[Sunne]

I tried EMDR today. I couldn't let myself release emotion. I was holding on so tightly to not let myself cry. A few tears slipped out but I felt so blocked. A tear would come and I would feel myself suck the emotion back.

Once a tear starting slipping my T would say "That's it.." or "Let it come.." and "It's okay to feel.."
But I just couldn't let it come out. I was so tense in my back and shoulders.

Then he did a light hypnosis and was able to speak to an ego state that is like a dark shadow. The ego state said it is blocking my emotion because it is angry at me, I don't deserve to feel, and I am a b***h!

So strange.

I feel so broken. I wish I could let myself feel but I just can't. I want to cry so badly about everything that has happened to me, but I don't know how to 'let it come'. EMDR is supposed to help with this and that doesn't even work for me.

Feels like a waste of a session.

[rainbow8]

I used to do EMDR a lot with my T and I never cried. She told me that there is no right or wrong way to do EMDR and it can work even if you think it's not, because it makes changes in your brain. Please don't base the effectiveness of EMDR on one session. Also, did your T tell you that you might feel the effects later, like in a day or two? EMDR is different for everyone, and to my knowledge, it isn't necessary to cry.

I've never cried in therapy. I wish I could but it's not something we can force ourselves to do. Can you cry outside of therapy?

Give EMDR some time if you can. Good luck!

[adel34]

Sun,
Sounds like a hard session. Hopefully in time it'll get easier and you'll be able to let out your feelings more. Also, maybe if your t does more of that ego state stuff it could help unblock your feelings. Good luck with everything.

[sunrise]

It sounds like you are doing really hard work. It's OK that only a few tears came out. The rest will be waiting there to be released when you are ready. Maybe it will be in EMDR and maybe it won't. Maybe it will be in therapy and maybe it will be at home in the privacy of your bedroom with your lights out. There is no right or wrong.

I think the ego state work sounds like a really promising direction. That shadow state sounds very important to know about and work with. Sounds like very important work! My T often combined ego state work with EMDR and this worked well for me. Good luck. Keep going. It's OK to do things in your own unique way.

[Sunne]

Thank you. Some emotion came rolling out yesterday in big waves. T got me on the phone and we talked for an hour.

We have a half day session on Wednesday. I'll be there all morning and this time he said we'll start with hypnosis to get all ego states on board and comfortable, then do the EMDR. Also will stop and do grounding as needed.

T is so gentle about it all. I have become so close to him. I trust him more than anyone. I think the relationship is doing much of the work with healing but I want the release. It's been stuck inside for so long.

T said he will hold my hand too. I think that will make me feel safe. I'm also going to wrap up in a blanket because I was shivering last time. I'm a bit scared of the emotion. I have many traumas to work through and I'm an expert on dissociating. Emotional constriction I think it's called.

He does make it fun though. The techniques he uses are all Harry Potter influenced. Makes it seem magical and safe.

I'll update how the marathon session goes next week.