effects and say to myself it's not worth it. But I always seem to forget the obvious: I can always stop taking the drug if my nightmares come true. Even if I take just one pill, at least I tried. But if I don't, then I'll never know if my fears are warranted.

The things you don't feel like doing anymore? Those are your meds. Go to one group session and see how it is. If it sucks, you can always stop.

The depression is distorting your perceptions. Please don't succumb.

[adel34]

Hi Autotelica,
Thanks for your support. It's funny you mention about meds, because I'm just that way! I'm only on two meds, but my pdoc had to keep telling me they were ok in order for me to take them. I'm thinking about switching meds, because Zoloft obveously isn't doing it, at least not at this dose, but am scared of anything else because I've only ever been on zoloft and tenex both with like no side-effects at all at least for me.
Well I already e-mailed and left a mesage for the caseworker, saying no to applying for medicare and explaining why, and that in general I don't think I'm up for this program right now. I feel like I've been making decisions so impulsively lately I hope it's the right thing. Normally I'd have my t, (or two of them in the case of last year, VMT and school counseling intern) to talk things out with once or twice a week, and with e-mail contact if needed as well. And I'd also have friends from home. Well friends from home bailed on me, and I haven't had a t in months. It's hard to decide stuff all on your own.
Maybe I'll have a clearer perspective after a session with this new t next week. It's been so long since I've had someone's undivided and scincere attention on me and how I'm feeling. It has to do some good.

I wish you lived closer so I could give you a real hug. I think you should keep your appointment even if you don't want to. A short foray ut into the world might make you feel better. And even if it doesn't, at least youll have gotten something done.

[adel34]

Hi Tentative connection,
Thanks about wishing we lived closer so you could give me a real hug! That's sweet. I also wish I lived closer so I could maybe work with your t or she could refer me to someone just like her! (smile)
Unfortunately I canceled the appointment as I said. But I will do stuff tomorrow. Hopefully call blind services and get a caseworker there, make sure I have the t appointment set up for next week, stuff like that. Hopefully things will be better then.

[growlycat]

It takes a long time to get better, those books are bs. Give yourself a break and take care of yourself first, other stuff will fall in line later.

[Crescent Moon]

Adel -

I was in what my therapist calls my "cave" for a long time. Depression had whittled me down to that. From the beginning, she pushed for me to get more involved socially. She didn't care what I did, as long as I did it with people.

I resisted like you wouldn't believe. Finally, quite by circumstance, I was forced to go back to school. My therapist nearly choked when she found out I was taking all my classes online, and then she celebrated when I had to eventually take on-campus classes.

She kept telling me that the answer to my depression abating was social interaction. I had the hardest time imagining it. But she was right. Absolutely right. I had to take it at a very slow pace, but I have finally returned to a nearly fully functioning person.

So the day program will provide social interaction for you.. and I think it might be a good idea to stick with it. You don't have to 'feel' like it. Just do it.

Hoping the best for you..

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by adel34

I've been reading this Chickens soup for the teenage soul tough times book or something [...] The stories always seemed to go like this,"Here's how my illness started. It got worse and worse, and more andmore out of control. I might have even attempted suicide. But then magically I had this moment where I realized I needed to take this into my own hands. And within six months to a year I was completely better!" [...] It's like they get better, and that's it. They're illness it seems is gone and they carry on as normal. Who are these people? Are they for real? What do you all think?
They made me feel even worse about myself and how badly I'm feeling right now. .

(((((((((((((((((((( adel )))))))))))))))))) there are Weight Watchers meetings, and then there are Weight Watchers meetings for people who have a significant amount to lose. It is not inspiring, it is actually discouraging, for one such person to sit in a room full of bright young things who whine about having to lose three pounds.

by which I intend to say, maybe "chicken soup" etc is not the book for you; please don't beat yourself up because you don't heal completely in six months. Every case is different, every single person, and circumstance, is unique. Even if those case histories were true (and you will never know), there is no reason their stories would be anything like yours. Or mine. Etc. But if you work on your own issues, even though it's hard, and are careful to take credit for growth and healing when it occurs, you become an inspiring story for someone else.

about the job... I like your thinking, why wait "until you feel better" - if you start now, and it doesn't work out, you haven't lost anything; and if it helps you with having a goal, a schedule, responsibilities, and accomplishments - you know, that's a lot of benefits.

Good luck! let us know how you go

[unaluna]

yes, you have to pay for medicare, but if you meet certain income requirements, you can get assistance to pay for it. so it may be worth your while to apply.