what went wrong?

I am going to respectfully disagree with you, auto. What you are saying is intellectually sound, but the problem is that with attachment issues, the intellect is overrun by emotions. You sound like my therapist, who did say enough is enough and terminated me. Unfortunately, my intellect didn't save me from being abandoned because my soul and my attachment system were so hypervigilant for signs of abandonment, that I felt the fight, flight, or freeze response every time I sensed he was going to abandon me. I can tell you 100% that I DID NOT choose this predicament, and you and my therapist and whomever else can feel free to point the finger at me, my neediness, and my dependence, and I have NO way of proving that I was doing the best I could. I think that Mis is going through the beginning stage of TRYING to trust her therapist, and I think that everything she is thinking/feeling/and doing is okay for where she is right now. Invalidating her experience now, I know because my therapist would berate me for being needy, is going to make things worse, not better. It is going to make her be more needy, not less. In short, time and acceptance that she is dependent at this point is of the utmost importance. If her therapist takes the same stance as mine did, and villifies neediness, (which I'm sure she won't do), then there is no chance. The needy/dependent part that desperately/emotionally needs someone to care and accept and to treat it with kindness, is pushing to trust her therapist because that is what the body does, it pushes us to heal in the way that it knows how. I can't explain it, but I do know that this part needs to be accepted by another, and in time, she will integrate it into herself and it will no longer be so prominent. At that point, she will start becoming independent on her own, or maybe with some help. That is what I know judging on my experience and knowledge. Mis, I think you are doing a great job posting here! I know it is painful, and I have hope that your therapist will help you with how you feel, not make you feel bad for feeling that way.

Bill,
This is an interesting point. I am kind of identifying with Miswimmy, and I have been through this a long time. Using my feelings as a compass, what you are saying feels impossible and I can't explain why. I suppose it's a projection, it's the desire to have a person to trust all the time, to have a person care about you not only for fifty minutes that you are paying for, but all of the time. Intellectually, I totally 'get it'. I get that he is really only there in session, (or was), but my emotions totally did not 'get it'. Miswimmy, is this the same for you? The emotional part, imo, is the part that is damaged, and trying to intellectualize that he is only there in session, he is coming back from vacation, he will/won't call, seems like a lost cause. So, how do we, as in all of us, let our therapists know and/or how do we work on our emotional side that is damaged? Especially in the middle of people who are using their intellect to try to help "fix" the situation. It just doesn't work. Anybody have any suggestions?

I'm all or nothing. I can't trust her only in certain situations. That's not trust. That is like, manipulation! U walk in, get better in there, walk out and go WTH just happened.

I don't know how to work on the hurt part. The only way I see to fix it is to give her another chance. But I don't know if I feel ok with that. I don't wanna be hurt again. U know?

She has not let you down in session, but she has let you down outside of session. I'm sorry.

Do you want a new T?

If you could possibly keep her: please allow me to go back to an idea from earlier. What if your plan to maintain contact in session (when she has never let you down), but not outside of session (where she has let you down)?

If she wants you to email her every day for hw--you could do that. For example, your email could simply say "Hi, I'm here!". You would know that she will notice your email and you would know that she will not reply to it.

My thought is this: T has proven that she can't be relied upon to make contact between sessions. Otherwise, she is okay. So maybe there is merit in having her her stop trying to do what she is not good at doing. Stop trying to do what ends up causing pain.

At the same time, some here have expressed concern that these contacts outside of session overstep boundaries and tend to foster dependence. Maybe it is not only more practical, but also healthier, to limit contact to the 3x per week sessions.

Thanks, Bill.
I'll have to think about that one. Maybe her T needs to concretely define her boundaries, or better yet, the T and Mis need to work together to come to a solution.

I might start a new thread on this tomorrow named something like dependence/trust because I think that at this point they are one in the same.

MIS, you will be in my thoughts! Take care of yourself

Anitimatter, I've printed out the original post and your two comments before the last one, and I'm going to take it to my therapist tomorrow. She's pretty well-respected and maybe she'll be interested, maybe not. We were touching on something similar last week -- so who knows. May not help, we'll see. (I hope nobody minds that I printed the stuff out, rather than trying to get her to look online.)

Tried that. She said she wants more. She wants feedback as to how the exposure is working...

Does she want actual online conversations? For exposure therapy, she wants to email back and forth with you?

If she doesn't actually want to email back and forth, you could email her what she wants and as much as she wants (and you are willing to provide)--without her ever writing back (your messages could be discussed in session). Send her messages about USA Swimming! (Two of my kids were Y swimmers).

Keep hanging in there, Mis! I admire how you are steadily talking about and working on these difficulties.

HereToday,
I just saw this post, I apologize for not responding sooner. Knock yourself out, not sure why you chose to print my posts when I'm not the OP, did they strike a chord? Just wondering. What did your well-respected therapist say? I can't wait to hear.