I am still chewing on my Wednesday session. Soon to be exH came to an earlier session that day. (completely pointless but that would be a story for a different forum) Anyway in my session, T said something along the lines of, I let people know by how I behave, or act in a way, that lets them know I am unimportant.

He asked me why I feel so unimportant and I told him. Without going into too much detail. The main things are that I had to meet mothers emotional needs and was rejected by father who won't acknowledge me, but adores my sibling. Rejected and treated poorly by H1 (trauma), H2 (traumatic), and now H3. T gave me some validation on the situation with H and it was good to know he sees what I do.

Anyway how am I supposed to feel important when all I have known/been taught/told is that my needs don't matter and I am treated as if I am not important? How do I value myself when no one loves me (except T)? I have a few close friends IRL, but they need my support a lot, so I try not to tell them my problems, and geographically they are not close. How do I feel good about myself when I invest myself in others and they reciprocate by leaving, getting angry with me, or treating me poorly when I try to speak up?

I am sure I will continue this in T, but I am wondering and thinking about it now. I feel so broken by life sometimes that I don't think I can take another hit. I am too afraid to try with people anymore.

Wow, i totally hear you on this. I dont know what to say, but i am the same.

[unaluna]

the Rifleman told his son today, it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it only matters what YOU think of you. "Principle" isn't just another word. Your parents, like my family of origin, were wrong. They got it all wrong about who I was and what I was made of. So - too bad for them. But as long as we are breathing, we can live life on our terms. Start from there.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

the Rifleman told his son today, it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it only matters what YOU think of you. "Principle" isn't just another word. Your parents, like my family of origin, were wrong. They got it all wrong about who I was and what I was made of. So - too bad for them. But as long as we are breathing, we can live life on our terms. Start from there.

i totally agree with this. it is hard to do but with practice maybe it would get easier

Originally Posted by hankster

the Rifleman told his son today, it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it only matters what YOU think of you. "Principle" isn't just another word. Your parents, like my family of origin, were wrong. They got it all wrong about who I was and what I was made of. So - too bad for them. But as long as we are breathing, we can live life on our terms. Start from there.

I know you're right...intellectually, but emotionally what I think of me is all tied up in what they think. How do you just cut the tangled mess of strings tying to me to the wrong things they instilled?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

How do you just cut the tangled mess of strings tying to me to the wrong things they instilled?

what a good description that is. life's problems are hard enough, with just your own tangles. but maybe it's like quitting smoking, either go cold turkey or do it slow, but just do it. I went cold turkey on the family, but it still took a couple of years for me to stop thinking that way. weird!

Originally Posted by hankster

what a good description that is. life's problems are hard enough, with just your own tangles. but maybe it's like quitting smoking, either go cold turkey or do it slow, but just do it. I went cold turkey on the family, but it still took a couple of years for me to stop thinking that way. weird!

This gives me a lot of hope. Thank so much for this Hankster. I have gone cold turkey on my FOO this past year. It has been painful and difficult. However it is has allowed me to grow in ways I wouldn't have been able to before. I know it takes time to do this, but right now, I believe what I have been told/shown.

I wish I could love and value myself and feel good about me, but it feels like learning a different language. I'm glad that you have gotten to a place of self acceptance and recognizing your self worth.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I am too afraid to try with people anymore.

Do you have a pet? When people let you down, animals can be a great comfort.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Do you have a pet? When people let you down, animals can be a great comfort.

Yes. We have a dog. The only time I really gain comfort from her is when no one else is around. Everyone else is very demanding. I can really dote on her when it is just the two of us and it is a great comfort to have her. For some reason I don't want anyone else to know how attached I am to her. Is that weird?

Your doing what needs to be done- therapy - now you have the words you can think about it more and with that comes awareness & change.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

How do I feel good about myself when I invest myself in others and they reciprocate by leaving, getting angry with me, or treating me poorly when I try to speak up?

This question reminded me of when my husband and I were dating and we were walking down the street, hand-in-hand, and a pole came up in our way. I saw the pole and thought about it, made a plan for how I was going to "win" and pull him off balance and over to my side to go around before he let go of my hand or pulled me to him.

Much to my shock, still hand-in-hand, he nudged me over to my side of the pole as if it were the most natural thing in the world; it was perhaps the second most eye-opening experience I had with him, the first being when I laid my head on his chest and asked if I could stay there forever and he answered, "yes" (and I decided on the spot I was keeping this one! :-)

It was your word "invest" that got me remembering. You make it sound like the other person is a project or financial speculation instead of someone you walk along with, hand-in-hand?

You need to first walk with yourself, not thinking of your parents or siblings (my brothers, why I was going to pull him off-balance, it is what I learned from growing up with three older brothers) or teachers or spouses or anything other than what you want, but you must be aware of what you want. You cannot be open to something else unless you know what you already are doing, thinking, feeling, believing. I was opened to being shocked but pleasantly so by my DH's move. It was different from what I would have done and I understood in my bones, just how and I wanted that!

What do you choose when you walk down the street? One does not "trade" with significant others; I do this for you/you do the other (or same) for me. You give to others because you love them, you sincerely want them to have that experience, to feel, be, do, have the best they can. But you want that for selfish reasons; you want what you want because you want it, it makes you feel good.

Figure out what truly makes you feel good, go do it, and it will attract others and you pick and choose your partners, your friends and lovers from those who enjoy what you enjoy and enjoy you enjoying it!

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I am still chewing on my Wednesday session. Soon to be exH came to an earlier session that day. (completely pointless but that would be a story for a different forum) Anyway in my session, T said something along the lines of, I let people know by how I behave, or act in a way, that lets them know I am unimportant.

Working on boundaries would be helpful...