My t says I am in crisis. But what does that really mean?

All I want is to hurt myself and every time I feel like that I remember it's a borderline behavior and I don't want to be that but at the end of the day I am that because it's what I keep circling back to and part of me wants to stop fighting it and just do it. I'm tired of crying tired of pretending seeing Andy or hearing his voice or walking by him doesn't bother me because it does and it's what's fueling my reckless desire to flee at any cost bc any cost is better and more worth the cost I pay to remain here. I feel stifled and suffocated and hopeless and I can't take this anymore I can't even stop crying with Shae and the afternoon has become a game of "hide the tears from Shea" and clock watching so I know how long until I can reach something to hurt myself with.

I can't take this anymore.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Tentative, what did your t say to do. Im worried about you.

You definitely sound in crisis. Didn't you just come out of the hospital or am I thinking of someone else? These kinds of crises can linger for awhile. Is your T making any recommendations to you about how you can stay safe?

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Tentative, what did your t say to do. Im worried about you.

We did a relaxation exercise for half an hour, I told her I didn't like her anymore, she said that was okay, i didnt have to like her to keep showing up or for therapy to work.

then I smiled and asked if I could throw the biggest pillow at her head (big pillow usually off limits for throwing) but she said I could throw it bc it made me smile so I threw the big pillow at her head and she said see you on Monday.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You definitely sound in crisis. Didn't you just come out of the hospital or am I thinking of someone else? These kinds of crises can linger for awhile. Is your T making any recommendations to you about how you can stay safe?

yes... That was me in the hospital. And not really. She doesnt comment too much about my cutting aside to say tell hospital to call her if I need stitches so she can tell them it's ok to let me go bc I'm under her treatment.

Oh and she told me to listen to meditation or relaxation music.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

We did a relaxation exercise for half an hour, I told her I didn't like her anymore, she said that was okay, i didnt have to like her to keep showing up or for tgerapy to work.

then I smiled and asked if I could throw the biggest pillow at her head ( big pillow usually off limits for throwing) but she said I could throw it bc it made me smile so I threw the big pillow at her head and she said see you on Monday.

t sounds like an amazing lady. i hope you feel better soon, it does sound like you could be in crisis

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

We did a relaxation exercise for half an hour, I told her I didn't like her anymore, she said that was okay, i didnt have to like her to keep showing up or for tgerapy to work.

then I smiled and asked if I could throw the biggest pillow at her head ( big pillow usually off limits for throwing) but she said I could throw it bc it made me smile so I threw the big pillow at her head and she said see you on Monday.

lol, you threw a pillow at her head and then she said, "See you on Monday." I LOVE that That's a classic. You are the first to do this I hope you are doing better

[Steel Lion]

Always thought of it as when you feel your misery is more than you can cope with, and you mentally breakdown.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

lol, you threw a pillow at her head and then she said, "See you on Monday." I LOVE that That's a classic. You are the first to do this I hope you are doing better

I still feel like crap and am going to hurt myself as soon as I get out of class.

I also still enjoy throwing things at my T. I'm not sure how much she enjoys being the target, but she lets me do it, so. Why ask why?

I like your therapist. And you! I want to throw stuff at my Ts sometimes. (well pretty much ALL the time).

[sweepy62]

To me crisis is when my thoughts are not stable and I think of harming myself

Its fun to throw things...but aside from that I do not feel better. I think I am not going back.

To be in crisis for me used to be when all my desires & fears rising up and suffocating me. Because they had never been processed and contained by my mother. It's like carrying around a strange baby & being terrified of its every need. And the only way I knew how to try and escape it was to drown the baby in my needs and shout them even louder. Hoping an adult will come and rescue me.

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

Its fun to throw things...but aside from that I do not feel better. I think I am not going back.

You are in crisis, but you are not going to go back to therapy. You realize that makes no sense whatsoever, right?

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You are in crisis, but you are not going to go back to therapy. You realize that makes no sense whatsoever, right?

yea and i wonder what flung me into crisis in the first place?

therapy is making me feel worse than i could ever manage to feel on my own.

Therapy can leave you feeling very exposed and raw at times, particularly early on, but that is when its best to persevere and work with your T to get through those issues and feelings so you can come out on the other side. Cutting and running may bury and mask your issues for awhile, but they'll probably come back to bite you in the butt eventually. And since you have some goals concerning your future, it would seem part of the process in reaching those professional goals to work through your personal issues so you can best serve others later on.

It's hard, but try thinking about therapy is a long-term process. There will be difficulties along the way that at times will seem intolerable, but in the process you will learn better/healthier ways to cope, you will gain personal insight, and you will hopefully gain some stability in your life.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Therapy can leave you feeling very exposed and raw at times, particularly early on, but that is when its best to persevere and work with your T to get through those issues and feelings so you can come out on the other side. Cutting and running may bury and mask your issues for awhile, but they'll probably come back to bite you in the butt eventually. And since you have some goals concerning your future, it would seem part of the process in reaching those professional goals to work through your personal issues so you can best serve others later on.

It's hard, but try thinking about therapy is a long-term process. There will be difficulties along the way that at times will seem intolerable, but in the process you will learn better/healthier ways to cope, you will gain personal insight, and you will hopefully gain some stability in your life.

stability seems a long way off right now.

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

stability seems a long way off right now.

Of course it does. That's okay. But you have to start somewhere and have some patience with the process. This isn't going to happen overnight and it is going to be a difficult process. The rewards in the end will be worth it though. You'll eventually get there, but putting it off will only delay the end result.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Of course it does. That's okay. But you have to start somewhere and have some patience with the process. This isn't going to happen overnight and it is going to be a difficult process. The rewards in the end will be worth it though. You'll eventually get there, but putting it off will only delay the end result.

Okay.....