[adel34]

Hi Everyone,
I know I haven't posted in a long time!
I'm happily settling into a day program, finally! I go four days a week. One day I have groups straight through, and the other days I have some breaks, which is hard for me because I isolate or want to sleep. But I'll work on this. I love the staff there are three therapists that run the groups, plus a batch of very kind interns. I'm slowly getting to know the other clients too. I'll post more on groups later.
Since the summer I've been working with this OT (Ocupational therapy) agency. They just this summer started coming in to work with the residents of where I'm living. Their concept of OT is holistic, so addressing all aspects of someone's life. After the few months I've been communicating with the head OT and his staff, doing exercise sessions, and different things, the head OT came up with a treatment plan, which he wrote himself without me knowing what it was!
My new therapist was like,"I wonder what it could be that you don't have input into it!" I'm like yeah I know.
I was hoping that he could get this to me before today so I could discuss it in therapy. Though he said before sending it that he thought I wouldn't be upset by it, rather find it empowering, I had a nagging sense that it would be upsetting and was anxious about it from the minute he suggested sending it to me.
His instructions were to look it over, talk with my therapist about it, edit it and send it back.
So I open it up. His first observation is that I'm "overfocused on affect and mood state." That I "let emotions make decisions for me," and the goal was something along the lines of that I'd just basically do healthy behaviors and activities no matter how I felt, and this in turn would change my emotions.
First of all, I've tried this already several times. Most notably was my last year of college where I was very depressed and overwhelmed. I pushed myself through classes and internship and in general felt like I was just going through the motions. If I didn't have the support of the disability coordinator keeping me on task I'd probably still be there. So that's how good that worked for me. He might have asked about this before writing it down.
Secondly, I feel completely hurt by this whole overfocuses on emotions thing. He and I had such a good connection from the start. I started naturally e-mailing him how I was feeling, and felt so good that it seemed he was able to understand my very complicated inner world. I even asked him once if it was ok for me to write him, he said it seemed to help so go for it. Meanwhile he was thinking this stuff? For how long? I feel backed into a corner. If I tell him I'm extremly upset by this he may well say that I'm just focused on my feelings too much again. After all he presented as that he doubted I'd be upset. In general, the worst feeling is feeling like I trusted him with deep feelings and now he's saying it's too much.
The second part of the plan was goals to be accomplished in the next six to eight weeks. Following was a very long list of stuff that I know I'll never be able to do. Including learning to take the bus/subway (I'm totally blind, and the thought of doing this makes me think I'll end up under someone's car at any moment!, and I'm perfectly content taking paratransit), look for a volunteer or part time job, keep to this insanely structured routeen that includes only taking one nap of less than an hour a day, and several other things. I'm more overwhelmed by that than anything else. I just got to this program two weeks ago. The groups that I'm in don't end til February. I'd love to do volunteer work at some point, but am lost on what it is I'd like to do. I feel like this is all just being thrown at me way too fast.
I wrote my case manager and therapist and attached the plan and said what I thought of it. After I read it I felt awful just wanted to cry but wouldn't let myself. I SID (scratching really no big deal), and have generally felt tense and anxious the whole night. I'm fighting the urge to write VMT, (who says that I can still contact her though I have a new therapist, and am trying to force myself to focus on that and not former t) to ask her if she thinks I'm "overfocused" on my feelings. I'm thinking she'd probably laugh! A good part of our work was spent trying to get me to get out of my head, stop analyzing things and distanceing, and start expressing my feelings!
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening.

[Willowleaf]

You poor person. It sounds like he was trying to help, but maybe got some of it wrong. Maybe the timescales are just far too fast. Try not to panic talk with your t and hang on in there. It sounds like you are in a good programme that is really helping you. Sometimes people try to help and just get things wrong. Thats not your fault.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by adel34

and am trying to force myself to focus on that and not former t) to ask her if she thinks I'm "overfocused" on my feelings. I'm thinking she'd probably laugh! A good part of our work was spent trying to get me to get out of my head, stop analyzing things and distanceing, and start expressing my feelings!

Focus and over-focus is about analyzing! It is great that you have an opinion about this treatment plan idea of the OT's, it sounds like that's what he was hoping for. That you "discuss" feelings and think about feelings is not the same as feeling the feelings and using them to help you. Feelings are just feelings, aren't good or bad and thinking about and "expressing" them is not good or bad but if you are letting them get in the way ("and the thought of doing this makes me think I'll end up under someone's car at any moment") instead of helping you move forward, maybe you need to "think about" them differently?

Your OT's thoughts and opinions are his. They may or may not be useful to you but it is up to you to look at them honestly and see what they might have to offer. That you have this big a reaction to them, makes me think they might be hitting close to home for you? If you were not focused on your emotions, you would not be this anxious or have this great an emotional reaction? You cannot change how you feel! Feelings come and go, like weather; they're information; if it gets cloudy, you break out the umbrella. If you are feeling anxious, you see what feels scary and what you can DO to make it less scary. Just saying, "oh, no, that's too scary, I don't want to think about or deal with that" doesn't help in any way? That's like not wanting to go to an appointment because it's cloudy and may rain later.

I hope you can talk about this with everyone involved and work out a timetable and compromise that works for you. It sounds like this guy may not be the best person with whom to discuss your feelings.

[rainbow8]

I'm glad that you are finally in a day program that you like!!! That is such good news!!

I'm sorry that you are upset with the OT head's treatment plan. He sounds very much like a CBT T, with his concern about your overfocusing on feelings rather than on actions to change your feelings. I think it's healthy to be in the middle somewhere.

I think the best course of action for you is to discuss the plan with your T and see what she thinks of it all. I'd bring up your concerns about the overfocusing, since dealing with your feelings is her expertise and what you're seeing her for. I know that you sent her and your case magager the plan. Try not to worry more until you hear what they both have to say!

You don't have to do anything just because the OT head is suggesting it. I think it's a lot to do, and would be overwhelming to me too! I'm sure parts of it are acceptable to you. Volunteering and/or working is a goal that you have too. Maybe riding on the bus yourself isn't a goal right now, but maybe in the future.

I'm wondering why you nap during the day. Is it because of your depression? I don't mean to pry, but young adults usually don't need to nap. Maybe you could discuss your sleeping habits with your T? If you are so tired from all of your activities, maybe you're doing too much!!

I understand the stress you're going through right now, but I think you're on the right track now that you have a T and a day program that you like. I hope your T has some good feedback for you about the OT's treatment plan. Lots of hugs for you. I'm not using the hug icon because I think you said that your reader/machine can't say them. Is that right?

Hang in there, Adel!!!

[adel34]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all your responses and support!
The latest is that at first today my case manager responded to my e-mail saying how stressful this must be for me, but that unfortunately she was busy all day and so didn't have time to talk. I said this was fine and was just happy with a response.
Then, unfortunately while I was at a meeting with a staff member of where I live, she called and e-mailed saying that she could come by at 11 to discuss this with me because one of her appointments got cut short. When I got the mesage it was 11!
I was able to call her and we did talk for a few minutes. She suggested writing down anything I'd like to ask him in response to what he sent and we could go over it on tuesday. She was so sweet to offer to come over when there was a cancelation!
MKAC: You're absolutely right! This guy is not the best to be discussing my feelings with! I was doing it before mainly because he came across originally as such a nice sensitive guy and I was naturally inclined to open up. This was a very hard time for me back then as I had no therapist. Now that I do, I won't be talking to him about this stuff anymore.
Rainbow: Yeah, sounds like CBT to me, which is wild because I just never expected that from him! I'll think about what you said about compromising on the goals/ time table for things. For what it's worth, the case manager was just as confused about the overfocusing on feelings as I was. Don't know what t will say. I don't know her well enough to know what reaction she might have, and she doesn't know me well enough to be able to weigh in on the issue as we've only had two sessions. I'm sure she'll be very empathetic though.
"Most young adults don't need a nap," LOL! I guess I'm not like most young adults! I did tell t about this yesterday and she said it's part of depression. Hopefully when I get a new pdoc and get my meds evaluated this will improve.
Thanks again everyone!

[stopdog]

I have always been a napper. I sleep poorly at night, but naps are great. Even as a young adult I napped.

[adel34]

Yay, I'm not the only one!

[rainbow8]

My H naps all the time but he's in his 60's. I hardly ever nap but I'm usually tired so maybe I'm just jealous!