[Miswimmy1]

I was doing exposure work with my t today. Involving being physically close enough to my dad so that we could ride in the same car. I was really scared. She stood outside with me, and said, "I know there is abuse, but what is it that makes you so uncomfortable?" I have never considered my dad abusive. Yes he's said things that are very emotionally hurtful; things that I wont ever forget. But is that abuse? How can it be that she thinks its so bad that I was "abused" when I can't see it myself? I don't know what to think.

[CantExplain]

"Exposure work"? How does this operate?
I have a vision of T putting you in the car with you Dad, but that doesn't seem likely.

[Miswimmy1]

It is purposefully exposing myself to what triggers my anxiety attacks. So yes. My t and I took a drive with my dad in the car (after she coaxed me into the car)

[stopdog]

Is your dad different with the therapist there?

[Miswimmy1]

No? I mean he's on his best behavior. It's only when he's angry that he says bad things

[Bill3]

Yes he's said things that are very emotionally hurtful; things that I wont ever forget. But is that abuse? How can it be that she thinks its so bad that I was "abused" when I can't see it myself? I don't know what to think.

I am very sorry to hear that you must treat being with your dad as a form of exposure therapy. I can see why it is necessary, but i feel very bad that the situation does require it, miswimmy1. I'm so sorry.

You could research emotional abuse and verbal abuse online. For example:

Verbal abuse:

A form of emotional abuse consisting of the use of abusive and demeaning language with a spouse, child, or elder, often by a caregiver or other person in a position of power.

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedic...m/verbal+abuse

Verbal abuse includes the following: countering, withholding, discounting, abuse disguised as a joke, blocking and diverting, accusing and blaming, judging and criticizing, trivializing, undermining, threatening, name calling, chronic forgetting, ordering, denial of anger or abuse, and abusive anger.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse

Here is a very helpful discussion of the difference between anger and abuse:

Here are a few ways to distinguish anger from abuse. Anger informs others about our own needs and feelings through “I” statements: abuse is about putting down, silencing, intimidating, and threatening others through “you” statements. Anger asks for attention, accountability, amends, and restitution: abuse seeks revenge, punishment and humiliation. Angry people own and express their own feelings: abusive persons export their own fear to others. Anger seeks to address and resolve problems: abuse is about overpowering and winning. Anger deals with the present issue: abuse is more often the result of a build-up of past issues and misplaced rage. Anger is fully consistent with love because it aims at deeper understanding and connection. It moves toward the other. Abuse is motivated by fear and hatred, and moves against the other. Anger is usually a brief flare and ends in closure: abuse arises from a smoldering fire of resentment, bitterness, and vengefulness that is never quenched. Appropriate anger, above all, is always nonviolent, safe, and in control: abuse is threatening, unsafe, and sometimes violent.

http://www.tommoon.net/articles/WhenAngerAbuse.html

This last article (although actually a response to a question that does not apply to you) imo is quite enlightening and i recommend it to you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I have never considered my dad abusive. Yes he's said things that are very emotionally hurtful; things that I wont ever forget. But is that abuse? How can it be that she thinks its so bad that I was "abused" when I can't see it myself?

Children depend on their parents for survival so they have to see them in a good light. For your own survival you would also have to normalize things in order to cope.

Is your T working with your dad on his behavior?

[Miswimmy1]

She is trying... But... U can't teach an old dog new tricks

Actually sometimes you can. I had therapy in college and with my T's guidance, talked to my father about the abuse (I tried to talk to my mother, but she just wouldn't have any of it). My dad, on the other hand, after an initial really defensive reaction, actually apologized. He took responsibility, said he was sorry and made a huge effort to change. Our relationship improved dramatically and we were really close for a goodly number of years.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

How can it be that she thinks its so bad that I was "abused" when I can't see it myself? I don't know what to think.

It's very common for those who have been abused to minimize what they went through. It's a protective mechanism.

The first time my T said the word "abuse," it was a shock. I'd never thought of what happened as abuse. I figured all kids went through what I went through and therefore, it was normal. It can take a long time and a lot of repetition to see it any other way.

[stopdog]

I understand it is difficult to not think what parents do is normal even when experts say it is not.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by critterlady

It's very common for those who have been abused to minimize what they went through. It's a protective mechanism.

The first time my T said the word "abuse," it was a shock. I'd never thought of what happened as abuse. I figured all kids went through what I went through and therefore, it was normal. It can take a long time and a lot of repetition to see it any other way.

I had this shock as well, and it took me some time to stop minimizing my own pain ....sustained through years of somehow growing up in the vicinity of my violent father.

I still find myself downplaying the damages..or telling myself that if it's not life-threatening physical harm, it must not be cruelty or outright abuse.

but it is, and the scar tissue is there, visible or not.

[QuietCat]

Originally Posted by critterlady

It's very common for those who have been abused to minimize what they went through. It's a protective mechanism.

The first time my T said the word "abuse," it was a shock. I'd never thought of what happened as abuse. I figured all kids went through what I went through and therefore, it was normal. It can take a long time and a lot of repetition to see it any other way.

This is how it was with me too. When T said it sounded like my childhood was one of abuse and neglect I immediately denied it and tried to explain to him that I was just a quiet child and I didn't make my needs more clearly known to the adults around me. As I started researching abuse/neglect on the internets it became more clear that T had been right. But it was hard to come to accept that my childhood was not what childhood is meant to be like, and I still struggle with it.

[autotelica]

I have the same resistance you have. The only advice I can give is just a reminder that "abuse" doesn't have to mean something big and horrific or long-lasting. A gun shot wound is an injury. So is a sprained ankle. Being beaten to a pulp by a parent is abuse. So is being called a horrible name.

My father can be cruel too, and he got physical with his violence when we were coming up. Do I think of him as an abusive parent? No. Do I identify myself as a survivor of child abuse? No. Do I think I suffered some abuses? Sure. I don't have to characterize my entire childhood by those incidents, but I'm not going to forget them either just because I love my father.

Many children will experience some abuses growing up, and only a subset will rise to the level of having an "abusive childhood". But that doesn't mean that isolated or not-so-frequent episodes can't still be traumatic.