Part 2

I am such an idiot! I called my therapist earlier this week to ask for a session. I was fine after he didn't call and had written it off. My therapist said, we can't meet, termination is just that, termination. I have your referrals. It's like it is starting all over again. I haven't chosen to be a loser and my self hatred is boiling over and I have lost all of my will or inclination to try to get better as things keep happening that bring me back over and over again. I ask for it, too. I felt like I had made progress earlier, today was so draining. My therapist told me after I left, the door was always open. Promises were made by him that he didn't keep, and I intend to do the same. He is a jackass.

I don't take that as you being an idiot ... he said the door was open then kept it shut when you tried to take him up on that promise; that part is his failing, not yours

it sounds to me like that is his fault, not yours.

I think you got this right. YOU are not an idiot. HE set the expectation and then changed it. That's not your problem, it's his.

That sucks how he said "the door's open" and then his door was closed. Sometimes you just feel like shaking them and yelling "MAKE UP YOUR MIND!"

Strange. My T insists on four termination sessions. (They didn't help.)

I had to terminate with my first therapist because he became my (not immediate, but close enough) colleague. It really wasn't like starting over with my second T. I just sort of started where I was, and although there might have been times when I had to fill her in (like explain the significant people in my life), it was really pretty seamless.

I didn't want to do it (to see another T), but it turned out better than I could have imagined. When I went back to therapy this most recent time, I had moved across the country and so I began with a new T.

You start where you are. A good place to start would be to talk about how terrible this termination process is. You need the support, please consider finding a new T. I know it's hard, I still remember a T or two I interviewed who I thought were scarily bizarre and awful.

Talking to my new T about termination really helped. I know it is hard to consider a new therapist, but it could really help.

I will try. Lola, can you tell me how your therapist helped you recognize that it was HagTs ego problem and not yours? I'm OCDing at the moment because I can't stop ruminating about how I've ruined everything, it is my fault, T terminated me because he hated me just like he hated whoever he was projected on me. I am trying to call therapists but who the **** knows if anything will come of that. Maybe everybody has heard about me and wants nothing to do with me. Probably.

Dear exT,

My apologies. I see now that when you said that the door is *always* open, you meant that the door is *never* open. I was not aware of that alternative interpretation. Thank you for enlightening me.

F*** yourself,
Antimatter

Hi Antimatter,
This is terrible! I know it's hard but in a way be glad you're not working with this guy. He sounds awful! Tos say the door's open and it's not, talk about a good way to betray someone.
Please find a really good t for yourself, that can help you process this. It isn't your fault!

lol, I just love the way you expressed this! I guess sending a letter is not crossing a boundary?

Dear MachiavellixT,

My apologies. I see now that when you said I would be the one who would decide when to leave, you meant that *you* would be the one who would decide when I left. I see now that all of your rantings about hating me projecting, were times that I could have counterranted about your countertransference -I'm not your mother. I see now that when we decided that you would not use manipulative techniques because I told you that it would be damaging, that you never intended to keep your word and used manipulative techniques that were damaging. I see now that when you said that when I left the doors would always be open, that you meant that they *never* would be open. I see now that when you said that you were terminating me because it was ethically sound, that you weren't terminating me in an ethical manner, no matter whether it is in the code or not.

You see, now I can't trust anyone, and if you want to ask, "Did I do this to you?", you absolutely did, and if you want to call it transference to make yourself feel better, feel free. Even if this happened in the past, it absolutely also happened now. I paid for you to do this to me and did nothing to stop it. The fact that you won't see me another session so I can have some kind of closure is repulsive. You called me childish yet you fail to act like an adult by owning what is yours.

**** you,
Antimatter

How is that? thanks!