[rainboots87]

This will be long and kinda rambley. So, I've met with my new T twice. Once was more informal and a couple days ago was an actual appt, though there was still a lot of beginning get-to-know-you kinda stuff. She seems really kind and has a lot of experience and i'm really interested in the bodywork stuff she does, especially since my last T recommended I try somatic experiencing. I'm not sure how honest and open I feel I can be with her though.

With my last T (let's call her K), I had a few group appts with her and was impressed right off the bat and KNEW I wanted to work with her. In the first individual appt (a couple months later), I was able to dive right in and share some really personal stuff. Later in our work, I even shared with her something I hadn't ever told anyone or even admitted to myself that it had happened and she was so wonderful about it. I grew very attached to K, even more than my other long term T (finished with that one when I moved. I'll call her S). I've had quite a few other Ts in the past 5.5 years (somewhere between 5 and 10) who I did not get attached to, including about 3-ish Ts who I worked with for an entire semester or so.

Recently, I've realized that the two Ts I attached to were of similar age (about 10ish yrs older than me) and are women I really admire and look up to. I never had desired them to be my mother or lover or anything, but I they were/are people I would like to be friends with and women I'd like to emulate. Obviously that will never happen, of course.

I remember very little of my work with those other Ts, both the ones I was fairly stable with and the ones I was super depressed with. With S and K, I became quite attached and after a few months, began to contact them between sessions (mostly when in distress). With both, I also had to endure maternity leaves, aka no contact for months, and grieve the loss of the relationship due to me moving/terminating.

Part of me thinks it will be good to have a T who I will NOT get so attached to, as this woman is quite a bit older and not quite someone I'd idealize. She is perfectly nice and seems competent and knowledgeable. Having worked with so many therapists, however, I know I did my best work and grew the most with the therapists I felt that attachment to. Though, there were some times when I needed more space to grow (less frequency). I can't think of hardly anything from therapy the other Ts, except for one very difficult yet enlightening session with a student clinician. I'd rather not get attached and I'll give this new lady a chance, but I'm not sure how I feel about her just yet. I can't picture myself ever contacting her between sessions, but then again it might be best for me to try to deal with things on my own more. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here- mostly getting my thoughts out of my head so I can look at them. Any thoughts from y'all?

[CantExplain]

Attachment is painful but productive.
If you can bear it, the rewards are very great.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by rainboots87

however, I know I did my best work and grew the most with the therapists I felt that attachment to. Though, there were some times when I needed more space to grow (less frequency). I can't think of hardly anything from therapy the other Ts, except for one very difficult yet enlightening session with a student clinician. I'd rather not get attached and I'll give this new lady a chance, but I'm not sure how I feel about her just yet. I can't picture myself ever contacting her between sessions, but then again it might be best for me to try to deal with things on my own more. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here- mostly getting my thoughts out of my head so I can look at them. Any thoughts from y'all?

I think you answered your own question.

You know you need to be attached to do your best work in therapy.

The other comment I'll make, though, is that in the beginning I would not have imagined getting attached to the therapist I have either. I have no idea how it happened.. but the attachment that eventually developed allowed things to happen that have changed my life forever.

So - don't over-analyze the relationship in the beginning. Just be *in* it. You may eventually decide that it's not going to work, but first give it time. You just never know

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

I think you answered your own question.

You know you need to be attached to do your best work in therapy.

The other comment I'll make, though, is that in the beginning I would not have imagined getting attached to the therapist I have either. I have no idea how it happened.. but the attachment that eventually developed allowed things to happen that have changed my life forever.

So - don't over-analyze the relationship in the beginning. Just be *in* it. You may eventually decide that it's not going to work, but first give it time. You just never know

Thanks I think I'm kinda afraid of getting attached again plus I'm not sure about the chemistry with this new T. But I'll definitely give her a chance and see where things go.

[autotelica]

Even though your therapist is so much older than you doesn't mean you won't attach to her. It may mean you will attach in a different way than you're used to. Like you, I don't have mommy issues. So my attachment doesn't fall along those lines.

I didn't think I'd attach to my therapist when I started. I didn't even know that attachment was a thing when I started. I just thought it was only important to like someone, and I figured she was likeable enough.

[rainboots87]

I think part of my experience with older therapists has been feeling sorta like I'm being scolded by my mother or something. I don't get that sense with this woman, though. Honestly, I have no idea how to read her yet.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by rainboots87

Thanks I think I'm kinda afraid of getting attached again plus I'm not sure about the chemistry with this new T. But I'll definitely give her a chance and see where things go.

It's important to know that attachment doesn't (or at least shouldn't) happen quickly. A therapist must earn the privilege. Really. So don't rush yourself. If it's going to happen, it will be provoked by little bitty things your therapist does week in and week out that makes you feel very cared for - understood, etc.

And if at some point with this new therapist you start feeling like it's not going to work, then find another one!