[AngelWolf3]

So I had a really good therapy session yesterday. We talked about learning how to forgive myself, and such, which I was actually kinda on board about and was excited to do.

Long story short, something happened last night to make it all come back, the guilt, and the hatred, and now I am seeing that my choices a few years ago, although I am not the same person, has totally messed up my kid (if not both of them).
I want to get him help, and I totally blame myself. Totally true.

I am just not going into too much detail about him, he is safe, not hurting himself or anything, he is just emotionally scarred (For lack of a better term, I am using the cliche)
And he knows I am depressed/PTSD, and worries about me, which isn't his job. I guess the saying "little pitchers have big ears" is true. Dang it.

I am glad he cares and wants to stay with me but I feel so bad for him. What can I do.
I was so mad at myself I chose to use a "not good" coping mechanism. I kindof want to call T, and did last night, but hung up on the machine. I don't know. I really just want to crawl away and hide somewhere, and honestly, the kids are the only thing keeping me sane right now. I probably would have cracked if it weren't for the fact that the kids don't need to worry more about me than they already do.

And I am really trying to focus on the positive right now, and not getting into the "woe is me" mentality, but it is SO hard right now. (sorry I have a lot of cliches in this post I guess!)
Is this even worth calling my T over? My next session is not for a few weeks, but she probably could fit me in next week. It's definitely not an emergency, but I don't know if I can go until next month.

Anyway, thanks for reading. If you made it this far. If it was even worth reading.

[Sannah]

Hi Wolfin, yes, awareness is a huge part of getting better. Remember how much denial you probably had when you first started therapy? This is the only way to correct things and move forward.

Yes, we do affect our children but you can make everything right again. When my girls were small my anxiety affected them. When my oldest was 4, I finally figured out how much it affected them and I learned to stop it and repair what had already been done. There is nothing like hearing an explanation and an apology from someone who has affected you and an opening of dialogue. It can bring you closer to your children.

Life isn't mean to be bruise free. What counts is talking about it and being there for each other. It is never too late for that.

Wolfin, have you thought about apologizing to your children with age appropriate language? Children are resilient and bounce back wash after wash. Just talk to them , tell them you are in a much better place now and that they need not worry. That you love them and will always be there for them and they can come to you as you are THEIR rock. This may help you to forgive your self and also to alleviate their concern. Open up the dialog...the thing about kids is they speak from the heart and a little love goes a long way. If you feel like you need to call T , then you should...even if it just helps to hold you together.

Sorry Sannah, we cross posted... LOL

To see how we behaved before we knew better. Is actually about us being better. I'm thankful I'm not like my step mother who to this day doesn't see her faults. I owned my faults and that's what will heal our children.