So, so, so angry with T right now...

T and I just had this conversation via text:

3:17pm
Me: Can trauma be something you caused/a decision you made, or is it necessarily something u could not control?

3:59pm
T: If someone else hurt you, no decision you made is responsible for that.

4:10pm
Me: That's not what I meant.

4:55pm
T: Let's talk about it in session next week so that I know what I am responding about.

5:00pm
Me: No. Just forget it. Forget the whole thing. I don't even want to see you next week. Stop making me the victim in your head!!!!

I'll just leave it at that for now. SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why can't she just answer the questions I ask instead of trying to infer things that I'm not saying?!?

I am sorry you are upset. But I also would find such a question confusing without more.

You are trying to talk "therapy" via text. I don't know of many, if any, good therapists that will engage in therapy via text. Most won't even do it via email. Your T is right. This is a question for session, not text message. It didn't sound like she was inferring anything at all. She simply said this was a question for session. Why did you go off on her saying she is making you a victim in your head? I see nothing in that text conversation that indicates that is what she was doing. Her wanting to wait until session is specifically BECAUSE she doesn't want to infer something incorrectly.

I hate to say this, but I think that no matter what answer T gave you via text, it wouldn't have come out right. It's hard to have a conversation via text. Maybe you could ask T to call you and set up a time to chat briefly between now and your next session? I know that it is SO easy to read into things and interpret them one way,when the sender meant it completely different.

Be angry - feeling anger is good (or so says my T) and talk to her about that anger! This could end up being a good piece of therapy!

I am sorry that you are upset, but that is a big question to answer over text. Your T even said that she doesn't know what she is responding to. I hope that you are able to see her next session.

I am just really angry right now, and I feel like you guys are ganging up on me.



I feel like I asked her a question - can trauma be a bad decision you made, or is it something that happens to you?

Then she ASSUMES that I must be blaming myself for someone abusing me or something. How the hell did she get that from a simple question?!

She ALWAYS puts me in the victim role!!!!!

Why not save such a question for your next session? Why was it so pressing to get an answer to such a major question right then and there?

I'm not ganging up on you. I'm just trying to understand exactly why you are so angry. It isn't clear from what you have written, sorry.

I'm just not reading any kind of assumption about you being made by her at all. Perhaps you are assuming she is making an assumption (if that makes any sense) because that is what you for some reason expect from her? Do you worry a lot about her judging you for some reason?

We're not ganging up on you. We're just trying to get you to see this a bit more logically/rationally perhaps. You seem all emotion right now when maybe if you'll tap into some logic about this (which is what we are trying to help you with) you might see that she just would rather talk about this one to one (which makes perfectly good sense).

I am not able to express myself well at this moment, but basically it comes down to, from my perspective, her answer to my original question makes no sense and is irrelevant.

I feel like I asked, "Is the definition of trauma A or B?" And she responded with, "If B occurred, it could not have been A." What?! Why is that relevant?! Just tell me if trauma can occur by your own bad decision making or if that's something else!!!!!!!!!

I think maybe you believe it's an a or b question, while your T believes it's an a, b, c, or d (all of the above) question. She will have to know what the question is pertaining to in order to answer it correctly.

Perhaps the question should have been. What defines something as traumatic in the sense of therapy? Your obviously upset and its being directed at T for not responding to a text correctly. The punishment is not fitting the crime. Do you wanna vent?

Would you have felt better if she had said, "I don't know what you're really asking and I'm afraid to give you an answer without knowing the question behind the question."

I could see a therapist not wanting to answer that question because it isn't a a simple one. It's like asking if anyone has personal responsibility for the bad things that happen to them. How do you adequately answer that question in a text?

Are you really asking if some trauma you went through was your fault or not? As in was it because of a decision you made or not? Not is the answer. Do YOU believe that if it wasnt or was a decision you made that resulted in trauma not your fault, that you are just playing a victim? I dont thi.k you are playing at all. You can be a victim and empower yourself, it just takes time. Take care.

No. What I am trying to ask is, if as a child, I abused another child, and as an adult, I recognize what a waste of space I am as a human being and how I probably deserve to live a long life full of endless suffering, and I constantly think think about what I did, is that traumatic? Or is that just my just desserts?

Everyone always wants to make me the victim.

I'm not. I'm the worthless piece of **** who ruined other people.

All of the above is why this isn't a simple question and answer thing that your T can address via text message. Sounds like the person you are really angry with is yourself, not your T. Definitely fodder for a therapy session. Sorry you are feeling so down on yourself today.

intherapy, there is also another option. There is something my T refers to ask sex play. When children explore and that is no ones fault, except for the people who exposed those children to sex at an early age.

Children don't abuse other children out of the blue. It's a learned behavior.

Yes, it sucks when you can't dictate how others see you and in my experience T's are at their most annoying when they refuse to collude in your self hatred. The last time my T refused to do this I wanted to plunge a sharp object between his eyes.

I guess I see children such as yourself who were involved in some kind of sexualized activity as neither victims or perpetrators. Kids just don't have the same decision making capacities as adults. It doesn't make sense to ask if a child chose to do something that a child can't choose to do. Decide vanilla or chocolate cone? Yep. Choose best friend? Yep. Choose to engage in sexualized activity? No.

I think this is not about your T giving you a label that doesn't fit with your self condemnation, it's about self acceptance, letting yourself off the hook, and not being so hard on yourself.

I don't think that your original question is a bad one at all - it's a really good one that would lead to really good conversation. However, it isn't a simple yes or no answer.

"Can trauma be something you caused/a decision you made, or is it necessarily something u could not control?"

If you just posed it as "Can trauma be something you caused/a decision you made?" then there IS a simple yes or no answer. But the qualifier that you added to the end is what complicates things, and makes it no longer a short, textable answer. It makes it a conversation starter.

Your anger and frustration ARE valid, I don't think anyone is saying otherwise, but what it does sound like many are saying is that your T is not avoiding the question, she's being very careful not to answer it in a way that can be twisted around, and therefore wants to be able to discuss it in real life, and not via texts.

Oh yeah, this is so not about your therapist or his response. This is much much deeper I suspect. Obviously something big is bubbling up.

Try to talk about it face to face. Schedule an extra appointment, call him or something.

Get this out of you as best you can. You don't have to carry it around much longer.