T mentioned my csa name today. I felt anger then fell into silence. T said saying his name seems to put me back in it. To true. She asked me if I could put words to what was going on. I couldn't until near the end when a small voice whispered "I wish a dragon could have roared over my head". T said "yes there was no one you could talk to about what was happening". I remember her saying that in today's world I would have been put on the at risk register. I growled at her that in that case a lot of people let me down back then because no one rescued me.

I haven't left session feeling this **** for a long time.

earthmamma, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. People did let you down back then, and I'm sorry that happened.

You must have felt so alone. It makes me sad to think that no one was there to rescue you. So sorry for what you're going through now, all these years later. I hope therapy will ease some of your pain and anger. It sounds like you're really making progress, but there are bound to be some of these sessions where everything just sucks. Hugs

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry, earthmamma.

I hope someday his name holds NO MEANING at all and the mention of it won't even bring you to flinch. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad

[perseverance11]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

T mentioned my csa name today. I felt anger then fell into silence. T said saying his name seems to put me back in it. To true. She asked me if I could put words to what was going on. I couldn't until near the end when a small voice whispered "I wish a dragon could have roared over my head". T said "yes there was no one you could talk to about what was happening". I remember her saying that in today's world I would have been put on the at risk register. I growled at her that in that case a lot of people let me down back then because no one rescued me.

I haven't left session feeling this **** for a long time.

Sorry to hear that, that must be terrible to feel alone.
At least, you can talk about it here.

Eathmamma, I work at a uni and every once in awhile will come across a student with the same name as one of my abusers.
i hate it. it takes everything i have not to put them in the same category... and the student wasn't even born when the csa happened to me...

i understand and i am sorry. you are not alone
sending safe hugs

[skeksi]

I really relate to the wish that SOMEBODY had done SOMETHING. It's a festering anger and sadness inside of me that I can't resolve, and I can't let it go because I'm so hurt and feel so diminished by being unprotected.

If this happened now, I bet YOU could roar like a dragon. I bet your T could, too.

I wish things were better for you back then

Originally Posted by skeksi

I really relate to the wish that SOMEBODY had done SOMETHING. It's a festering anger and sadness inside of me that I can't resolve, and I can't let it go because I'm so hurt and feel so diminished by being unprotected.

If this happened now, I bet YOU could roar like a dragon. I bet your T could, too.

I can't let myself feel the rage I have trapped inside at being let down by everyone. From the day social services enabled the illegal sale from one abuser to another. I found old paperwork describing me as this unwanted baby. I had to food it up and put it away. The only escape is to know my children's life's were so so different to mine. That gives me joy.

Thanks for all the kind words in this thread. I thought I was passed writing about this area of my life. I & I think T were both taken by surprise at how quick I was lost in "it" again.

[Wren_]

((((earthmamma)))) how are you now?

Keeping on top of it. Thanks for asking.

[Wren_]

I'm glad