Was I paranoid?

All,

I've been away from the board for a long time (or at least seems to me). So...out of the blue, a week or so ago, I got an envelope in the snail mail from my cold, distant T ...haven't seen the guy for a really long time. It was a receipt for really old charges. Which i never submitted to my insurance and had not requested. Just a sad old receipt.

Like I need that now?

I never requested it. I did not want it.

Yet I got it, and it brought back a lot (not all) of the old pain of trying to connect with him, failing (I thought) and going back time after frustrating time. What an ****** he was. And how much I wanted his appreciation or something.....It all came back.

I had a major YICK moment. Unbidden and everything. I'm sure that he was just doing his paperwork or something but it was still a drag.

And I realize that although I posted here during the worst of it, there were moments when I felt as though I could not be very candid here because of the small chance that he would read my postings...

Was I paranoid back then?
I suppose it's possible! Are any of you worried that your T might read your posts and know that it is YOU?

Have you ever had that YICK moment regarding an old T? Just seeing his return address made my stomach do an elevator flop.

Life is so much better post cold, distant T...but I still feel vulnerable from time to time.

Blessings,
MCL

Bad Facilitator phoned me several times trying to get me back to the group. Just leave me alone! It's over!

Sorry he contacted you. That would feel icky no matter what the reason.

Amen..

It felt cheesy, which would not have necessarily been the case had it been closer to the exit point, or if it had included a note saying something like, hope you are well, in case you need these receipts.

But it's all of a piece, I suppose.

Ugh.....

Seems like a continuing manipulation.

you got it....best thing I can do is...nothing.

Old T is probably just tidying up the books for accounting purposes. Don't attach any more meaning to it than that. Not manipulative; just bookkeeping.

I cannot imagine my T being interested enough in me to wade through the posts on this site trying to guess which ones are mine. Number 1, he has a life (unlike me), and number 2, I'm supposed to speak up in therapy and ask for what I want. He could care less if I'm venting away about him here (which I do regularly ). All he's concerned about is what goes on IN SESSION (he doesn't allow contact between sessions).

So, I feel perfectly safe to rant and rave here all I want......

I honestly can't imagine ANY T being so interested in a patient that they would come here and browse the posts .... plus it has a very stalkerish feel to it.

I vote for just a teeny bit of paranoia .....

Yeah, it would seem so. And could be true. But our friend here had been through the ringer with him so anything's possible. But she's right, just let it go. Don't let him have any more influence.

UGH. Yeah, that would definitely dredge up all sorts of unpleasant for me. Who knows what his motivation was -- could be bookkeeping, could be being obnoxious (if I remember correctly the guy could be pretty obnoxious, at least in the therapy setting). Doesn't matter, what matters is this puts you in a crappy place. Old emotions just make us really vulnerable; takes time for these things to scar over, and right now it sounds like your scab just got picked at.

I don't worry too much about my old T reading what I post, but then I don't have the kind of combative relationship with him that I have read about others experiencing... where T seeing something could affect the way they behave in session. Besides, my T knew just about everything that was going on with me... there may be one or two things I didn't tell him that I've posted about, but I'd get over it.

Still, the internet is a place that it's pretty good to paranoid about. I have to remember sometimes that the chances of someone I know coming on here are small, and the chances of them finding their way to my posts, even smaller. But I don't think it'd take very long for someone who knows me well to identify me. That freaks me out on occasion, since I have written about things that almost no one knows about. Though I gotta say, if someone ever did realize it was me and tried to bring it up with me, I'd say, so what were YOU doing a psychotherapy message board?

Sorry you've gotten poked at where it's sore. I hope the feeling passes quickly

As I said in my original post:

I'm sure that he was just doing his paperwork or something but it was still a drag.

That's what I said.

I am not attaching any "more meaning," But I am saying that it was distressing.

OKAY?

thank you so much for your compassion

yeah, it's sore. It was a hard T r/s. And yeah, I'm feeling a lot better but the scab did rip!

I'm moving along, and if the (small, today) benefit is that I do see how much better I'm doing outside that therapy relationship. Maybe it took that incident to offer a comparison, and the news is good. I feel more happy, free and confident.

Getting that receipt in the mail reminded me how expensive (no insurance coverage) that relationship was, both financially and emotionally.

Ah...freedom!

Burn the receipt as a symbol of the finality of the entire thing. As for T's reading post on here....I don't think they have that kind of time considering they have lots of clients. But if if my T did come on here, he works for me... so I can say what I want, I have nothing to hide.

I wasn't criticizing or attacking. Sorry if I said the wrong thing. Wasn't my intent to upset you further. My apologies if I did.

Burning ceremony to begin tonight with a toast to freedom!

Now that's news I can use!

No problem, F.G. I am snarky about the whole thing....sorry...I value your insight....The whole thing was just such a drag and the snail mail thing just brought it all up again, front and center, in the fall, when I sometimes grapple with depression. Sheesh! And yes, that's when I read too much into things...when I am feeling vulnerable anyway. Waaaahhhh!

I'm trying to write it all off as a Halloween moment, a bit early!

Boo!

Blessings

MCL

I think a burning release ceremony sounds like a good plan.