like therapy but not sure if I want to change

Hi everyone,
The past few weeks have been super hectic - I've been meaning to write about this for a while but haven't gotten around to coming to this forum at all >_<

Anyway, like my title says, I really like going to therapy - I like my T a lot, and I like talking about my feelings, and behaviors (I can't really talk about it with my friends). I guess I like therapy because I like talking about myself, which I know is really self-centered and I hate myself for thinking that. But I'm not 100% sure if I want to give up my behaviors. I DO want to stop feeling so sad and empty, but I don't know if I'm ready to let go of the maladaptive coping skills I've been using. I was talking to my friend about this, and she pretty much told me it was a waste of my time and money if I'm going to therapy but don't want to change. I know there's truth in that, but it hurts

I want to feel ready to let go and move on with my life but I'm not sure how to get that motivation. I know some things that are making me hold on to these old thoughts/behaviors is because they're familiar (it's what I've known for the past 10 years) and change is scary.

I guess I just wanted to put that out there - I feel like I'm an awful person thinking these things, so I needed to put it out on "paper". Thanks for listening!

I don't think therapy is a waste of time and money, even if you're not willing to change just yet. As long as you're willing to listen to what your therapist has to say, it can be a way to becoming willing to change. Like you said, change is scary. And our maladaptive coping skills are familiar and can be pretty comfortable, even if the results are not. Please don't forget, though, that you won't be defenseless without them. You'll have a set of skills that actually work to replace the old ones.

Can you talk to your T about this? Tell him or her that you're afraid of giving up those old skills.

Hi onlytime. You are definitely NOT a horrible person for not wanting to change your behaviors. I think it is common for people to want to stick with what they know because it feels safe, and that is the only way they know how to cope with problems/stresses in their life. Going to therapy is the first step to solving this issue, and you should talk to your therapist about how you are feeling, she will not think you are horrible for feeling this way.

To use an example, when I first started therapy, I was abusing these ADD pills that I was not even prescribed, I would buy large amounts from someone I knew. They made me manic, depressed, couldn't sleep, etc...Part of me wanted to stop taking them, but another part of me didn't because they helped me cope so well with school, being active, etc. I was to the point where I honestly felt like I couldn't even clean my room without taking a pill. I wanted to stop using them, but at the same time I didn't because taking them was the only way I knew how to live my life and deal with my problems. So you are not alone at all, and please don't think you are a horrible person because you don't want to change your maladaptive behaviors.

Actually, I think you're taking a step towards change by admitting that you don't know if you want to change.

Well, IF you think that the maladaptive coping skills and behaviours are contributing to your feeling sad and lonely, then you are in quite a dilemma. You're kinda stuck.

Actually it sounds a little like you are using therapy to help you to feel less sad and lonely.

I wonder if it's actually keeping you from wanting/having to change? In that sense, it might not be a waste of time and money, but entirely counterproductive.

You're not a bad person for not wanting to change. It's really really hard. Worth it, but wowsa!

If your therapist isn't helping you come up with alternatives to maladaptive coping techniques, then they aren't doing a good job.

And if you aren't at least considering their ideas, I don't think you're getting your money's worth. Having someone to listen to is great, but eventually don't you run out of things to talk about?

You don't say how long you've been in therapy. If you've just started, then of course you would be afraid to change. But if it's been years of kvetching but no doing, then I would think your therapist would have something to say, if they are doing their job well.

I haven't given up all of my ways. They are safe and my therapist hasn't given me a better solution. And then there are some ways that I want to give up because I think they are "bad", and my therapist fights me! But I guess I don't feel like I'm spinning my wheels because I have listened to her a little bit. As long as you listen "a little bit", you're in the clear!

Thanks for all the replies! It helps so much to know that people want to listen/care!

critterlady:
Good point! I guess I give into the old behaviors so quickly without even trying to use new skills. I haven't talked to my therapist about it yet, but I should. I'm afraid it will make her realize that it IS a waste of my (and her) time. But I need to be honest with her.

franki_j:
Thanks for the validation and reassurance that I'm not a horrible person. It's also good to know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get from that point to wanting to change?

Elliemay:
I know rationally that the maladaptive coping skills and behaviors are perpetuating the sadness and emptiness, but it's also the only thing that takes the edge off those feelings. So, you're right - I'm stuck. I know the only way I can stop that cycle is to stop the behaviors, but I feel like the feelings will swallow me whole if I don't do anything to make them go away. I'm sure some of it has to do with me not knowing how to sit with uncomfortable feelings. As for therapy being counterproductive - there is definitely truth/insight in that, as much as I hate to admit it. I still want the support of therapy, but I want it to be used productively. I just don't know how if I'm not completely willing to change.

Ugh, sorry for rambling and going around in circles - I hope that made at least a little sense.

Thanks for the reply! This is so embarrassing but I've been in therapy for 10 years, mostly on an outpatient basis, but I've also been hospitalized more times than I would like to admit. I've had so much treatment - I should be able to at least be ready to change, but I'm not. Well, I guess there have been periods of time during which I was doing much better and actually working toward change. As far as the therapist goes, I've moved around the past few years so I've seen a few different therapists. I really need to talk to my therapist about this, but I'm so ashamed/embarrassed.

Well, I always kind of wanted to change, but there was a part of me that didn't. I even got into an argument about it with my therapist, after I hadn't taken them in awhile and then started again, she got mad at me and I felt horrible. So at first I felt like I was doing it for her, if that makes sense. Like, the only reason why I wasn't taking them was so she wouldn't be disappointed in me, and I hated telling her that I was taking them because it made me feel like a failure.
But eventually I began to like myself more and more without them, and when I did take them I would notice the negative side effects as opposed to when I was not taking them. So gradually I began to want to never take them again because they were bad for me, not just because I didn't want to disappoint my therapist. I guess it helped that I had someone to hold me accountable for taking those pills, because no one else knew I was taking them.

Actually just acknowleging that out loud is a step towards change. A part of you has already started. Good job!

franki_j: Thanks so much for sharing! I guess I never thought about how it would be helpful to have someone to hold me accountable. I'm going to have to do some brainstorming to figure out some motivators for me to stop self-harming. I guess it would be ideal if they were intrinsic, but at this point, any motivation would do! Thanks again for sharing - it helps to know that it's possible to get un-stuck.

Kacey2:
Thanks for pointing that out! I was so nervous about posting because I thought everyone would agree with me and tell me that I'm a horrible person for feeling/thinking this way. It's such a relief to know that you guys don't see it that way!

It is in your hands onlytime. What do you feel that you have to work on so that you don't have to have coping mechanisms to get through life?

I can relate as I like going to therapy and talking about myself too I have a tendency to be too hard on myself and I wonder if you are too? Change is hard for most people but I also think there's a natural inclination towards it given the right circumstances. So you might not be ready for change now, but further down the line it might be different. It's not a waste of time because you're accepting where you are and how you feel. The first step towards change is accepting where you are right now and all the resistence you have. If you were in denial it might be more difficult for you but it sounds like you have a good grip on yourself it's just that you don't feel ready to move on yet. That's okay. I repeatedly told my T during our first few months together 'I know what to do, I just don't want to do it!' I meant it. I didn't want to change, move on, grow or even speak about 'unmet needs' because I wanted T to meet them. But as the time has gone on, I'm slowly moving forward. Dont force yourself - enjoy the relationship.

I think your half way toward changing. It's the change thats causing these feelings so don't worry, you won't wake up suddenly in a life you don't recognise/want. It's tiny steps. You've obviously taken quite a few now to reach this awareness.

Hi Onlytime,

Good insight to realize about yourself that you resist making changes.

Now what might help -- in addition to making a list of reasons to change -- is to list reasons why you are resisting change. What's holding you back from making change? When you think about making changes, what sort of thoughts, fears, or emotions arise?

Once you realize what's holding you back, you can discuss these reasons with your therapist. Then she can help you analyze these thoughts, fears, and emotions and determine whether they are valid reasons for staying the same.

Often times, we are so used to seeing ourselves, and experiencing ourselves, a certain way that it feels scary or odd to change now. If at the present time, we see ourselves as being "this way" or "that way," then what will it mean if we change? Are we afraid we would lose our sense of who we are?

Or perhaps we are afraid that if we change, other people in our lives won't like it or accept it. What if it makes our relationships strained?

It could be too that we're resisting making progress because we feel attached the our therapist and are afraid that once we begin making changes, we will lose that relationship.

Everyone is different, so the reasons for resisting change can vary too. B

By asking yourself what your fears are about change, it will shine light on the issues you need to work on in your therapy with your therapist.

Thanks for all your thoughts and feedback! I love that you guys are asking me questions that are making me think!

Sannah:
I know this is very general, but I just want to feel SAFE. I think if I feel grounded and that I'll be okay, I wouldn't need so desperately to use unhealthy skills to make myself feel okay. I'm at a loss of how to get there though

Dreamy01:
It's good to know that I'm not alone!
I really hope that's true! Thanks for acknowledging that by accepting where I am and how I feel is a step in the right direction!
I can relate to this so much! I want my T to take care of me, so I think part of holding on to these behaviors is related to not wanting to take responsibility for myself and my well-being. I'm an adult and I know I have to though.

earthmamma:
That's a good point that it won't come all of a sudden (unfortunately). I guess realizing and accepting that it's going to come in baby steps, and with a lot of work is helpful.

peaches100:
I really appreciate you throwing those questions out there - they really made me think!
This really resonates with me. I think since I've been dealing with this for a long time and for extended periods of time, my entire life revolved around therapy/treatment/hospitals, all of my issues and behaviors have become intertwined with my sense of identity.

I hate to admit it, but this is definitely true for me. I like the attention I get from my T and am afraid that I'll lose her if I get better. I actually talked about this with another T and she reassured me that she'll be there for as long as I wanted to see her, but that she thinks eventually I won't need that relationship anymore. I hope she's right but I have a hard time imagining myself surviving without the support of a T.

I guess from some of what I said, it may sound like I think letting go of my behaviors is an easy "yes or no" choice and that if I choose to feel better, it will automatically. While I do think I have some control over whether or not I want to let go and move forward, I don't want it to seem like I think it's that simple. There have been times when I've been actively working toward recovery but was still stuck because the depression had such a strong grip on me.

Sorry for rambling on! I REALLY appreciate all of this feedback -you guys are awesome!

I actually talked about this with another T and she reassured me that she'll be there for as long as I wanted to see her, but that she thinks eventually I won't need that relationship anymore. I hope she's right but I have a hard time imagining myself surviving without the support of a T.

If I can encourage you from my own experience, I would say really try not to worry about losing your t down the road. I've let this fear impede me for a long time in therapy, and it has kept me frozen in fear. Now that we've been working together for several years, I've thought to myself, "Wow, if I had known then my t was going to stay with me this long, I would not have wasted so much time fretting and worrying about termination!" I caused myself tons of pain over it, and it has made my progress slower. I wish I had been able to just set the fear aside, trusting that when the time for termination comes, I will be ready and/or my t will help me to be ready.

I guess from some of what I said, it may sound like I think letting go of my behaviors is an easy "yes or no" choice and that if I choose to feel better, it will automatically. While I do think I have some control over whether or not I want to let go and move forward, I don't want it to seem like I think it's that simple. There have been times when I've been actively working toward recovery but was still stuck because the depression had such a strong grip on me.

You are right. Change and recovery are not automatic just because a person decides to change. What happens most often is that the decision to change must be made many times at many places in recovery. There may be bursts of progress, and then setbacks. It's an ongoing process. Progress at one time may be more difficult than at another time. Like you mentioned, change is more difficult the stronger the depression grips you. It is often "two steps forward, one step back."

When you find yourself "one step back," find the strength to move forward again. It's a process of learning to think and behave differently. It takes practice and time. Think of a baby learning to walk. Sometimes they are going to fall down. But eventually, they get up and try again. With each tumble, the decision must be made all over again to progress/change. With time and practice, it gets easier.

This is a major issue for me too. T has reassured me that I can see her until I don't need her anymore, but I still feel that every step in the right direction takes me further away from her. Irrational perhaps.

Peaches100:
Thanks for sharing your insight! It's hard to trust/believe that I'll be ready then, but hearing that helps! And that's so true we all need to get back up when we fall. I really hope you're right and that it does get easier!