Ok...so I told T via email Monday I wanted to cut back from 2 times to 1 time a week as I had convinced myself therapy was adding to my insanity. Tuesday we had my first appointment of the week, it was intense..lots of emotion...I learned more about how I neglect me and he pointed out and I acknowledged, that I live my life as a reaction to feeling like a burden. In session on Tuesday he tried to convince me that once again I was just short changing myself again by going 1 x a week. He said it's frustrating from a birds eye view that he can see but can't tell me everything for fear I cant handle it. Referring to the burden observation he spat out earlier. Now, typically he and I email several times a week. A post therapy email from me is not uncommon.

After some reflection I emailed him and said he was correct. The real reason I want to cut to 1 time a week is the burden thing, feeling like I am undeserving of 2x's, I have guilt about spending the money on myself etc. I did add a side of spite with, "What else do you see from your birds eye view that I don't?". He never responded. So here I am on today, its been 2 days since my session, typically one tomorrow... but not now. I am extremely anxious and these have been the longest 2 days of my life. I'm not sure if it's thinking that I messed up and he is angry or feeling like a wimp if I don't give myself the opportunity to try and be ok with 1 time a week. So do I sit with it ( as I am hard headed and I don't want him to win or me to appear so needy) or do I break down and call and schedule a second appointment for next week? His silence is killing me and he knows it... its just pissing me off more.

(((Lola)))
I understand the not wanting to back down, not wanting to need, not wanting to be a burden. But I think you should go with what you have already acknowledged -- you didn't cut down on T because you felt you would be ok with one session a week. So two sessions would be better for you. And you know what? I think you should go with what would be better for you.
Call him, says the Apteryx.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I am hard headed and I don't want him to win or me to appear so needy

Sound like beliefs to overcome. No better time then the present?

Call him. You know its about you not wanting to be a burden. Get yourself in there..and it will be a step to change that about yourself. Let go of the guilt....you are not a burden. You are not a burden. You are doing this for you and that is OKAY. Go see your T.

[anilam]

I don't think he's trying to punish you by not responding- that's a behaviour I wouldn't expect from a T in general- very immature and passively aggressive. Maybe stg came up? You'll never know unless you ask him. If you can't wait till next appointment make another- there's nothing wrong with asking for an extra sesh (or in your case back to normal scheduling)

[granite1]

lola i'm glad you are seeing this you are worth so much more then the way you treat yourself sometimes . don't you know you are awsome

I HATE eating crow... I'd rather stick sporks in my eyes. Uggg

Originally Posted by anilam

I don't think he's trying to punish you by not responding- that's a behaviour I wouldn't expect from a T in general- very immature and passively aggressive.

Your probably right... but you know how you can feel one way, even when it isn't true... yeah that's where I am at.

Originally Posted by Apteryx

(((Lola)))
Call him, says the Apteryx.

Alas, who am I to deny the Apteryx?

Don't let me have to sig StopDog on your ***.

I'm not afraid of cuddly puppy...besides I'm not sure I wanna cave so quickly...what if this is a good thing, learning independence due to my own stubbornness? I have to weight out the reasons for each action and which one is better in the long run for me. I HATE therapy sometimes.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((( lola )))))) you are wonderful

>>>> "What else do you see from your birds eye view that I don't?"
this is a most excellent question!!! i hope you don't let him slide and never answer it. Every word he gives you from that altitude should be followed and explored, IMO. beware a little though - my own experience - when I hear some observation from that altitude, the more angry I get about it and reject it, the more I realize (in time) how accurate it is, and then... I guess ... we're back to the subject of 'eating crow'...

maybe you could give 1x a week a chance, before you decide to go back to 2x. Could just be the newness of it that is getting to you.

wishing you good health and great peace!!

PS - 'crow' is very nutritious. I find myself eating a good bit of it, and ya know, although it tastes terrible , it always does me good. this might even be one of the greatest benefits of therapy.
Hell of a system, if you ask me.

He is NOT going to slide on that one. I also think T being a man is adding to my wanting to dig in my heals. If T were a woman it would be easier for me to admit I may have been possibly wrong. UGGG

ok seriously your not eating crow are you? My father - in -law is from Peru and they eat Guinea Pigs...

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

ok seriously your not eating crow are you? My father - in -law is from Peru and they eat Guinea Pigs...

no silly, only in therapy. I consistently go galloping off in the wrong direction & then have to come back and go, um....... gulp

I didn't think so, but hell who know right.... I mean this is a Psychotherapy board...LOL

I'm just deciding when I want to eat mine and what kinda seasoning is gonna make it go down better. Uggg

[WikidPissah]

I have to run out right now...

but
and

Crow has been eaten....I have no idea what I was thinking....Like, I can regulate my emotions for a whole week on my own...LOL Well at least I'm optimistic. Now awaiting his response.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I HATE eating crow... I'd rather stick sporks in my eyes. Uggg

Maybe you FEEEEL like it's eating crow, or him winning. But the way I look at it, you just changed your mind.

Keep the power inside yourself where it belongs, not outside. You are in control of yourself, not others.

I hope you realise your needs and wants here and not be so stubborn. BTW, i understand the need to be stubborn with male T and not females. If you are having a hard time dealing Lola, please don't let yourself suffer and ring T and make another appt

I emailed him. Its amazing how I can go from 0 to 60 Happy to sad in a split second over something that is rather trivial. I need to learn to control that, I cant take mood swings like that. I mean Happy...birds singing..la la .... BAM...... just wanna go to bed, physically drained, feel like i'm dragging. I HATE EMOTIONS...word number 3 - those keeping track boundaries, needs and emotions, hate em all.

I hate emotions too, my life is a rollercoaster lately, one minute I am in the clouds the next minute back down to earth with a crash. Your T can help though and I am glad you emailed him (((((HUGS))))))

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I did add a side of spite with, "What else do you see from your birds eye view that I don't?". He never responded.

Not responding is a mean trick unworthy of someone who is trying to help you, in my inept opinion.

I agree, I emailed and told him he was right. He offered me a 10 tomorrow, said he would have to look at next week. Hes fixin to cut me off email... I can feel it, dang it... Ihate being told I cant do something, f'in boundaries.

[~EnlightenMe~]

What makes you think you are getting the email boundary? Has he done it before? I see this as progress for you. What I see is that you were struggling with asking him for what you need and maybe you made the snide remark out of anger for him not knowing that you need another appointment. His lack of response was probably him rooting for you, him hoping you would think of yourself and ask for what you need. And you did!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am impressed and think your T will be also

Originally Posted by Antimatter

What makes you think you are getting the email boundary? Has he done it before? I see this as progress for you. What I see is that you were struggling with asking him for what you need and maybe you made the snide remark out of anger for him not knowing that you need another appointment. His lack of response was probably him rooting for you, him hoping you would think of yourself and ask for what you need. And you did!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am impressed and think your T will be also

I was at 2x's a week and then told him I wanted once a week. Now Im saying no I want two, again. His emails are short now, he mentioned maybe cutting back to keep me out of my head, avoiding this forum for the same reason. He's gonna try to fit me in tomorrow so we shall see. No he has always promoted emails, we have a finacial agreement on them. My feelings could be lieing to me right now, they do that alot.