So told T today after our emailing back & forth this week, that everything is now quite for me. I said I feel like I was crying &crying and then I got picked up. I feel satisfied now.
T said that's what you couldn't do as a young baby. Allow yourself to cry. I said I think as a young child I use to sort of try & get satisfied, but it never happened. Then I realised that T has done for me something my step mother never did because I sure never have feld that warm content feeling before.

T asked what happened when I tried to get picked up/held/satisfied? I had to think about it then said, she would get angry. T nodded yes. I then said I don't know why I'm here saying all these things because it wasn't that bad. T got serious and said "you know, from what we know here and how you are with other people that is how someone who has suffered serious emotional neglect & abuse.

Well that took the wind out of my sails, it made me remember the love I wanted so bad but had to keep locked up with a giant padlock. I told T this and said I don't really want to think about it because the wanting to be loved feeling is so big I wouldn't be able to handle it. T was nodding all the time I was talking. She knows how all this makes someone feels but waits for them to speak it themselves.

But getting satisfied by T's responding to my cries is a good feeling to reflect on. You can't fake this stuff. That's for sure.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

So told T today after our emailing back & forth this week, that everything is now quite for me. I said I feel like I was crying &crying and then I got picked up. I feel satisfied now.
T said that's what you couldn't do as a young baby. Allow yourself to cry. I said I think as a young child I use to sort of try & get satisfied, but it never happened. Then I realised that T has done for me something my step mother never did because I sure never have feld that warm content feeling before.

Thanks for this. It's clarified something in my mind.

What I'm hearing from T is that she won't pick me up if I cry.
I need to challenge her in exactly those terms.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Thanks for this. It's clarified something in my mind.

What I'm hearing from T is that she won't pick me up if I cry.
I need to challenge her in exactly those terms.

My t wouldn't pick me up either. He'll give me the space to fall and pick myself back up....

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Thanks for this. It's clarified something in my mind.

What I'm hearing from T is that she won't pick me up if I cry.
I need to challenge her in exactly those terms.

And that's why I say my T is mean.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My t wouldn't pick me up either. He'll give me the space to fall and pick myself back up....

It all depends if you're ready for that.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It all depends if you're ready for that.

My T doesn't seem to base his reaction on whether or not I'm ready. He allows people to go what they need to go through...and then we process it afterwards. So, if I fall...he waits...and when I decide to pick myself back up...we talk about it.

[CantExplain]

The problem with this line of argument is that it is what screwed me up in the first place.

My mother read books that said, in effect, "Don't baby your baby".

[mixedup_emotions]

I hear ya. I sometimes wish it was different. But, I see it as him wanting me to take responsibility for myself and not encourage or enable me to regress. I grew up in a physically abusive environment and did not have much affection from my parents during my younger years. Unfortunately, those years are lost, and I'd imagine that I need to find a way to accept it - not look for it in my T.

This is a great post... I can see where some T's pick up,the baby and some teach the client to pick up the baby....what an interesting concept.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I then said I don't know why I'm here saying all these things because it wasn't that bad. T got serious and said "you know, from what we know here and how you are with other people that is how someone who has suffered serious emotional neglect & abuse.

I had a similar response from my T so not alone with that type of response. If you've been brought up a certain way then it doesn't seem that bad. It seems natural so it's understandable you feel the way you do.

I think I still want to be picked up...

I think a lot of us do.

MUE, you sound angry. Perhaps envious even.

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

I think I still want to be picked up...

I think a lot of us do.

I'm fortunate that I can make use of therapy. All T did was reply to my emails. That gave me the feeling of being heard, held. But then isn't that what's therapeutic about therapy. We don't go to therapy to exPereince the same experiences that Hurt us.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

MUE, you sound angry. Perhaps envious even.

Thanks, earthmamma, for helping me to become aware. I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

I do feel badly that I didn't respond to your original post - other than the hug. I am glad that you gained some awareness and that you have closeness with your T.

I think it kinda hit home for me what I lacked in my relationship with my parents, and it makes me sad. I know that T will not be able to fill that void - nor do I believe I would allow myself to feel vulnerable enough to even want that. I guess that's just where I am in my journey. I don't want to feel that kind of pain. Always in a state of denial. *sigh*

I appreciated the way you addressed this with me, earthmamma. It was helpful.

MUE, it is possible to have someone fill that void. The feeling that it isn't is a projection into the future based on our past. It's actually we that fills the void really. But there has to be a good enough other we can use to reflect that fulfilment. T didn't do any other then be herself. I took that and used it, ie I done it. You can too with time.