Gay/lesbian Ts

Yes, in my experience as a lesbian client, having a gay (actually, she's bi) therapist has made a SIGNIFICANT difference. With my previous straight therapist, she didn't understand my experience AT ALL. She routinely said very ignorant things (like "Now that you're gay, be careful about AIDS!"-- when, obviously, lesbians are at the LOWEST risk for HIV; she asked me if I was "sure" I was a lesbian because I'm so feminine and pretty; then, she pressured me to come out before I was ready because she didn't understand the ramifications of coming out). Another problem was that she didn't understand any of the terminology or culture. For instance, she didn't understand that, as a femme, I could be attracted to other femmes and she didn't understand terms like "lipstick lesbian," stone butch," "baby dyke," "gold star," "U-hauling," "pillow princess," etc . I want to walk in, say I'm a gold star lipstick lesbian, and have my T know what I'm talking about. I also want my T to get it when I say "I'm so sick of my straight girlfriends suddenly asking if they can 'experiment' with me" and "I'm so sick of being told I'm 'too pretty' to be gay" and "I'm so sick of guys thinking they can change me!" and "I'm so sick of feeling like the world isn't made for me; I'm so sick of feeling profoundly different." If I have to use my precious therapy time explaining the most basic things to my T, then I'm not really getting my therapy. Moreover, how can I relate to someone who doesn't understand me at all? How can she give me useful advice when she doesn't understand my situation? It makes such a HUGE difference when my T can say back to me: "I know! That drives me crazy too!" Instead of making me feel profoundly difference once again-- because I have to explain lesbian life to my T-- it makes me feel connected and not alone. It makes me feel like, finally, someone understands; she's like me and she's on my side. It also makes a huge difference when I want to talk about sex. If you haven't had lesbian sex, it's a little hard to talk about it. It's awesome when I can say "I'm not into X, but it seems like so many women are" and T can say "I know what you mean! I'm not into X either." It makes me feel like I can talk to her about everything. I have absolutely nothing against the straight community; most of my friends and family members are straight. And, quite frankly, as a very feminine woman, I often tend to fit in better in the straight community. However, when it comes to a T, so much of my life revolves around my lesbian identity that I really feel I need a bi/lesbian T. That commonality of experience makes a HUGE difference.

It's really disappointing to hear that you have such a negative view of gay women. There are so many amazing gay women out there (myself included ). I think this may be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy-- if you feel negatively towards gay women and you think that being gay sucks, then that means you are harboring self-hatred-- and if you put that negative energy out there, you're only going to attract negative energy in return (hence, attracting sociopaths!) In order for you to attract a higher caliber of woman, you have to FIRST work on your own negative feelings towards gay women (including yourself). Until you can overcome your negative feelings about being gay, you're not ready to be in a partnership. To even try to date a woman before you've dealt with this (in my opinion) would be setting yourself (and her) up for a bad outcome. In fact, this is the reason my last relationship ended. She was where you are-- she had negative feelings about gay women and about herself and was not ready to examine and overcome them-- I kept thinking that I could help her do that and then we'd have a wonderful relationship-- but she wasn't ready for that. That's something she had to do, on her own, at her pace. It was pretty heartbreaking for me, but I had to learn that when someone harbors that kind of negativity (and self-negativity) they just aren't ready to be in a healthy, positive, and productive relationship. When you have that kind of negativity inside, the only thing it can do is poision your relationship. I realize it's hard, though. It's something all of us lesbian women have had to deal with and overcome. But, once you do, you'll start to understand what's wonderful about being a gay woman and being part of that community. Because, even though it may be difficult in our current soceity to be a lesbian woman, I wouldn't change it for anything. I love who I am and I love everything about being in a relationship with a woman.

Being gay is not a big deal to me so not much therapy time is ever spent on it for me. I am rather garden variety lesbian and did not have a huge difficulty in coming out or being out, I don't believe my relationship ups and downs have anything to do with being gay etc. If I had concerns over lesbian issues specifically it might matter to me more. I don't use that much slang in referring to myself or lesbian issues in therapy or really anywhere even though I know the terms. I don't find it a hassle to explain the little I need to for the therapist to understand the few times it comes up. Gender is much more important to me than orientation, but it is my thing - not universal.

I would not like it if any therapist, gay or straight tried to make me be out if I did not want to be or go back in if I did not want to do so. I tell any therapist I see before gong to their office I am lesbian and ask if it is a problem for them. All have said no and it has not ever been for me.

New T told me to come out in my first session she said it would make my life less complicated and that I wouldn't beat myself up for lying to people, This is the hardest part all the lying and hiding.

I am rather garden variety lesbian...

While I can understand where the T is coming from, the hiding and lying are quite difficult and it can hard to feel like you are living an authentic life when such a big part of who you are is a secret. That said, it is no one's business but your own. The decision is a very important and painful one for many people and there are often many ramifications that go along with coming out, so it is nobody's place to force anyone else to be out or in. It is a very personal decision.

So sorry to hear that it has been so difficult for you. just so ya know...straight guys aren't always that great either and can really screw up your life as well.
Take care

What part of what the therapist said do you think is untrue? I came out in my late teens and have been out now for over 30 years. I have had people who quit being my friend because of it and have lost jobs over it (not uncommon in the early 80s) but I have never regretted it. Lying and hiding would have been much worse for me. I understand this is not the case for everyone, but it was for me. I found most people either already knew or suspected I was gay and they did not care one way or the other.

This whole thing makes me so sad. Coming out can lead to a lot of losses and that is such a shame.
I come at this discussion from a strange angle perhaps. My gay father and his partner raised me as my mother had abandoned me. Growing up I had to keep the secret as my father was in the closet. At that time (the 80's) he would have lost his job and things would have been pretty rough if he would have come out. A lot of the family was unaware of his orientation as well, which is so funny when you think about the fact that they lived together, etc. Oh well...denial is a powerful force.
When he became ill and eventually died from AIDS people found out. The response was devastating and I am sad to say has colored my perceptions of people a bit. I don't want to get into it, just wanted to say that I do understand how hard a choice it is and that some people are too judgmental and narrow minded to accept people as they are.

Sorry for the tangent. I am sorry that things are so painful for you button30 and I wish that you lived in an area with a more supportive community.

thanks to everyone for their candid postings...I want to chime in and say that as a bi female this is a huge thing for me because in all cases except two, my therapists have made it their "campaigns" to get me to choose, straight or gay.

That seems odd. I can understand why you don't like it.

thanks to everyone for their candid postings...I want to chime in and say that as a bi female this is a huge thing for me because in all cases except two, my therapists have made it their "campaigns" to get me to choose, straight or gay.

thanks...it was the source of great pain and confusion...now, I would just say...GO POUND SAND...I'm Bi!

I think that if somebody asked I would just tell them too but nobody ever asks me! My t sent me a link to this interview with a gay guy it was a cbt thing and it proved that most homosexuals are actually homophobic, I couldn't believe it!

I feel the same way!! It's really annoying cuz I feel my T is trying to make me choose :-/