[Fixated]

I don't think I've ever been so unsure of myself in my life as I am right now. It has been happening since therapy started, but is so much more intense and noticeable the last few months.

Before therapy, I may have felt this same lack of confidence, but I was able to cover it up. I was able to bs my way through life, I guess...portraying a certainty. I may have even convinced myself it was true. If I was having a discussion and someone argued against my point, I'd have no trouble collecting my thoughts and plowing through with a response even if I was not 100% sure I was right. I feel that I've lost that ability.

I don't know what I believe in anymore. I don't think I believe in myself. So much of therapy has been revealing my (apparently) distorted thoughts or behaviors that I think it's caused (or at least contributed greatly) to this.

I feel so uncomfortable offering ideas in grad school, and I often berate myself after. I feel so inadequate at work...like everyone is probably working ten times faster than me.

I don't even know what I want out of this post. I'm even unsure of that.

[Miswimmy1]

I can totally relate to you. I am having a similiar confidence crisis at the moment myself. I don't know what to tell you, except that you aren't alone in feeling this way.

[AngelWolf3]

Absolutely. I am the same way, even more so after starting therapy. I wish I had an answer for all of us! Maybe someone else who responds to this thread will...?
Hugs to both of you!

[Fixated]

Thanks, guys. I guess I'm glad it isn't just me. I'm sitting here today contemplating dropping a class. I'd lose money by dropping it, but I'm not sure I can do it. So then I worry it's just avoiding failure. And on top of that, I SHOULD be able to do it. People around me where I work are taking multiple classes with just as much workload. I can blame my issues for what surrounds my difficulty completing work w/o procrastination, but that's just excuse making. I don't feel smart enough, and I have to sit across from my T and talk about this when she has a MA and a PhD.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Thanks, guys. I guess I'm glad it isn't just me. I'm sitting here today contemplating dropping a class. I'd lose money by dropping it, but I'm not sure I can do it. So then I worry it's just avoiding failure. And on top of that, I SHOULD be able to do it. People around me where I work are taking multiple classes with just as much workload. I can blame my issues for what surrounds my difficulty completing work w/o procrastination, but that's just excuse making. I don't feel smart enough, and I have to sit across from my T and talk about this when she has a MA and a PhD.

these are all good things to go over w/yr T - BEFORE you decide whether or not to drop the class!!

[~EnlightenMe~]

You can say this, that you certainly are sure that you are uncertain about important things in your life.

You are not alone, I'm having a Major Inadequacy Marathon and feel inept at work, like everyone thinks I'm as dumb as a lamppost. I feel like people are always judging me, when it is really me projecting my judgmentalness of myself.

I teach 6th grade now, and another teacher was in the room. We were reviewing History, and there was one concept that I couldn't remember. I KNEW I had known it once, but I then panicked because I started feeling like everyone knew I had clue as to what I was talking about, and my anxiety increased, and at that time I was truly unable to access any knowledge, making my idiocy even more idiotic. SOOOOOOOOOOO,
I then acted like nothing happened, and when I was alone, I allowed myself to feel my self hatred/anger at myself for being stupid, but intellectually I tried to self-soothe (OMG - I actually did this). I thought, I actually know most of what I'm talking about but I'm confused just about this one thing. This does not make me stupid. I thought of things some of my good friends didn't know and admitted to not knowing unabashedly, and I thought, now I have something to talk about with my friends. Sometimes smart people say stupid things; sometimes smart people don't remember general knowledge, and that is okay. It is not a death sentence, it is just one moment in time.

So when uncertainty strikes, accept that you are not certain, and say, I'm ambivalent about this because while I believe __________, I also wonder that _______ may be true.

Practicing mindfulness with people like Jon Kabat-Zinn is really helpful.

Fixated, I tried to take a class and work last year, and couldn't finish it, and lost money. It sounds like you are thinking of Shoulds, etc. My T was disappointed that I dropped the class. However, I made the decision to drop the class/lose money because I was mentally/physically exhausted and I needed to cut out some of the things that stressed me, and that class was one of them. I dropped it for that reason, and while I wish I could have retrieved the money back, I don't regret it. My therapist, husband nor anyone else knows what is brewing inside of me at times and I'm the only one who truly knows this. If they thought I was being lazy, not caring/trying, or whatever, that's their problem, not mine. I did that for me.

Just because your T has more schooling than you, doesn't mean she's smarter than you. She may have more knowledge about what she studied, she may have had more opportunity to go to school, and it may say that she was motivated. That's all it says. When I mean smart, I mean the ability to learn, not how much knowledge one has gained. You have your own strengths, and if YOU want to go to school, then find a way and do it. You need to find what you love to do and do it (as do I).

If others around you are doing classes, that has nothing to do with you. People have different stamina levels, and you have been through a lot of emotional stress, which will drain the life out of anyone. I also feel like I've lost brain matter or that I have Alzheimer's or something. You are not alone. Keep going forward, there's no other way.

I think it's great opportunity to have this chance to exam who we are. It does feel unstable at first but bit by bit as the old falls away, new stronger shoots start to spring up. Perhaps in putting it in writing it makes it more manageable.

[autotelica]

Grad school is the best route to low self-esteem, in my personal experience. I and just about everyone I know who went through grad school experienced both massive amounts of self-doubt and the imposter syndrome. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Grad school is the best route to low self-esteem, in my personal experience. I and just about everyone I know who went through grad school experienced both massive amounts of self-doubt and the imposter syndrome. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

Oh, this is so true. I'm finishing my second graduate degree and I have never felt so uncertain of myself in my life. I'm 98% convinced that my thesis is crap and that all the people who say it's not are either idiots or placating me.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I also feel like I've lost brain matter or that I have Alzheimer's or something. You are not alone. Keep going forward, there's no other way.

Antimatter, this post was just amazing. I don't think I can properly express how much it impacted me. I feel like we're almost the same person! I thought I must be the only one.

And I seriously relate to the quote above about feeling like you've lost your memory and something is wrong with your brain. I've often pondered the possibilities of a tumor or something else insane because I feel like I'm only getting less intelligent and capable.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Grad school is the best route to low self-esteem, in my personal experience. I and just about everyone I know who went through grad school experienced both massive amounts of self-doubt and the imposter syndrome. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

Even though it indicates a recipe for disaster over the next two years, this makes me smile. I'm glad to know I might not be alone in thinking I'm an imposter.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Antimatter, this post was just amazing. I don't think I can properly express how much it impacted me. I feel like we're almost the same person! I thought I must be the only one.

And I seriously relate to the quote above about feeling like you've lost your memory and something is wrong with your brain. I've often pondered the possibilities of a tumor or something else insane because I feel like I'm only getting less intelligent and capable.

Yes, I've also pondered (like in the last 6 months) about getting a brain scan to see if I have a tumor, also. It's so alarming and isolating. Yeah, maybe we are twins Keep posting.

[Sannah]

Fixated, maybe because you are in the deconstruction phase right now? The construction phase is coming? Maybe your confidence before wasn't on solid ground and now you can build it on solid ground?