Question about boundaries

I thought I would respond individually but I think I will just thank everyone again for sharing your examples of boundaries in your lives. All the responses have helped me understand a lot better.

What is still bothering me is not knowing WHY other people's boundaries upset me so much that I sometimes cross them. I respect that my T doesn't want to talk about her H, but that boundary made me curious so I looked him up on FB in the past. A friend didn't use to tell anyone her age, so I looked it up though I never told her I knew it. When people shut me out by their boundaries, I get triggered. I think it's because I feel like they're doing it as a way to reject me, though I know that's illogical. I get very angry and hurt. This is something I'm going to definitely bring up in therapy.

These boudaries sound like secrets that they like to keep not really boundaries- private things they would rather not share. I don't think its anything personal to you as we all have secrets that we would rather not share with anyone.
The more people decline to tell us something the more we become curious...its just human nature Rainbow don't beat yourself up over looking these things up

Yes, people are allowed to have private things that you don't know. That is definitely a boundary. People are all separate from one another, have differences, and have private details that they do not have to share, regardless of someone else's desire to know.

Gives me shivers! Reminding me of how horrible it was to be subjected to my mother's inquisitions! Yet I will tell T everything. Why is that?? Because for mother, it was NOT about the actual item of information being revealed - it was always about winning the power struggle over making me tell, making me uncomfortable.

I think the boundaries of personal information are very interesting. I am an open book.. honestly, there are very few questions that someone could ask me that i wouldn't answer. There are a few secrets I have that no one would know to ask, but if someone close asked me to tell them something I'd never told anyone I'd probably tell. I don't know.. I guess I have boundaries with my students because.. I mean they are 12.. no need to share... but I also hate it when people don't want to answer my questions. I guess it used to make me feel like they didn't trust me/love me/care enough about me to share with me... but I had to realize that they had their boundaries and thats okay. Luckily for me most people close to me are open about their lives...

I did realize that I was doing myself a lot of damage because I was excited by the challenge of getting people to share with me because it made me feel "special" and so I was setting myself up for some really big highs and some really bad lows... and so through therapy I have been working on surrounding myself with people who are safe and who I don't chase that thrill..

ahhh boundaries.... great topic. good thread. awesome convo.

Two different opinions from two different "buttons". It's human nature to be curious but I think it's wrong that I sometimes act on my curiousity.

I'm sorry, hankster. That sounds awful. I wonder if my T gets upset when I ask about her H. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I just hate to be left out.

IT feels wrong because you know that it is private but you still want to know and sometimes these things hurt us that is why people like to keep things private. When you look up ts husband on facebook it hurts you. Rainbow, can you start being kind to yourself and not hurting yourself anymore by not looking up these things. I have to stop myself from looking up my ex on facebook everynight but I know I will get so hurt so I don't but the urge is always there, it like a boundary within ourself to protect ourself maybe.

What you said is relevant to me, especially what I bolded. They don't trust me or care, or love me if they don't share. I know that's faulty reasoning but I feel that way. Thanks.

Perhaps play it the other way. I rarely ask people nor do I particularly want to know, about stuff and yet, sitting at my desk on any given day, people stop by and tell me things. I rarely tell people things about myself because there is no reason to do so or I just don't think to do so. It is not about having exciting info that I am not disclosing, just there is no need.

Same here, I never ask anyone about their private life but they always tell me things very personal things because they know I won't tell anyone.

I don't usually remember it long enough to tell anyone else.

Yes, you're right. The urge to look up my T's H is still there. I'm not sure why, but I won't do it because it hurts me and because I care about my T. Why do you think the urge is there--for you and for me?

I think I posted it already, what Eyeore wrote about it feeling like the person doesn't care about me or trust me. If my T trusted me, she wouldn't mind if I knew things about her H. Again, I KNOW that's not the reason she doesn't talk about him. It's just her boundary. It's MY reaction that I need help with. The hurt is very deep. I can't remember my parents keeping secrets from me so I don't know where it comes from, until 5th grade when kids passed notes and didn't include me. I just don't know why it's so triggering, makes me feel hurt writing this. I hope my T can help me with this.

I am not sure Rainbow, it hurts to look it up but also not to look it up. I have the urge because T said I like to hurt myself and to self sabotage, she never said why I do it but that I do and she is right. Its like I want to punish myself. I don't know if this is why you do it, does that make sense to you?

No, I think it's that I want to belong, not be left out. I think that's what stands out for me. It came up last year sometime, or 2 years ago, where I said I felt like I wanted to break T and her H's bedroom door down. People shut me out like they don't WANT me. I'd better stop writing this--it's triggering me.

Sorry Rainbow I didnt mean to trigger you

rainbow, I've learned something about discomfort. No matter what you do, you're bound to hurt someone. Especially when it comes to boundaries.

I make people uncomfortable by being so private and inaccessible. I say "no" to all invitations and overtures, and I'm so averse to phoniness that I will avoid situations simply because I don't feel like being polite. I am cold and stony, even when I'm smiling. My emotional detachment is not intentional, I don't think. But what results is stiff boundaries that rub people the wrong way. I'm probably just as annoying as the person who doesn't have boundaries.

What can I do? All I can do is just try to keep in mind how I come across and try to compensate for it when I can. If someone asks about my weekend, I can make up a story that will feed their curiosity while keeping me "safe". But there comes a point where I just have to accept that there's always going to be someone who wishes I would just fall off the edge of the world. People are always going to work my nerves, and I'm always going to work their nerves. If I spend a lot of time thinking about it, I won't be able to sleep at night. I'd rather sleep than be Miss Most Beloved.

Yeah it's just something that you have to work on to change your thinking patterns.. but I think you've made the important first step and that's to recognize it's an issue. I think what has helped me is to think about my boundaries and how it's important for me to maintain them.. or rather why.. As I focus on the boundaries I need to keep myself sane.. it helps take the focus off of what other people are willing to share or give or what they are not.

And when I'm fixated on anyone's boundaries it's giving away my power. My T always tells me how much power I give people.. and to give that power away is making me miss out on empowering myself. I google folks... and I ask my T tons of questions. I realize I LOVE getting to know people... cause I'm a huge extrovert, but I know I need to have a boundary to explore that with people who want to share who they are... and that is way more gratifying.

It's so interesting because to me, I'd wonder what is the reason to NOT share? not as a judgment, just kind of a.. hey there is just as much reason to share as as much reason not to share.. depending on what side of the fence you're on.

I guess for me, I am not all that interesting except to me and telling people stuff about me does nothing for me or them.

because soem people are judgmental? Why tell my catholic friends I am bisexual? Why tell my mother some things when she'll bring it up in argument to show how bad/weird I am? Why share things with people when I am sure they WILL judge?

I hope you explore this ^ with your T Rainbow.

Rainbow, this is making me think of an earlier thread that you started about visiting your daughter -- not the visit itself, but holiday for which you visited her. Yet you never wanted to say what holiday you were celebrating, although you gave several details about the holiday itself. For the sake of argument and so you don't feel like I'm asking you which holiday it was -- it's your right to keep that private -- Those particular facts wouldn't do very much to identify you, at all (although I understand if it were a much more obscure religious holiday, perhaps the religion you practice WOULD be more identifying). But in any case -- what I'm saying is, that's a boundary you set up. Why did you do that? There's no right answer to that question; I'm just pointing out a boundary I noticed back then.

As for wanting to bang down your T and her H's bedroom door, I don't remember that so I can't speak to the content of that thread. But would YOU want someone else to break down your bedroom door? Did you leave the door open when you were intimate with your H? I would assume not... which makes that a physical boundary you set up between your sex life and the rest of the world. Why?

There are a number of reasons I keep certain things private. As Venus mentioned, sometimes people are judgmental -- I tell very few people about my struggle with depression, and only tell people who I know will be receptive. But at the same time, there's also a huge possibility of making other people uncomfortable without them passing judgment.

I don't initiate conversations about sex with my inexperienced friends, because they would feel left out and uncomfortable -- which I know from experience, when other experienced friends initiated those conversations in their presence. I don't initiate conversations about politics with most of my Republican friends, because even though we're friends and we care about and respect each other, there are some things we don't agree about and aren't able to see eye to eye on, so why fight when we could be having fun?

And then there are the things that are true but hurtful. People say things on PC that hurt you all the time, yet they may very well be telling the truth. Wouldn't you rather I sat and thought about what to say without being excessively hurtful, or just refrained from posting if was triggered/upset, than just bluntly told you what I was thinking if it was something negative?

You'd probably rather I be careful what I say, because you don't really want FULL access to my mind, you just want to know what you want to know. If someone thinks I'm ugly, I don't want to know about it. They are allowed to think that, but I would prefer not to hear it. And if I am to put up boundaries around what I want to hear, I HAVE to respect the boundaries people put up around what they disclose. You can't have it both ways. Sort of akin to your looking up T's H on fb. You want to know... but it hurts you. And I know you know this and I'm not saying you don't know it hurts you... but I am saying that it's more similar to other things than you may realize.

For the same reason, I don't tell my husband when I find another man attractive, and I expect that he will not tell me when he finds another woman attractive. Each of us accepts that we're going to find other people attractive, but sharing that will only lead to hurt feelings. It's not rational, but it is true, and it's a boundary we have with each other.

Just my two cents.

I have a friend who appears to have almost no boundaries so I have had to set strong ones. She once called me 21 times in a row because I didn't answer. Another time she called me at 6am because she was up so I must have been too. I told her I don't take calls before 9:30am and hung up. There are other examples but you can see what mean.

My t and I touched upon personal boundaries when it comes to making new friends. We came to the conclusion that I don't understand boundaries (which is true! They don't come naturally to me) and so she tried to help me set up some concrete and literal boundaries to begin with. Such as not telling new friends about personal life right away, and giving it a few weeks before considering it as something worth talking about. Not swarming new friends with attention for all hours of the day, and instead temporarily "limiting" myself to just a few hours / day and finding something else to occupy my spare time. She says that we "set boundaries for personal protection". I took that to mean, in my case, not giving others the chance to hurt me because they haven't crossed my boundaries.

Boundaries are something new to me. I only know of the obvious ones, but I don't know the full reasoning behind them. Such as keeping sex life to oneself, keeping politics and religion out of day to day conversation. Stuff like that. Though I don't follow it very well, I eagerly talk about politics sometimes and with some people I have no problem talking about religion (or my lack of). Boundaries are weird. :P