[Miswimmy1]

my t said "ill text you to work out a time to talk on sat." she didn't text. and she didn't call. she did however text me to tell me that she hoped my day went well. Nothing about calling. I've had a dificult time lately with her, and so I didnt wanna bug her. so I waited. no call. I emailed her, hurt, asking if she forgot, or whatever. and nothing, not even this morning.

she said "i will nvr lie to you", "i so value honesty", "I want to help you learn to trust", "i wanna be there for you", "i won't ever leave you". But she is. I know she saw it. I know she didn't forget (her brain is like a steel trap). I don't know what I should do now. I'm feeling really alone. my walls are up...

[~EnlightenMe~]

She responded for you to have a good day, but didn't respond to you otherwise, which is confusing. Next time you see her, ask her specifically why she did this/is doing this. Tell you you prefer someone who is upfront and doesn't use unethical therapeutical practices. If she wants you to be more independent, you two need to talk about this because it shouldn't be in her hands to create this situation.
She also may have a family emergency, or may be caught up in doing something and may have wanted to respond to you but couldn't do it fully so told you to have a good day so you would know she is thinking about you. When do you see her again?

[lostmyway21]

Last weekend I was it a dangerous place. Sat he talked me down in text, and told me he would all me Sun. Sun morning I asked if he was going to call, he said he would at night. Sun night I told him I was having a really hard time and I still needed the phone call and he didn't. Try not to take it too personally. I was upset but it happens. I saw on his planner the next day it said call Lost in the top corner. T's aren't perfect.

[stopdog]

I don't really think it is safe to assume a therapist will not forget something. Everyone forgets things or forgets their calendar, day planner, thing with notes on who to call etc.

[autotelica]

She may be waiting to get a sign from you.

A sign of assertiveness. A sign that you are a full participant in this thing, not expecting her to take the lead all the time.

If she didn't care for you, would she have really texted you that she hopes you're well? Completely unsolicited? If she was abandoning you, why would she do this? Just to jerk you around? Seems like it would be simpler to just abandon you.

I know you're in a bad spot, but it seems to me that your frequent contact with your therapist is doing more harm than good. It's not healthy for you to focus so much on her every word (or forgotten word). They should be a source of motivation and strength, not the substance of life. You've got your therapist in a position that if she doesn't do X when and exactly the way you want it, you view it as a sign of something horrible. When really, she's going above and beyond. You see this, right? The risk of going above and beyond is that more mistakes are made than if you do the barest minimum. I don't think you want the barest minimum from her, and yet it does seems like you aren't willing to accept the trade-off that comes with having her attention. Something's got to give.

She forgot, Miswimmy1. Or maybe she thought to herself, "I'll let Miswimmy1 tell me if she wants to talk. I'll check in with her, but I won't assume she wants to talk. I'll let her ask for it."

If you hold every slight sign of imperfection against her, she will only continue to falter because it will start to seem like a game to her. A tiring damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't game. No one is an infinite well of compassion and understanding. The natural tendency is to eventually say "enough is enough". I don't think you want this.

Text her if you want to talk to her. See what she says and then you can accuse her of not caring.

[ECHOES]

Let her know you are confused and that there seems to be a misunderstanding about today's contact, and how that was going to happen.

If she was waiting for you to make contact, then I think it is very nice that she communicated and wished you a good day

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by autotelica

I know you're in a bad spot, but it seems to me that your frequent contact with your therapist is doing more harm than good. It's not healthy for you to focus so much on her every word (or forgotten word). They should be a source of motivation and strength, not the substance of life. You've got your therapist in a position that if she doesn't do X when and exactly the way you want it, you view it as a sign of something horrible. When really, she's going above and beyond. You see this, right? The risk of going above and beyond is that more mistakes are made than if you do the barest minimum. I don't think you want the barest minimum from her, and yet it does seems like you aren't willing to accept the trade-off that comes with having her attention. Something's got to give.

So really I'm just an awful person who is too demanding... I know that she could have forgotten. But I don't even know what to think now. I'm confused. My friend says to give her more leeway, like u. Another said to not trust her at all. Another said to let it go. I don't know what to think.

[autotelica]

I didn't say you were awful or too demanding.

You are choosing to jump to that conclusion. Just like you are choosing to make the very worse conclusions about your therapist. This is very black-and-white thinking.

I DO think your expectations are kind of lofty, though. She works with you 3X a week and from what I recall, you're on daily or almost daily electronic contact. Not a lot of therapists would do that for someone, Miswimmy1. You've got a very caring therapist who works really hard for you. It would be unfortunate if you faulted her for not doing everything you want her to do or being there whenever you want her to be. I just can't see this kind of fault-finding being particularly helpful in your treatment. That's all I'm saying.

[Miswimmy1]

I know. I'm a black and white thinker. And u giv good advice. I know she works really hard. But since she isn't here to talk to, I needed it hear that. I want to be told that I am coming to the wrong conclusions. I want more than anything to believe her. I just am not great at convincing myself that it's ok to be unsure... U get what I mean?

[autotelica]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I know. I'm a black and white thinker. And u giv good advice. I know she works really hard. But since she isn't here to talk to, I needed it hear that. I want to be told that I am coming to the wrong conclusions. I want more than anything to believe her. I just am not great at convincing myself that it's ok to be unsure... U get what I mean?

Patience is something that can be learned. That's really all you need is patience. It's alright to want assurances. Instant assurances, however, are not realistic or healthy because you don't give yourself a chance to figure out stuff on your own.

It sounds like weekends are hard for you. They used to be especially hard for me because they tend to be without much structure, so that gave me more time to think bad things and "need" rescuing. I would ask your therapist for "weekend" strategies. It's been a while since we've done this, but my therapist used to sit me down and ask me what I had planned for the weekend. Not so she could assess my social calendar, but so she could make sure I wasn't going to be flailing around in my thoughts with nothing else to do. If I didn't have anything planned, she'd give me something to do.

[Miswimmy1]

I think the want for instant gratification is something that comes with ADHD, and the need for reassurance a trait of OCD. Not great for my situation... :/

And that's a great idea, the weekend thing. You are right, weekends are especially difficult... And also bc I skipped the last two sessions cuz of her vacation. I am trying to distract myself... Im at the clubhouse right now, trying to eat and relax. But I'm not great at amusing myself. Lol and it's too late to call someone to set up something.

Btw u should be a therapist. What you say is like what I imagine her saying...

[autotelica]

Honey, if I were a therapist I'd generate so many ruptures there would be earthquakes every hour on the hour!

But that's very sweet of you to say that. Thank you.

Miswimmy1,

You really need to discuss boundaries with your therapist. Their absence is harming you and your relationship with her. If this isn't repaired therapy will never ever work. Boundaries are there for many reasons and this is one.

I don't understand why she gave you such access. It is unprofessional. She compromised the relationship by taking on the role of a mother or friend who seems to foster dependence. You have become quite dependent on her and it is hurting you, because she isn't living up to your expectations. I don't blame you. What are you to expect now that her role is no longer defined? Do you think texting is helping?

Remember therapists are not friends and parents. They can never fill those roles no matter how much we want them too.

If this cannot be fixed, you will need to find another therapist.

[Miswimmy1]

I know! It's all confusion... I just want to know what is what. I am afraid of crossing boundaries but at the same time, she told me that she would make it clear when I did cross one :/ I reach out like she encouraged me to do, and then she doesn't reply. What am I supposed to do? Think? Ugh

[Bill3]

I know! It's all confusion... I just want to know what is what.

How many times do you see her per week right now?

What if you don't have contact with her between sessions? Except in an emergency.

Suppose you said that you don't plan to contact her and you don't want her to contact you between sessions. I mention this because if you took this approach, you would not be relying on her for something that she may be unable to accomplish.

You wouldn't be waiting for her to call or email. You wouldn't be hurt when she does not come through for you.

What do you think?

[Miswimmy1]

I see her 3x... But my nightly email is my "hw". So i don't know if not contacting her is an option. I want to talk with her and work it all out. But I can't even do that

She may not be responding because she has realized her mistake. Ignoring you is her problem, not yours.

Daily contact is hurting you. I am not sure what "hw" is. Can this be done using a journal that you would bring to your appointments?

Don't contact her. Wait until your next appointment.

[Miswimmy1]

Hw= homework. I hav OCD and it involves using the computer and not wanting to use it. So she wanted me to email her nightly to prove that I am on the computer...

[unaluna]

It sounds like you're having feelings about her vacation. If you missed your last two sessions, technically this weekend is probably still part of the same vacation? Anyway, my t came back last week from 2 weeks away, and when he returned, THAT'S when I had nightmares for a week about him and missing my appointments. So if you could just understand that their vacations ARE a hard time for clients, that it's to be expected, all you really need to do is not quit therapy because of it, but see it as part of the process, and talk about what feelings it brings up in you. I wouldn't make a judgment like, it proves she's not there for you. We're in therapy probably because our parents weren't there for us, big time. But we couldn't talk about it with them. We CAN talk about it with T, but it's not an immediate need as it was when we were infants, of being fed or changed or lonely, but certainly the feelings are as scary and intense.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by hankster

all you really need to do is not quit therapy because of it, but see it as part of the process, and talk about what feelings it brings up in you.

I'm trying rly hard. It hurts so badly tho

[Butterflies Are Free]

I would just try to be honest and talk to her about it.

[Bill3]

What is the part that hurts the most?

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What is the part that hurts the most?

Her words. She said that she would do something and didn't come through. Im angry at myself. I said I wouldn't trust anyone. And I gave her my trust. And she let me down.

[Bill3]

Thank you, Miswimmy1. I'm really sorry that you were let down right when you took the chance of trusting someone. Feeling betrayed like that is very very painful. Not only does being let down hurt so bad, but a person can feels so naive, like Why did I ever do that?

What if you think for a minute only about how she is in your sessions? We talked about how sometimes she has been preoccupied. On the other hand, I think that she has also done some good things. Here is my question: thinking about only in sessions: what are the chances that you can trust her in session?

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What if you think for a minute only about how she is in your sessions? We talked about how sometimes she has been preoccupied. On the other hand, I think that she has also done some good things. Here is my question: thinking about only in sessions: what are the chances that you can trust her in session?

She hasnt ever let me down in session. But I don't think u can trust the person only in certain situations. That isn't trust...